Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be suspicious?

35 replies

Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 14:04

Been with my partner for 3 years and we have a baby.
There were trust issues at the start as he wasn’t serious about our relationship, I had no idea he saw us as only dating and not exclusive for some time. During that time he was talking to other women and also dating them. It wasn’t until I called time on the dating that he decided he wanted to be serious and stopped talking to the other women. So for the first year roughly I didn’t trust him and always assumed he’d cheat or go back to talking to the other women. (I knew who they were and they all had partners shortly after, some now married)
Things got better in time and the trust was eventually earned.
Roll on to today, I’ve had no reasons to be concerned since the first year dramas and I haven’t had a reason to assume he’s secretive or shouldn’t be trusted as he’s always home when he isn’t working.
I needed to ring customer services over something and they needed me to click a link and confirm something. This was set up in my partners email so I urgently needed his email and password. I rang him to send it as I was on the phone to customer service but he didn’t provide the information, he said ‘we’ll sort it when I’m home later’.
This has got my head in a spin because I’m assuming the worst. That he’s got traces of cheating or porn websites on his email account and he assumes I want to go through his email. I even told him to change his password after I’ve set up the code through the link as I have no intention of reading his emails, but radio silence.
I don’t think he’s cheating but he probably has something to hide. What do you all think? It won’t be Christmas presents because he hasn’t bought a thing yet. It’s got me wondering if couples share their passwords or if it’s deemed as privacy and nothing to be suspicious about?
I leave my phone laying around with no passcode, he can see anything he wants if he asked to. I wouldn’t like it if he snooped but it didn’t even cross my mind to do that to him. His phone is password protected and always in his pocket even to use the loo.
Am I being paranoid or should I have a discussion with him about this?

OP posts:
samestyle · 14/12/2023 14:16

I think its normal to not want to share emails and passwords, you are letting your mind run wild with thoughts due to how he was when you first met, while no one can be 100% sure nothing dodgy, but going by how he is now you are settled down, you know where he is and have no other concerns I wouldn't fret too much.

Original poster
Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 14:41

Thank you that’s a really factual and helpful reply. I expected many ‘he’s definitely cheating’ responses but yours has made me see it rationally and not get ahead of myself.

OP posts:
XMissPlacedX · 14/12/2023 14:49

Could it be because Christmas is coming up and there could be delivery notifications of the presents he has bought you on his email or something?

AgnesX · 14/12/2023 14:53

I wouldn't give you my password either.

My DH knows my email address obviously but has no access to it (or my phone come to that).

You're going to have to either trust him or go your separate ways.

Original poster
Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 15:17

No to Christmas present, he doesn’t do online shopping and we aren’t doing presents for each other this year anyway as we want to spend on our baby’s presents.

Thing is I didn’t want his password for access to his emails, it was for the link so customer service could proceed. I’ve never asked for access before or even so much as held his phone, it’s never crossed my mind. He was then free to change his password if he was worried id snoop (I’d never do that). So his reaction like a deer in headlights has me confused.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 14/12/2023 15:19

I don't know my partners details and he doesn't know mine. However in a situation such as this, he wouldn't hesitate to provide me with the information I needed.

I'd be suspicious. And I'd observe his behaviour especially with his phone quietly.

AnotherDayAnotherDoller · 14/12/2023 15:26

Yeah I wouldn't be keen to give my details either - not sure why, but I'd rather do it myself than share them, even with my Husband.....and there is absolutely nothing exciting in my inbox.

DaughterNo2 · 14/12/2023 15:27

Why couldn’t he just forward you the email?

Original poster
Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 15:28

I will observe from tonight, but I worry I’ll get obsessive and assume he’s texting a woman when he’s texting his mum for example. Im not very good at working out when to be genuinely suspicious or if I’m being paranoid.
Is it wise to comment if I notice him being secretive with his phone?
I wouldn’t have the first clue on how to deal with it and it would cause an argument if I assume wrong. I don’t want to make a big thing out of it, I have enough problems without trust issues slipping back in.
If it had been the other way around I’d have given my password without a second thought. he has access to my phone whenever he wants and often uses it to look things up online.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 14/12/2023 15:29

Could he not just have clicked the link? The fact he said can we sort later would imply he was busy, as opposed to being secretive?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 14/12/2023 15:30

Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 15:28

I will observe from tonight, but I worry I’ll get obsessive and assume he’s texting a woman when he’s texting his mum for example. Im not very good at working out when to be genuinely suspicious or if I’m being paranoid.
Is it wise to comment if I notice him being secretive with his phone?
I wouldn’t have the first clue on how to deal with it and it would cause an argument if I assume wrong. I don’t want to make a big thing out of it, I have enough problems without trust issues slipping back in.
If it had been the other way around I’d have given my password without a second thought. he has access to my phone whenever he wants and often uses it to look things up online.

Don't say anything just now until you get further evidence of secretive behaviour.

You don't want to be accusatory for nothing.

Summonedbybees · 14/12/2023 15:34

My husband and I have been married a very very long time. Neither of us know the passwords to each other's email. I would hate him knowing ( he has no desire to know). It would feel controlling and intrusive. Neither can I understand checking someone else's phone obsessively. If you really don't trust him it doesn't sound like much of a relationship and you will end up driving him away.

Original poster
Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 15:38

What would you class as enough evidence? Sorry for all the naivety but I know I go in all guns blazing due to being cheated on in the past by exes, I don’t want to be ott if I’m completely wrong.
He was on his lunch break, he just didn’t want me to know the password.
As some of you have said you wouldn’t share passwords in your relationship it has helped make me see that it’s not always caused by bad intentions. Is it to protect your security or just for general privacy?

OP posts:
WhatFlavourIsIt · 14/12/2023 15:40

Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 15:17

No to Christmas present, he doesn’t do online shopping and we aren’t doing presents for each other this year anyway as we want to spend on our baby’s presents.

Thing is I didn’t want his password for access to his emails, it was for the link so customer service could proceed. I’ve never asked for access before or even so much as held his phone, it’s never crossed my mind. He was then free to change his password if he was worried id snoop (I’d never do that). So his reaction like a deer in headlights has me confused.

This doesn't make sense, if you don't need access to his emails why do you need his password & why would you have to have those details for them to send a link.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 14/12/2023 15:44

I agree with @WhatFlavourIsIt why do you need access to his emails and the password? All you need is the link that's in an email surely and then the password to the site you're trying to access. My DP and I don't share passwords, I'd find it really intrusive and controlling if my DP wanted access to my emails etc
I think you need to calm a bit, he sounds like he was busy and you've gone from 0 to 60 in seconds.

Original poster
Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 16:22

I couldn’t access the link without it as customer service sent it to the account attached to his email which I don’t have the details for. Maybe I was pushy and urgent about it but I was on call to customer service and felt stupid for not having access and making them wait. I will be making him sort out his own admin in future I think, I was on hold for 40 minutes for nothing.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/12/2023 16:29

Fishinmybath · 14/12/2023 16:22

I couldn’t access the link without it as customer service sent it to the account attached to his email which I don’t have the details for. Maybe I was pushy and urgent about it but I was on call to customer service and felt stupid for not having access and making them wait. I will be making him sort out his own admin in future I think, I was on hold for 40 minutes for nothing.

That's a good call - he can do his own admin, you're not his secretary or mum.

AnotherDayAnotherDoller · 14/12/2023 16:45

You asked if it was for security ir just general privacy further up. For me, I think a bit of both.
I'm quite funny about online security - have had issues in the past with banking fraud so I kind of like to be in control/involved with anything relating to my own accounts or joint accounts.
I also think it's healthy to maintain elements of privacy - like I wouldn't want my Husband in my messages despite there being absolutely nothing if interest in there.
I suppose its just personal preference, and I think it's good to look at privacy separately to secrecy- two very different things.....for me anyway.

Whattodowithit88 · 14/12/2023 16:59

Well put it this way, if I randomly asked my other half for his email password he wouldn’t hesitate to give it to me, why would he? There is nothing if interest for me to see there. Yours didn’t give you it because he didn’t want you to see something.

Yes, his probably still cheating, they don’t stop, they just get better at hiding it.

Ladyj84 · 14/12/2023 17:01

No different response to what my hubby would say if busy tbh. Think your paranoid so can't be that happy a relationship. And yes I know all passwords and he knows mine, shouldn't be a problem leaving phones lying round etc

Ghentsummer · 14/12/2023 21:28

Does he know his email password to be able to give it out immediately? I have no clue what mine is because I haven't had to use it for ages as I'm just always signed into the app.

You really should put a passcode on your phone. Your bf is being sensible having one on his. If you lose it/it gets stolen then people will be able to access the data on it.

instantick · 14/12/2023 21:36

why is his phone always in his pocket when you can leave yours around freely i think you may be a little bit gullable or maybe you just dont want to know and live a happy life

hangingonfordearlife1 · 14/12/2023 22:09

we have the same passwords for everything. we are married and have children and a home together. why keep emails under lock and key? to me that's weird.

Catoo · 14/12/2023 22:27

I wouldn’t give anyone my email password. I don’t even know it TBH as it’s saved on my devices. I would say no immediately. I have nothing dodgy in there.

Why didn’t you ask him to forward the email with the link over to you?

For security you should put a code on your phone. Without one, if you lose it, anyone can access most of your apps. Also if you have PWs saved on a browser they’ll be able to sign in to all sorts of sites.

Unless you have lots of other evidence / gut feelings that he’s up to no good I am not sure this is enough to go on.

SpringIntoChaos · 15/12/2023 07:02

Absolutely no way would I give anyone my passwords. Nothing to hide...but it's akin to leaving my diary open on the coffee table for me! Just no! You are overthinking this OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread