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Original poster

Husband and hygiene

38 replies

MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:20

I am extremely clean. Probably too clean and care too much about germs and cleanliness in most peoples eyes.

my husband is the literal opposite. He works long hours and rarely brushes his teeth before bed. He went out the other day having not brushed his teeth and I was absolutely mortified. I introduced him to floss, and he told me he doesn’t need it and has never used it. I have to buy his toothbrushes, and I am the one buying all the toiletries he/we need. He continues to ‘forget’ to shower. I have to remind him and encourage him.

He leaves snotty and come tissues (sorry I know it’s gross) around. Finds it hilarious when I find them. It literally makes me feel sick.

you would never know by his job and looking at him he is like this. He likes nice clothes, works in a very professional, highflying type role and we live abroad in a major city. He does incredibly well at work. He takes so much pride in how he looks but not in his basic hygiene.

Hes not been to the dentist in so long - he absolutely needs to go to a hygienist. I have told him to book an appointment so many times and he just doesn’t do it.

his mother is the same - I notice she doesn’t shower everyday, even though she exercises daily. She doesn’t brush her teeth at night. His grandma also told me that all the children (he’s got two sisters) hated brushing their teeth when they were growing up and it was a real battle getting them to do it. This is clearly why he is the way he is. I was brought up to bath before bed and brush my teeth and floss.

I have brought up the issue so many times and each time I am told he’ll get better. He does for a few days and then gets bad again. It’s getting to the point where I am sleeping in the spare bedroom. We don’t have sex often - I just can’t right now.

he said he doesn’t think I love him anymore. We’ve been married less than a year and it would need to take a lot for me to leave tbh. As mentioned, we live abroad and I’m on his visa. So it’s a bit more complicated than just leaving as it would mean leaving my home, job, all my stuff etc.

what do I do? I even had the thought that he could perhaps have ADHD or similar?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2023 13:26

Why did you mention ADHD at all?. It shows poor understanding of what ADHD is.

This is not ADHD, it’s due to how he was raised. His siblings are similar. You likely knew what his hygiene was like before you married him.

He will not change, you either stay or leave. Personally I would start to plan an exit.

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:30

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2023 13:26

Why did you mention ADHD at all?. It shows poor understanding of what ADHD is.

This is not ADHD, it’s due to how he was raised. His siblings are similar. You likely knew what his hygiene was like before you married him.

He will not change, you either stay or leave. Personally I would start to plan an exit.

I apologise, I realise that may be offensive.

I should have mentioned that he has other traits of ADHD. He even mentioned that he may have it a couple of times.

although I knew his hygiene issues before we married, I (stupidly) believed each time I brought it up, he would change, or I could change him. But yes, I agree. I just am not on a position to exit right now.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 13:32

Do you kiss him when he hasn't brushed his teeth?
Have sex with him when he hasn't showered for 48 hours?

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:34

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 13:32

Do you kiss him when he hasn't brushed his teeth?
Have sex with him when he hasn't showered for 48 hours?

Absolutely not. Hence why he tells me he doesn’t think I love him anymore. I’m finding it harder and harder to show any affection, not because he smells really but I just find the lack of personal hygiene absolutely disgusting

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 13:36

So he goes to work in nice clothes but smelling bad?!

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:37

At times I have also known him to dig out a piece of clothing to wear out the dirty laundry basket. I tell him not to do that, it’s disgusting etc but then he just does it anyway. Why would he think it’s fine to wear a t shirt that mixed with our dirty pants and socks 🤢

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 13:37

When he says he thinks you no longer love him, do you relate that to his hygiene? (ie I do love you, but your breath smells and you smell, why would I want to be close to someone who doesn't keep themselves basically clean?)

It seems as though he's caused a problem, then he's blaming you for the outcome of the problem. He's either a bit thick, or he's well aware of the reasons you don't want to be close, but is bla,ing you anyway.

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:38

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 13:36

So he goes to work in nice clothes but smelling bad?!

He doesn’t smell. The house always smells good when he leaves in the morning - he sprays really expensive aftershave, deodorant etc. at least he does that. But in my eyes, it doesn’t make up for the fact that he doesn’t wash as often as he should.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 14/12/2023 13:39

You shouldn't have married him.

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:39

But I will add, by the time he gets home and takes his clothes off, he does smell ‘unwashed’. Never of BO etc.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 13:39

MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:34

Absolutely not. Hence why he tells me he doesn’t think I love him anymore. I’m finding it harder and harder to show any affection, not because he smells really but I just find the lack of personal hygiene absolutely disgusting

Show quote history

And you've explained to him why? How does he respond?

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:41

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 13:39

And you've explained to him why? How does he respond?

Show quote history

I have. Each time he said he will improve and then it goes back to him being lazy after a few days/weeks.

I feel like this is what having a teenage boy would be like. I don’t want to have to mother my husband :(

OP posts:
ActDottie · 14/12/2023 13:46

I don’t understand why you married him. I’m not a hygiene obsessive but I shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day etc. but even I wouldn’t marry someone with such poor hygiene it’s such a turn off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2023 13:53

He may be mentioning ADHD but he has done presumably nothing re getting himself assessed.

Why did you marry him given his lack of hygiene?. Sadly for you, you thought you could change him. Asking or telling someone else to change their behaviour is a futile exercise.

I get that you are not in a position to exit right now. Having said that I would quietly go about organising this for you all the same. Teenage boys generally have better hygiene.

Original poster
MatchBox111 · 14/12/2023 13:53

ActDottie · 14/12/2023 13:46

I don’t understand why you married him. I’m not a hygiene obsessive but I shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day etc. but even I wouldn’t marry someone with such poor hygiene it’s such a turn off.

I know it seems stupid of me. I love him and I thought he would change. And, at the start of our relationship, he wasn’t like this. Definitely made more of an effort.

I really don’t want to have to leave him but I fear there will be no choice. What would I even say to people - I left him because he doesn’t shower?! It’s just so shit and something that could easily be rectified if he just listened :(

OP posts:
Newnamesameoldlurker · 14/12/2023 13:53

Going against the grain, I don't think this is ltb situation! It just takes a really long time to form new habits. He needs to commit. The link to sex should help a lot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2023 13:57

Love is not enough. He shows no long term commitment to change, any change he has made to date has only lasted a few days. Old habits die hard.

He probably made just about enough effort to hook you in but his behaviour along with that of his siblings is deeply ingrained in their psyche.

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 14:01

So you need to tell him this. That it's non-negotiable. That the fact he doesn't care for hygiene is off-putting, and feeling like your nagging him is also a trun-off, and you don't want to carry on like this. So is he going to make a change or should you call it quits now?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/12/2023 14:04

If him and siblings were brought up like this, I don't think he will change as he doesn't see the importance of hygiene.
He must know he smells as he overdoes the fragrance he uses
I guess you could try and tell him, you can't bear to be close because he smells, not that you don't love him

ZekeZeke · 14/12/2023 14:04

Expensive Aftershave isn't going to mask dirty clothes body odour and smelly breath.
He is disgusting.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 14/12/2023 14:27

I have ADHD and so does my son. We are not grubby. How much concentration do you need to have a shower and clean your teeth? The business about the used tissues is just gross. You don't have to tell people why the marriage ended - just say you'd rather not discuss it. If he is this grubby so soon it's really not going to get better. Aren't you embarrassed being seen with a man with bad breath, reeking of body odour and too much cologne? Frankly it's just not lovable behaviour.

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 15:11

This seems to be a common thread topic but I observed on one the other day, no one ever seems to update, but I did have a contact whose husband seemed to be doing this and then changed.

I'm going to guess that she told him it would be over otherwise!

I know sometimes you can't smell till you get up close but I feel sorry for whoever gets in the lift with him or sits by him in a meeting. Aftershave won't cover lack of washing.

Tistheseason23 · 14/12/2023 15:21

How did someone ‘super clean’ end up with someone ‘the literal opposite?’ (your words)

Why would you do that? And you’re only just married so it’s not like he got a bit lax over the years.

TeaGinandFags · 14/12/2023 15:36

If you need a visa to do your job then there's no reason that you can't look into changing your visa. Have a word with HR or even make an appointment with your local consulate. Explain that the marriage is rocky and ask what your options are. Your job should help you as recruitment is expensive and uncertain.

As for DH lay down your boundaries. Either he is pleasant to be around or he isn't. It sounds like he knows but isn't prepared to change long term.

TheCryptozoologist · 14/12/2023 15:40

My DH was like this at the start, but I trained him up, nagging and he has the same standards as me now😂

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