Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He does not work. What hard questions should I ask?

296 replies

lovelivesherenow · 14/12/2023 04:49

I met a lovely man who does not work anymore.
He saved up and got out of the 9-5 life decades before one would.
I'm dating for marriage ultimately. Any ideas of the kind of questions to ask or things to look out for to help me work out whether he'd be right for the long haul?

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 14/12/2023 08:04

Macaroni46 · 14/12/2023 08:03

Finances aside, he's too old at 50 to start having kids. I'd say move him on and find someone younger and more suitable.

This.

He sounds like a pleasant companion but don't saddle kids with an elderly father.

Is having children a dealbreaker for you?

Changynamey2this · 14/12/2023 08:06

This is contraversial but I'm going to don my tin hat and say it.

If he was in the market for kids, it's more likely he would pick a younger partner so she would do all the heavy lifting. At 40, he may assume you'd want a partnership setup in looking after a family and with his lifestyle he's unlikely to want to put in the hours.

In his shoes I wouldn't get married in case it didn't work out and I lost my hard earned investments.

At 40, you can't be wasting time with online dating. It's just too risky. If you want children, go it alone and start now.

MyFirstLittlePony · 14/12/2023 08:08

I know quite a few men like this

they typically are landlords with a buy-to-let portfolio they started about 15-20 years ago

they can then play golf/tennis most of the day

one of them has a younger partner who he had a child with , so he’s now 60 with an 8 yr old

he spends a LOT of time at the tennis club, avoiding child care, but otherwise all seems well

LaurieStrode · 14/12/2023 08:10

Bonmot57 · 14/12/2023 07:31

It’d be a big red flag for me if a date starting quizzing me about finances and assets at such an early stage. No one wants to be a meal ticket.

As a financially independent middle aged man, I doubt he’d be happy to risk all that for marriage/divorce and I’ve yet to meet any 50 year old new fathers who aren’t feckless wasters either living off the state or their naive partners.

Yeah, this too. I'd be stepping away if a new acquaintance started prying into my finances and lifestyle choices.

At 40 you are in a rough situation because you really don't have time to properly get to know someone. It might be you have to decide marriage OR kids (on your own with donor sperm) rather than marriage AND kids.

I am 60 and from this perspective, the marriage would add more quality of life than the kids, given the choice. Especially to an achiever who managed to retire early and can pursue interesting pastimes.

Britpop123 · 14/12/2023 08:10

Probing someone deeply about how they got their money, where it’s invested, whether that’s acceptable to the op, huge red flags and I’d advise him to run

at this stage it’s none of your business

GreatGateauxsby · 14/12/2023 08:15

Agree with others.

50 is too old to be starting parenthood so if you want kids its a bit of a no.

In terms of the financing...
I am wondering if he is part of the FIRE movement
(Financial independence retire early)
Read up on it so you know a bit.
This could be a good Segway into the topic. FIRE peeps often like to chat at length and you might get more of a feel for his position that way Vs directly asking scary bank manager style interview questions.

You can also ask indirect questions about things like holidays ("where did he go?" "Would he recommend the hotel?") Restaurants (his favourites, has he ever been to X) wines (what's his fave) and hobbies (gym memberships, if he sails... "How do you find someone to hire a boat off or is it easier to buy?"
I would also pay attention to clothing shoes and accessories.

These individually won't tell you much but put together can build a picture. If he is a FIRE guy I suspect his emphasis will be on life experiences Vs a Rolex.

Angrycat2768 · 14/12/2023 08:17

I'm not sure at 50, and enjoying retirement for 5 years I'd want to saddle myself with kids. Especially as, if you are already 40 you would have to get a move on sharpish. I presume he would be expected to be their carer too. That's a lot for a 50 year old who worked hard until 45.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 14/12/2023 08:19

With respect, do you really think a retired 50 year old man heading towards his 60s will want to have children at such a late stage in his life. He’s old enough to be a grandfather.

Can you not see how he has engineered his life to be stress free, with enough money to really enjoy his freedom.

SandyWaves · 14/12/2023 08:20

If he's 50 and is living a good, independent life..good for him! Living the dream and retiring early!

Would he want kids at that age? I wouldn't.

theduchessofspork · 14/12/2023 08:22

lovelivesherenow · 14/12/2023 06:41

And I am 40.
His parents are still alive so I don't think he's living off inheritance. According to him, it's been a bit of hard work, saving and some good luck.
Perhaps inheritance from grandparents? I'd like to know how to get to the bottom of it by asking the right questions.

Show quote history

If you’ve had 2 coffee dates he’s going to find it a bit off putting if you’re digging into his finances.

At 50 though he’s rather old for fatherhood.

I’d want to know at this stage what his plans for the future were - nothing wrong with taking a few years off if you’ve retired early - but you’d want some sort of vision or purpose for the rest of his life, or at least I would, or I’d worry he’d age early.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 14/12/2023 08:25

At 40 and 50 if you want marriage and kids there's not really time to beat about the bush!

I would be asking him plainly and laying my cards out on the table, explaining you want someone who wants these things too and if he doesn't then there's no sense in faffing about wasting each other's time.

I very much doubt at 50 with his life of leisure he wants kids. Who would? (sorry, just my opinion) you might get marriage op, but not kids.

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 14/12/2023 08:25

You really can't start quizzing someone about his finances on the basis of two dates, but you could ask him about his plans for the rest of his life. I doubt that he is looking to start a family at fifty. If he wanted children he would probably have them by now (and for all you know, he might).

willWillSmithsmith · 14/12/2023 08:28

So you don’t even know if he’s open to having children? If I was forty and wanting children I don’t think I’d even be meeting up with anyone online in the first place unless I knew their stance on the subject.

theDudesmummy · 14/12/2023 08:31

What a lot of ageism! 50 is neither old, nor is it freakishly young to be retired, if he managed his career/finances well. I am 60 and I have a 14-year-old son, I am not too doddery to have fun with him. I am probably the opposite of this man though, I don't think I will ever retire, can't imagine what I will do with myself!

And he may have children, I don't think the OP said whether he does or not.

MeridianB · 14/12/2023 08:32

His situation is pretty rare and it’s interesting he’s told you so soon - that would make me suspicious. If he was in any way showing off about it then I’d have doubts about it being true, or about his values.

I know a couple of people who have retired in their 30s/40s and they both have some charitable/volunteering commitments- one mentors young people starting in his old industry and bought a farm to rescue animals. The other supports a veterans charity as he got into genealogy and discovered military service in his family.

I’m not judging this guy for playing sports and visiting art galleries but I’d be keen to see a sense of purpose in his life. I just can’t imagine doing lots of lovely things but not having any goals any more, or giving back. Maybe that’s just me, though.

theDudesmummy · 14/12/2023 08:32

As to the questions, the children one is the first I would ask, if I were you.

Curlywurlycaz2 · 14/12/2023 08:33

Changynamey2this · 14/12/2023 08:06

This is contraversial but I'm going to don my tin hat and say it.

If he was in the market for kids, it's more likely he would pick a younger partner so she would do all the heavy lifting. At 40, he may assume you'd want a partnership setup in looking after a family and with his lifestyle he's unlikely to want to put in the hours.

In his shoes I wouldn't get married in case it didn't work out and I lost my hard earned investments.

At 40, you can't be wasting time with online dating. It's just too risky. If you want children, go it alone and start now.

I actually agree with you. If he is financially solvent enough to retire at 45 and wanted children then he would be looking for someone younger than 40.

The hard questions OP should be asking are what are his long term goals in an ideal relationship? Does he want marriage and children? Or does he want a companion for retirement?

theDudesmummy · 14/12/2023 08:34

I think in his situation he had to tell her at the outset he does not work. I mean, pretty much the first thing you ask anyone is what they do. It would be weird for him not to have said he doesn't work, he would have had to lie about what he does.

CallmeSand · 14/12/2023 08:36

Has he had children or been married before? He doesn't sound as if he would want that life.

Notsurehwhattdo · 14/12/2023 08:37

I'm looking forward to being 50 with a 18 and 14 year old with the harder years of parenting behind me. It is very unlikely that he's dreaming of broken sleep and nappy changes!

Ohnoooooooo · 14/12/2023 08:39

I think you need to be a bit careful with ‘getting to the bottom of it’ - it’s a possible relationship not a job interview. You might actually make yourself look like you are asking so many questions about his finances you might make him think you are interested in him for his money.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 14/12/2023 08:39

Just ask him outright. I mean this is quite a curious thing so I expect people ask a lot- we all want to be in that position don’t we?

Ulysees · 14/12/2023 08:43

After 2 coffees? And I agree he won't be wanting dcs.

persimmonicelolly · 14/12/2023 08:44

GreatGateauxsby · 14/12/2023 08:15

Agree with others.

50 is too old to be starting parenthood so if you want kids its a bit of a no.

In terms of the financing...
I am wondering if he is part of the FIRE movement
(Financial independence retire early)
Read up on it so you know a bit.
This could be a good Segway into the topic. FIRE peeps often like to chat at length and you might get more of a feel for his position that way Vs directly asking scary bank manager style interview questions.

You can also ask indirect questions about things like holidays ("where did he go?" "Would he recommend the hotel?") Restaurants (his favourites, has he ever been to X) wines (what's his fave) and hobbies (gym memberships, if he sails... "How do you find someone to hire a boat off or is it easier to buy?"
I would also pay attention to clothing shoes and accessories.

These individually won't tell you much but put together can build a picture. If he is a FIRE guy I suspect his emphasis will be on life experiences Vs a Rolex.

I've known a couple people who retired young bc they've made an enormous amount of money (finance/IB) and a couple of people who did FIRE on more normal (still high) salaries.

The finance people continued lavish lifestyles and managed their investments in the background. Volunteered sometimes, complained about the price rises at M&S, etc.

The FIRE people were unbelievably tight, restricting spending in any way possible to the point of absurdity to meet their financial goals. Buying expired food, timing their showers, eating a set menu of basic meals like rice and beans and calculating exactly the per portion price, despite being on ~£100k salaries. I couldn't live like that, personally.

MeridianB · 14/12/2023 08:44

theDudesmummy · 14/12/2023 08:34

I think in his situation he had to tell her at the outset he does not work. I mean, pretty much the first thing you ask anyone is what they do. It would be weird for him not to have said he doesn't work, he would have had to lie about what he does.

I know what you mean - I was in two minds about this. In his shoes I would be concerned about gold diggers though, hence not sharing after two coffee dates. But you could be right - it could be a good sign.

Swipe left for the next trending thread