Step Son Conflict

[MichelleLee79]

Reaching out to see if I can get some advice on how to currently handle a delicate situation with my Partners 21 Year Old Son.

Quick background, I have been together with my partner for 4 years now, we are engaged and have built a home together (I am 44 and he is 46).
He was the sole carer of his son from pretty much child birth, he has done a fantastic job at raising his son and provided the best that he could, his Son has never gone without. However, his Son has always been troubled and has been in and out of trouble since he hit the 14 year old mark, he stopped going to school and actually never finished, didn't like his Dad's rules etc etc. He has been in trouble with the law and spent time in Juvenile Prison as well.

When I met my partner (his son was 17 by that stage and not going to school or working), he was very upfront on his Son's behaviour, so I knew what I was taking on. My partner eventually made the decision to move down where I was living and he gave his Son a choice on cleaning himself up, going back to school or at least attempt getting a job, however his Son wasn't interested in doing any of this, so he moved out of his Dad's care. I haven't formed a great relationship with his Son, as whenever he comes to stay with us, he spends the whole time in his room in bed asleep, or everything is on his terms and we are having to pick him up and drop him off (doesn't have his licence).

During the time of our relationship, I have watched his Son completely disrespect his father over and over again. He has been working on and off, but he eventually loses his job due to not turning up to work, or not going to work because he might have other things to do. He did eventually get a job FIFO and I think we were both thinking that this was the best thing to happen, that he might start to get his life on track. We have a rental property that was coming up for lease renewal, so my partner made the decision to let his Son move in, he was making good money and could afford the rent and we stipulated the normal rental terms, we even had a legal rental agreement signed and in place. His son lived there for about 8 months.

During this time he had a mate move in as well, without us knowing, this mate than had his girlfriend move in, again, without us knowing. His Son paid only about 2 months worth of rent throughout this period. My partner kept threatening to have them kicked out if rent wasn't paid, but these were empty threats because he never followed through. But it came to the last straw when my partner went up and visited the house, his heart broke on what he discovered. The house was trashed, complete disregard to his Father. So he and his mate had two weeks to move out of the place.

My partner also works FIFO (3 weeks on and 1 week off). So when his Son moved out, my sister and I had to spend the next three weekends cleaning the house. It was BEYOND disgusting, I won't go into detail, but having to do this, without an apology from his Son, or even offering to help, has completely severed my want or desire to have any relationship with his son. This all occurred about 3 months ago.

My partner was beyond furious with the whole situation and let his son know about this.

Now forward to yesterday, when his son messaged asking to come and spend Christmas with us.

I 100% do not even want to see his son, let along spend Christmas time with him (which will be all on his terms, because he can't drive), we live two hours away form him.

My partner has asked what did I want to do about this. But how do I tell him, that his only Son isn't invited to your Christmas Day, I couldn't possibly. But the thought of him being around our Christmas and my family (who are all very disappointed in the whole situation) fills me with anxiety and I am now not looking forward to our Christmas at all. I don't' want to sound selfish, but his son has put us through so much stress, he now feels he can just walk back in like nothing has happened and my partner is letting him.

What do I do!!

Wow, I can understand why you don't want your SS around. The house rental issue is unforgivable.

I think your partner is being quite devious asking you what you want to do about it. As it puts all of the decision making on you. If you say no then you are the bad guy.
If you say yes and things go up shitts creek while your SS stays it's your fault, after all your partner asked you.

What if he stayed in a local hotel/air bnb? Came for dinner (provided he gives a sincere apology).

Your husband is making you be the bad guy so he doesn't have to.
Did something happen that made him go off the rails? What happened at 14?is that when you came along?

No, he was already off the rails when I met my husband, I think he started hanging around the wrong type of people, he is very easily influenced. But he also tries to put on this act, to be someone that he is not. I would only think the fact that his Mother hasn't really wanted him, has done some sort of emotional damage, my husband has encouraged him to go to counselling about this, but he has never been interested to follow through. My husband has been through so much with his what his Son has put him through, but he just still clings onto that hope that his Son will wake up one day and has changed. I just don't know if that day will come.

I do like the idea that his son has to send an actual sincere apology for his behaviour before he can attend, but I would expect him to send one to my sister as well, as she also had to clean up his filth. My husband did say he would be telling his son our confirmed Christmas Plans, that won't be changed to suite him. He would have to find his own way to and from. But likelihood is, he will come down on the 20th and then stay till after Christmas, sleeping in his room the whole time. I just don't want him in our home. I can't get over that feeling.

During this time he had a mate move in as well, without us knowing, this mate than had his girlfriend move in, again, without us knowing.

This cannot be real.

How can you not know strangers are moving into your own home?!

Anyway, good luck with it all.

I would be furious with your husband and like fuck would I have dragged myself and my sister along to clean up the rental, why on earth did you do that?

He is also making this your choice about no visit at Christmas when he should already have said no or arranged a day visit somewhere out and not at your home.

Your husband has obviously not done a good job as a parent, I wouldn't have any respect for him just like his son who knows he can fuck about and his dad will always sort it out for him, pathetic.

You say 'No- I don't want him here ever again and you know why. I have no idea why you are asking me- you should be telling him yourself and telling him why. Take the responsibility. Don't blame me. Go and spend Christmas with him if you want to see him.'

This.

I can totally understand and honestly feel the same way, I am pissed off. But then I put myself in my husbands shoes and if that was MY son or daughter and I was wanting them to come and spend Christmas with us, would I honestly tell my own child they are not welcome to spend Christmas with us. Could you?

My husband has no other family here in Australia (he is from NZ), his Son is it, it's all he has. He loves his son, that won't ever change.

I cleaned up the rental, because that is what you do in a partnership, my husband is working away to provide a solid lifestyle for him and I, so the least I could do was take this part of his stress away. My husband is beyond with what he does for me. My sister offered to help, she didn't want me doing it by myself.

We obviously found out about his mate and girlfriend were living in the house, when we went to do a visit.........but we weren't living there, we live 2 hours away.

It’s a tough one - my view is you tell your DH that he is welcome to spend time with his son over Christmas but that you won’t do so without a heartfelt and meaningful apology, so he will need to decide how to deal with it but you won’t hold it against him if he decides to be with his son.

His behaviour with the flat is unforgivable, but it was your choice (and your sister’s choice) to clean it. So I can’t see that he owes any sort of apology to your sister!

OP in your shoes I would have Xmas day alone with your partner or alone if it came to it ; it’s only one day and you are not obliged to cook and clean up for an adult who has treated you badly . You other half can travel to his son before or after . Others will disagree ( fair enough) but for me .. if the son thinks his behaviour is reasonable then you are wasting time and effort trying to change him : if the son had seen the mess (or been himself exploited by friends ) then he’d have helped or later explained what went wrong. Too often people expend too much energy trying again and again to be forgiving and it does no one any favours. Like DV .. sometimes you have to say no more and mean it. This man is a man - he must live with in society according to our basic rules which mean not trashing peoples houses.

That’s so difficult OP and can I just say what a fantastic caring partner you are for being so concerned about his feelings. Many people wouldn’t in this situation. Yes the whole situation would be very hard for your partner and I feel really sorry for him too. He must be sick with sorrow and disappointment. I also totally don’t agree with a PP’s assessment of your DP’s parenting 🙄

I think you should give him one last chance, but I think you should talk to your other half and say look, if we do this, it has to be the absolute last chance. You have to come to this together as it were and agree to lay this boundary together so you can hold it together, if that makes sense. And obviously you have to communicate this to his son.

This Christmas is just one day, after all. The young bloke is obviously very mixed up and hurting (that doesn’t give him the excuse to behave as he’s done, but people who are ok don’t do this sort of thing) and if you both give him one last chance you can both know you’ve done it? And go forward in that knowledge?

But you do have to make it clear to DP this has to be it. Last chance saloon. He’s asking you to make the decision because he can’t bear to reject the child he brought up single-handedly at Christmas, which is why you have to do it together.

@MichelleLee79 it's good that you care about your husband and his son and that you're aware of the problems his child has had for the 4 years you've been together, but the 3 years of this boy's significant difficulties before you met are also troubling. Teenagers are children trying to figure out what it means to not be a child anymore, and grab at any grown up concept that will hide their fear. Survival of the fittest is deeply embedded within us and lying is part of it. Did his mother abandon him? It's important to understand that children always blame themselves when a parent leaves them. It's very difficult to convince them otherwise because they haven't experienced the world enough to understand people, which adults completely take for granted. Try and find out what he's interested in or good at; apart from freeloading, which is every teenager's apparent 'right', urgh. I say this because the only way to stop depression, apathy, (which are always signs of self loathing) is by focusing on a quality or interest they have that is worth encouraging.

Seagrassbasket
Your response was amazing!! Absolutely THIS!
My partner is a great parent and he did this whole parenting thing on his own, in a new country, he has sacrificed so much and has always put his son first. This is why I just see heartbreak and pain in his eyes when his son lets him down, so it breaks my own heart.

He is also an extremely good partner, as he always puts me first, which is why I am always conscious of him knowing that I put him first as well, but we are a partnership and both our feelings matter in this decision. He loves me and he loves his son, this is why it's a very delicate situation that I just don't want to make it any harder on either of us than it needs to be.

This was the advice I was looking for and I believe this is the way I am going to handle this situation.
Thank you!!

I would tell him that until his son makes amends you aren’t ready for a long visit like this. Amends for me would be a sincere apology to both of you and attempt beginning repayment.

I would not accept his father cutting him off or refusing to see him. These kids come by their problems honestly, even if it’s hard to see it. I wouldn’t want a man that could walk away from his child.

@LuluBlakey1 has the answer.

I’m glad it was helpful @MichelleLee79

I’m all about boundaries and definitely don’t allow myself to be walked over, but always try to see things from every angle.

In all honesty I think the young bloke will probably let you all down again, but there is always hope, and anyway there’s nothing you or your partner can do about that. You can however help your partner to live the rest of his life knowing he gave him every chance and knowing you supported him in that. Which is what I was trying to say in a very waffly way earlier!!

I really hope your step son comes through for you both. All the best and Merry Christmas!

LuluBlakey1 · Today 00:51

You say 'No- I don't want him here ever again and you know why. I have no idea why you are asking me- you should be telling him yourself and telling him why. Take the responsibility. Don't blame me. Go and spend Christmas with him if you want to see him.

Your man will love his son anyway; no matter how rubbish or otherwise terribly he behaves. Its telling as well he wants you to make a decision re his son too because he can't/won't. His inertia when it comes to his son hurts him as much as his son.

In addition this enabling of him as his father, your sister and you have done has only given you all a false sense of control.

You keep stressing what a great dad your partner is, but his son went off the rails at 14, did a stint in juvenile prison and then his only parent washed his hands of him when he was 17 so he could move in with his new girlfriend.

You have every right to be angry about the rental but at the same time he's had a really awful start in life. He is probably still angry and upset about it all, too.

Do what you want on Christmas but make it clear to your partner that not seeing his own son is HIS choice, not yours.

OP can not control the requests from DSS or his father's longing to see his son. She can only make her choice about her role and what she will accept.

This response means the thing she says she does not want- the step son in her house again, will not happen.
Her DH is pathetic and passing the buck and blame. He has his choice.

All this 'make him write a sincere apology' is rubbish.

14 is the most common age school refusal will rear it's ugly head and unfortunately many people including professionals are very ill equipped at dealing with it. This often results in further issues down the line.
There is no excuse for unreasonable behaviour at this age, 21, but this young man has by the sound of it had an absent Mum throughout most of his younger years. I don't know if other women were introduced to him at that time but he has by the sound of it had a very different upbringing to most. My own husband died young leaving me to raise two sons alone and unless you are in this situation you have no idea what it entails and the effect it has on the children involved.
His behaviour has a lot to be desired but l think he needs to know he does have one stable and secure anchor in life, the relationship with his Dad. Deep down he is probably fearful of losing that.

Please ignore the pp's suggesting that your DH's parenting caused his son's problems. I think there's an element of sexism in there - if his dad had abandoned him as a baby, and he'd gone off the rails at 14, some posters would be blaming his dad for abandoning him. Because it's his mum that abandoned him, they are blaming his dad for still being around but not doing a good enough job.

He likely went off the rails because his mum abandoned him.
Linked to getting involved with the 'wrong' people.

People with perfectly loving home lives can go off the rails. It just requires one trigger, which is often beyond their parents' control.

I completely understand why he can't abandon his child, never mind at Christmas.

A also completely understand why you don't want to have someone staying in your house who has shown you complete disrespect and caused you and your DH such anguish.

I think you have your answer in SeaGrassBasket's response, and I really hope that helps. I think I would include a condition that your DH takes time to sit down with his son over the holiday and does his best to get him to open up about how he feels, tries to get him to seek out help, and certainly to acknowledge that how he treated your house is appalling.

If you live in Perth, tell him to catch the bus on Christmas Day.

And how long has your dh been on 3/1? That’s a shocker of a roster if he is trying to bring up a child. He should be 2/2 at least, surely?

Lulu

I did not suggest the son writes an apology, another poster suggested that.

I agree with Muddays and SomeoneYouLoved about the son's early loss of his mother as likely a major factor in his difficulties. Apparently 14 or the early teenage years is an age when all of the unresolved childhood trauma asserts itself in the child, often in response to the increasing social, academic and emotional demands placed on teenagers. Also I agree with TheSandgroper 's question about how long dad has been on a work roster 3:1 . I have an adopted son and have faced similar difficulties. Alas I know whereof I speak. Resolving these difficulties is another matter.