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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abuse

33 replies

Fatherofan18 · 13/12/2023 22:29

So. How do I handle this. My partner and I were at a wedding last weekend. She got very drunk and really abusive towards me. I did shout some horrible things back in anger after her telling she was going to sleep with another guy tonight, she hates and is only with me for money. This ended with her punching me in the face several times leaving me with a nasty black eye, swollen cheek and possibly fractured jaw. The next day she came down stairs crying saying she has no idea what happened and knows she did something awful, when she saw my face she was really really upset. She’s an ex pro boxer so it did hurt quite a bit. Shes been so nice since, I guess I am wondering what people’s thoughts are. She has told me she doesn’t why she says she doesn’t love me cos she does and seems to be devastated she did it. Not sure if she actually is or if it is for my benefit. I’ve had to lie to family, friends and colleagues as I’m ashamed she did it to me, and she didn’t want people to know it was her which I suppose I understand. She has been verbally horrible a few times before. But never physically. What are people’s thoughts and how do I deal with it going forward

OP posts:

Branleuse · 13/12/2023 22:33

Id advise you to leave and report to the police and stop all contact with her. Clearly an incredibly toxic relationship. Since you're not married, at least hopefully not legally complicated, but clearly you can't have a healthy relationship with a violent drunk

Original poster

Fatherofan18 · 13/12/2023 22:35

It’s the 1st time she’s been drinking in 6 months. And this has never happened before, I’m hoping it’s a 1 off

OP posts:

Thro · 13/12/2023 23:18

Sorry to hear this, have you sought medical advice for your injuries?
One punch is one punch too many. She could have killed you, especially if she was a pro boxer. You need to leave her, it will only escalate.
There are resources out there for men who are subjected to domestic violence, the NHS website has a good list:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/#:~:text=men%20can%20call%20Men's%20Advice,to%20Friday%2C%2010am%20to%204pm)

Getting help for domestic violence and abuse

Find out about the signs of domestic violence and abuse, and where to get help. Domestic violence and abuse can happen against women and against men, and anyone can be an abuser.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/#:~:text=men%20can%20call%20Men's%20Advice,to%20Friday%2C%2010am%20to%204pm)

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 23:33

You can hope whatever you like, but it won't make it happen. You should've called the police and gone to the hospital.

sprigatito · 13/12/2023 23:38

I really think you should get yourself checked out at A&E, your jaw probably needs an x-ray. They can notify the police for you if you want to report the assault. That's up to you - but at the least I would take some photos of your injuries in case you decide later that you want to report it.

The relationship has to end, you know that. She's dangerous and you can't be her punching bag. It doesn't matter how remorseful she is after the fact; it's happened, and it will happen again.

Mosa369 · 13/12/2023 23:55

You sound like you're making excuses for her already. Just imagine a close friend of yours told you the exactly same story, what would you advise. No one has the right to ever put their hands on you. In my opinion she will do it again and it will only get harder to leave. Just please listen to the advice you get because I can guarantee every comment on here will be similar in the fact that you should leave this relationship.

All the best.

Opentooffers · 13/12/2023 23:58

At a wedding of all places, where the mood should be happy. Shows she's a nasty drunk - and I be she knows it too.
Is there a reason she has not had a drink in 6 months? Does she have history of issues around alcohol? How long have you been together?
Was she sober when verbally horrible? Perhaps you don't know her as well as you think.
At a bare minimum split a few months and only consider a 2nd chance if you have been in this relationship years and she shows proof of seeking therapy for her violent tendendencies.
If you don't live together or have DC's, just end it.

Pinkbonbon · 14/12/2023 00:55

Love its only 6 months in and you're making excuses for who violently assaulted you. Lying to your friends and family about it.

You know that's mad right?

Get away from the fucking psychopath. Because that's what she is.

I'd seriously advise you to also report her to the police. She is a cery dangerous person and I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't thr first person she has assaulted.

Take pictures of your injuries and go to your gp ASAP for a check up. Be honest with them so that there is record somewhere of this attack even if you don't go to the police. As you may need it in future to protect yourself from this lunatic.

Violent ofenders always pretend to be remorseful. They are adapt at crocodile tears. It's bullshit designed to keep you trapped.

Seriously op I don't care how drunk she was, it's not an excuse. I don't physically assault people when I drink and I wouldn't be friends with anyone who does. Let alone date them. Because they are fucking mental.

heartbroken22 · 14/12/2023 01:21

Leave. Right. Now.

Otherwise it will get worse. Much worse.

Christmasmug · 14/12/2023 01:34

Even if you believe that this was some kind of freak, out of character event how can you (or she) ever be sure it won't happen again? If she has no idea why she did it she can't promise she wont do it again can she, because she's obviously not in control when it happens. She could kill you next time, please get away from her while you can.

burntoutnurse · 14/12/2023 01:43

Leave.

MariaLuna · 14/12/2023 01:57

This ended with her punching me in the face several times leaving me with a nasty black eye, swollen cheek and possibly fractured jaw.

This is your wake up call. Listen!

And report it to the police.

I know domestic abuse does not discriminate. Thank you for telling your story.
I know there's a male DV too, no idea where though.

randomuser2019 · 14/12/2023 02:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

CrunchyCarrot · 14/12/2023 02:15

When this happens, the victim often thinks it's a one off or the abuser won't do it again because they are really sorry. Well that's just not true. Please do get yourself checked out and start making plans to leave. She's done it once and it will be easier for her to do it again, now. You don't want to be on the receiving end of that!

Original poster

Fatherofan18 · 14/12/2023 07:00

I hear what everyone is saying. I
honestly don’t need to go to a dr, I’m played professional rugby, I know what a small fracture feels like, and know when something can be done about it, last time I fractured my jaw, i just had to
leave it to sort it self.
we’ve been together nearly 2 years and nothing like it has ever happened before, the only reason she’s not had a drink in the last 6 months, is purely down to us both being too busy to have a night out but before that we’ve been
out many times, she’s never been this drunk and never forgets what happened the night before. It’s not impossible her drink was spiked as there were drugs around on the night, neither of us partake in it. I don’t think involving the police is a good idea

OP posts:

FiveCows · 14/12/2023 07:02

It will happen again.

You are minimising. You should run for the hills.

This is a toxic relationship. Leave before there are kids involved.

Epidote · 14/12/2023 07:06

I will report to the police and leave her.
Not necessarily in that order.

womanwithissues · 14/12/2023 07:19

Can you imagine ever punching your partner in the face? Even when really drunk? I suspect you're horrified at the very idea of it. But she has done that to you. She has physically and mentally abused you and there is no coming back from it.

If a stranger did it to you, would you call it assault? If a friend was treated like this by their partner, would you tell them to leave?
You don't deserve to be treated like a punching bag.

makeminealargeoneagain · 14/12/2023 07:44

Leave her. She's abusive. She'll do it again. You'll end up modifying your own behaviour around her. Be true to yourself and leave.

Rainbowx90 · 14/12/2023 08:01

Leave.

I cannot imagine staying for a minute longer if my partner punched me.

If you stay, you're condoning what happened and allowing her to think she's got away with it. She will do it again.

Bananalanacake · 14/12/2023 08:08

It's only been 2 years, hopefully you don't live together so she's easier to get rid of. Being verbally nasty to you is worthy of dumping even without the violence.

diefledermaus · 14/12/2023 08:32

I'm so sorry she did that to you, what a huge violation of your trust and love for her.
The first time you have to lie to family and friends about something a partner has done should be a huge red flag.
I wish I had realised this sooner.
Her being nice to you now is another way of controlling the situation - she is doing this so you won't leave her. Please change the genders in the narrative and imagine if a sister, mother, female friend was telling you that their husband has been so nice to her since punching her in the face. You wouldn't accept it and the same is true in your case.

You need to leave her, she will do this again. I hope you are ok.

StrawberryWater · 14/12/2023 09:01

She'll do it again.

She's already seeing that she can get away with it and has escalated beyond verbal attacks.

Leave her and please get some counselling so that you a) stop minimizing awful behaviour b) work on your self esteem and c) recognise abusive relationships so you can avoid them in the future.

ChristmasTreeStar · 14/12/2023 09:03

Call the police and leave. Take photos as evidence. Omg that’s terrible. With Christmas coming up, dont live on egg shells if she starts drinking over Christmas time. If shes done it once, and you forgive, shes likely to do it again.

Original poster

Fatherofan18 · 14/12/2023 09:04

no we do live together

OP posts:

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