ADHD trait or emotional immaturity? Or both....

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Three times in my life I've had relationships with this. Recently, (in my 50s with a man in his 60s), also late teens and also in my late 30s. (so, a range of ages for me and the men)
All three men with (diagnosed later in life) ADHD is the other thing that links them

The issue being, emotional inconsistency...eg you have a row and the man suddenly says he doesn't love me. He doesn't because he's angry/ upset/ we are rowing/I'm wrong and he's right.. whatever. Earlier that day, he could have said he loves me, but a row suddenly stops that.
Perhaps in a few days or weeks when we've made it up, suddenly he 'loves' me again but he'll confess he didn't for that time we were rowing, or apart or temporarily split. He'll say something like, 'how can I love you when we are arguing?/ when I'm angry?' etc...
To me it's emotional immaturity, but it's made me ill in these relationships.
When I was young, I very confused as that was my first serious relationship. I put it down to us both being young and inexperienced. But to experience it again decades on and with a 60 something?
To say you can turn love on and off like a tap? No. I say then, that it wasn't truly there in the first place. Love doesn't anger that easily, in my book. It's pure playground stuff.. eg one day, 'you are my best friend' and the next (because of a squabble or found a new playmate), 'I don't like you, not talking to you any more'...
If I love someone, I might want to murder them at times, but the love remains the same. A bust up doesn't change the love. I might feel I love and 'hate' (obviously not hate in the true sense!) them all at once in a moment of anger but the love doesn't diminish. That's what a mature and stable relationship is to me. You have that reassurance that an argument or minor separation no matter how big or small, doesn't change those feelings and you can feel secure that you will reunite with feelings fully intact , or agree to disagree if can't reach a conclusion; that you will make it up without feeling that the love has somewhat been diluted.
So it's shocking to find myself again, middleaged but with the deja vu of that first relationship in my late teens.
I've discussed with a few friends and they all conclude it's an ADHD trait and of course all these men have ADHD anyway...
However, I'm currently starting my own assessment for ADHD and I can say it's the absolute opposite to me..
The other thing these three men have in common is that they were bad communicators. If there was an issue they'd avoid all confrontation or get nasty/ defensive. I'm a peacemaker and like to talk things through and not
go to bed on an argument. With these men I was bashing my head against a brick wall. If I calmly tried to discuss an issue I'd be accused of trying to start a row, when all I wanted was clear communication and to sort a problem and move forward. They'd get unpleasant and then it would blow into a full blown thing just because I'd for eg asked a simple question or asked to talk.
My workplace recently thanked me for being the mediator and peacemaker in my team, for being able to deal with the most difficult customers and co workers and being able to see both sides to everything... just to make the point that I am a fair person. I've been told this my entire life and it's true.. it's why I never take sides with people either.
Blowing hot and cold to me is the worst thing.. I find it worse than cheating in fact. It makes me scared to ever consider another relationship.
Would like to hear others opinions... I'm on the fence re it being an adhd thing but I'm trying to weigh it all up...I can't deal with anyone so changeable
and not knowing where I stand or fearing a row will make someone hostile or run (this also applies to friendships too.. it has happened a few times there too)

You are right. That is not an adhd trait. I was diagnosed 3 months ago as an adult. Done lots of research.

trying to manipulate someone by withdrawing love is not a trait of adhd.

No connection to ADHD. But perhaps you need to dig into why you keep being attracted to men like this.

thankyou Aussie and sorry my post was so long.
Yes absolutely the word I missed out was manipulation.
Two of these men were extremely controlling. One was a DV relationship and severe coercion. The last one was no physical violence but much control and both admitted to huge insecurity too. Both big players of mind games. Both narcissists.

As for the guy I was with in my teens.. we are actually still friends. With him I feel there was no malice or control, and I know he's been the same with other girlfriends. It's purely who he is and he's been single for about 2 decades now
and wants to remain so. As in, I think that really is the real him but he's not
a bad person, not trying to make excuses but it's something he can't help and this is why he chooses to be single now. Unlike the other two who exercised
coercion

I actually do think it's an adhd trait. My son is very much like this, he feels emotions very strongly so when he is upset/angry, he hates very strongly too, similarly for feeling love too. This could be a bit of a teenage adhd hing but I do hope this doesn't follow him in life otherwise he will never have a successful relationship. The feels do pass very quickly, he will strongly hate for a short amount of time and within minutes he will have forgotten how much he hates everyone and everything.

Adhd is a spectrum disorder too so not all people with adhd feel like this

Hundred, I'm trying to. Obviously these relationships are very spread out as ranging from me being 19 to 51. The longest of these was only four years.
I never want to encounter it again.
Also two of these men, started off as friends and that's why it is shocking... you don't know until caught up deep in it

Adhd and trauma can present the same symptoms and some people (not all) can get a bit stuck in the age that traumatic events occurred (made more complicated by adhd and not 'fitting in' can create trauma) so although emotional immaturity isn't an adhd trait as such it can go hand in hand (I have adhd and trauma and can be a bit emotionally immature at times).

thankyou SAH07, I'm trying to get a range of opinions here

it can be an adhd trait yes. feeling emotions suddenly going from 1-100mph in seconds was one of the major factors that made me get a diagnosis. and also being overcome with anger / throwing everything away only ro regret things very quickly was a major point

I don't believe it's an ADHD thing because like you I have it, and I don't fall out of love because of an argument... In fact in the past I've stayed too long loving exes, when they were vile to me and I should have given up on them!

There are a heck of a lot of emotionally illiterate middle aged men out there however. The generation that were on the tail end of the "men don't have feelings, and anger isn't really an emotion" curve which has since faded out somewhat.

It's also worth looking into why you might be choosing similar types of men for relationships - attachment theory has a lot to say about this. And codependency. Look at the relationships that were modelled to you by adults when you were growing up, and the one you experienced with your father and mother. Sometimes we fall into patterns, hoping to right past wrongs with new people in our adult lives. It can make very difficult people just the right amount of attractive, and we don't even see it! And when they refuse to take any responsibility for their actions, we might end up blaming ourselves. Which means the cycle continues.

Emotional dysregulation was the main factor I was diagnosed as a teenager. It's my biggest challenge (not so much anger but overwhelm and then an inability to do anything). It's central to adhd.

Begs, my father was abusive, controlling, very violent

and my mother enabled him and often blamed me eg 'well what did you do or say?'
yet I only had to sometimes walk in a room and a punch would be thrown

I must be all levels of messed up (yet I know I'm so fair with others!)
but I love deeply and passionately
A very messed up factor that confused me greatly as a child is that when my dad went ott he'd sometimes grovel and apologise afterwards, either his doing or my mum would get him to (even though she'd enabled)...
This has followed me into adulthood as I admit sometimes I get a kick out of seeing the man grovel to me, which doesn't happen often, and begs for me to come back or my forgiveness.
I have had counselling in past but ... it's all too deep rooted

ADHD can make someone impulsive in how they react to others.

Sorry you had to deal with all that growing up. I would say this is probably a very important factor in you choosing controlling and coercive men to have relationships with. Psychotherapy, specifically relational therapy, is good for unpicking these kinds of issues. Have you ever had any therapy like that in the past?

I can only explain it as, an element of power is given back to me.. if the man grovels it reminds me of my father apologising. Of course, the next day it would happen all over again.. so it meant nothing.
and the rest of the time.. I held no power.. I was a tiny child being controlled and beaten most days. All because my father could not handle any stress and apparently it was how he was brought up.

JUst been diagnosed ADHD and I actually think it is my own emotional issues that attract me to emotionally unavailable men. My therapist calls it rejection sensitivity. Of course I do not condone the silent treatment and way my exes have treated me but I do see how I responded to it was a bit ott. I will say I am an all in or all out person but I do not blow hot and cold. Once I go cold I am gone. Once i am hot then I try my best and fight to the death but I am realising why now with my dignity firmly leaking out of me.

Begs, I should look into it because here I am at 52.. my parents still alive
and I harbour deep resentment.. definitely love and hate feelings.. it all comes out in terrible nightmares most nights..
I only had counselling after DV at a woman's centre, it touched a bit on childhood..

Psychoticbreak, that's me, I'll fight to the death as it were if I'm madly in love and want to protect that.. but once gone cold I run and block all contact..
even if I'm still in love, if pushed too far I'l run (as did with the last one but he's finding ways to contact)...

Maybe try some eye movement therapy OP. It can be really effective and if you have to pay for therapy yourself it will be much more cost effective than years of counselling. It doesn't work for everyone but it's definitely worth a shot.

I think we're all attracted to what we knew in our childhood. Don't beat yourself up about it. Self awareness is the first step.

Titica, thanks for reminding me of this.
I had thought about this before. I think I read about it in a book about Milly Dowler written by her sister but then I felt guilty as what's my trauma compared to something like that..but certainly I considered it at the time and did some research (yes it did work miracles for that family)

I was considering it re having left DV (I was on MN a lot of the time back then) and the flashbacks, ptsd and nightmares.. which I still have

I think therapy would really help you @alltoomuchrightnow. It sounds very much like repeated childhood patterns / learnt behaviours are at play here and they are so fundamental that you probably don't even see them. We can follow these patterns with friends as well as with lovers. The common factor here is YOU rather than ADHD.

(I have a confirmed ADHD diagnosis myself).

I've had a LOT of therapy over the years and it has made a HUGE difference. I don't find counselling very useful but a good psychologist can make the world of difference. Life changing difference even.

Hypnotherapy is the only thing that ever helped me but it never lasted long.
A few weeks at most. It definitely changed my nightmares but they'd always come back the same, and I couldnt afford to keep having sessions

I can say counselling didn't really help, It allowed me to cry and rant (as did going to Al Anon as the DV ex was an alcoholic) so in that way cathartic but
didn't explore like psychology can, and I didn't find any answers but it allowed to express myself in a safe place.. I need to go deeper now