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Original poster

help with a drunken kiss that I can't remember

27 replies

niamh333 · 13/12/2023 17:33

Hi everyone I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I am not a regular drinker, but I went out and got absolutely blackout drunk on new medication, no food and can't remember 3 hours of time. I completely accept that this was my fault and take full responsibility for being stupid.

I got told the next morning after that kissed my friend - I told my partner the minute I found out. I feel awful, numb and horrible and not sure what to do. He says he forgives me and we're still together but the pain and guilt is eating away at me. I've contacted a therapist but this takes time.

I love my partner more than anything I would never even think of doing this EVER. how do I get over this and be myself again? I've stopped drinking entirely. I have 0 recollection of these few hours I don't even know how I got to the bar, I've blacked out before years ago in my teens but never this bad - which is definitely my own fault and should have been more careful on my medication.

Then I decided to ask the guy to give me a timeline as he was considerably less drunk than I.
He said we "sort of flirted" which I don't remember - in fact I remember talking about a video game and gym stuff for a while. and then he admitted he was the one who kissed me. I think I was in quite a state so visibly I would have been quite clumsy (only guessing here as this is how drunk me might act, but this was a complete blackout). He said we kissed again outside after talking to someone on the street, again no recollection. My partner is more forgiving now knowing how drunk I was and that this guy made the move on me but I still feel so awful about myself that I got that drunk.

Please any advice is so appreciated, I know I fucked up but I can't help feel I was in an absolute state and I know I'm not looking to leave my partner at all as we want to get married and I'm struggling to forgive myself.

OP posts:
allgrownupnow · 13/12/2023 17:38

The other got took advantage of you.
You can forgive yourself, it may take a bit of time.
When did this happen?

Pinkbonbon · 13/12/2023 17:45

First off, don't let him know you're this stressed by it. He'd already told you it's not a big deal so the worst thing you can do is to make him think he should taking it more seriously than he is. That's a recipie for problems later on.

Secondly...I'm not sure this person is your friend. He saw you were in a state,knows you have a boyfriend - and kissed you anyway.

If I was your partner, I wouldn't be pissed about your drinking (it was a rare occasion and your medication backfired. Shit happens), I'd be pissed however, that you hung around with a man who fancies you.

Maybe it was part of a large group so you didn't invision anything dodgy going on. But now you know. Time to cull off any male friends that aren't either gay or men you've known for many years without ever being attracted to and vice versa. Unfortunately you can never be too careful.

Many men are not friends. They are opportunists.

Generally I'd say group events with men as ours of them are fine, using your discretion. But in your case, this guys slipped through your radar. So I wouldn't take any more chances. But especially where ANYONE is drinking.

FreeAdamsApples · 13/12/2023 17:47

Are you sure your drink wasn't spiked?

Who told you about the kiss?

The other guy admitted that he kissed you - you've done nothing wrong. You were unable to consent to anything. You are not to blame for this.

Flowers
MushMonster · 13/12/2023 17:57

Was your friend drank too? Because he is not coming out any good on this at all. Friends are meant ti take care of each other, not advantage.
It was one mistake, it could have been much worst. You know not to repeat. Even, not to drink when out and about, on medication? Never a good idea
Forgive yourself.

BornIn78 · 13/12/2023 18:00

Who told you that you kissed this guy?

Who did you go out with, who else was there?

furtivetussling · 13/12/2023 18:04

If you were so absolutely out of it that you were unable to consent, then this wasn't simply a drunken kiss, he assaulted you.

Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 18:28

Thank you. Although I still am upset at myself I am stressed that he remembers and I don't. My boyfriend said I was completely out of it when I got home which I don't remember either - so I can't imagine I was much different 20 mins before that when I was with him. It was a group thing, never really spoke to him much before but knew he was a nice guy ! all I keep seeing online is that I'm "once a cheater always a cheater" and it makes me feel sick.
He said we kissed twice and he admitted to making the move. I can't stop trying to replay the night in my head but there is genuinely nothing there - I could not tell you what bar I was in I had to check my Google maps, and I certainly couldn't tell you any other conversations I had that night. My friends said to me a few days after I was very drunk and didn't mention anything about me flirting with this guy. Your reply is very grounding for me as I'm spiralling quite a bit since it happened!

OP posts:
Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 18:29

I'm assuming I kissed him back but I genuinely don't know, and I don't think I would have had the capacity to stop, I'm just glad nothing more happened

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 18:30

Are you certain you weren't spiked, OP? You'd have to drink a hell of a lot to not be able to remember all that.

Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 18:31

The guy told me because I asked him in the morning - I remember one thing and that was me getting into a taxi and him asking to come with me and I remember saying no. My friends were there but he said he kissed me outside the bathrooms and outside so they wouldn't have been around

OP posts:
Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 18:32

I definitely thought about it, but we had an open bar, empty stomach, new medication it was just a recipe for disaster and my own fault for not being more careful - was just trying to not feel as anxious as there were new people around so I don't think I was spiked

OP posts:
Mabelface · 13/12/2023 18:42

He was a creep who took advantage of you. He kissed you, twice, when you were in no fit state to consent. He then tried to go with you in a taxi. You've done nothing wrong. It's all on him.

Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 19:03

I guess I just feel like the worst person for even getting that drunk and being so reckless, I never intended on blacking out

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 13/12/2023 19:45

Did he buy any of your drinks, and could he have bought you doubles (or triples)?

Funny how these kisses happened when you were away from your friends, coming out of the loo and leaving the bar, he 100% took advantage whether he spiked your drink or not.

This person isn't a good guy, and he's definitely not a friend.

saffronsoup · 13/12/2023 19:50

There is no way to know if he took advantage of you. You could have been acting just tipsy and been a very willing participant in the kiss. Blackouts are only about memory - not how you acted at the time.

Maybe you were falling over and stumbling drunk or maybe you were acting pretty normal. There isn’t really any way to know unless you have video.

Pinkbonbon · 13/12/2023 19:50

Cut yourself some slack op. Especially considering your update that he's not actually a friend but just someone you'd met through friends a few times who seemed nice (so maybe I was too quick to question your judgement regarding male friends).

But no, he's not a nice guy is he. Not based on his behaviour.

Unfortunately there are men who hang around, pretending to be 'nice' in our proximity and in our lives in general who are actually just waiting for a chance to take advantage. If we're not careful and think they are nice, we get taken advantage of when vulnerable.

Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 21:20

Maybe i was too trusting but he genuinely was nice - its just a bit odd to me. But its upsetting me more that I can't actually think about it there's no memory there so i sort of send myself into a bit of spiral - but thank u for your help

OP posts:
Original poster
niamh333 · 13/12/2023 21:39

i have no evidence of buying drinks - i had free drinks in the restaurant but don't remember anything from the bar so i assume someone bought me something or i didn't drink anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
niamh333 · 14/12/2023 11:00

it happened about 2 weeks ago but it hasn't left my mind and i keep torturing myself trying to forgive myself but it feels impossible

OP posts:
FreeAdamsApples · 14/12/2023 11:19

he genuinely was nice

They always are, until they're not.

It is possible it wasn't your new medication that caused this. Did your GP prescribe it? Perhaps you could speak to them in the first instance, it sounds to me like you need to work through this with someone.

Original poster
niamh333 · 14/12/2023 13:52

well I had only started this new medication - prescribed by GP, but I only figured out after the fact it's very dangerous to drink in excess on It - as well as this it can make you get drunker faster which makes sense. I feel extremely stupid

OP posts:
Dery · 14/12/2023 16:21

@niamh333 - you need to cut yourself some slack.

You don’t usually behave this way. You know why you got so drunk in this case (medication). You’re going to change your behaviour going forward. You told your BF immediately. You’ve done everything right. Your BF knows you and trusts you. The guy in question was a piece of work who took advantage. That’s on him, not you.

I wonder whether what you’re experiencing is a fear reaction. Perhaps at a cellular level, your body or your subconscious remembers the kisses even though your conscious mind doesn’t. Perhaps there was fear in that moment for you. This guy tried to follow you into the cab and even in your befuddled state, you were trying to get away from him. There may be something for you to process there. And some learning - as a PP said, some guys seem nice, until they’re not.

You should not be suffering over this. Forgive yourself. Learn the lessons. Put it behind you.

Original poster
niamh333 · 14/12/2023 16:40

@Dery You are right, I am doing everything right. I think if I wasn't a good person I would not feel bad whereas this is consuming me. I love my partner so much I would never throw away the healthiest, happiest relationship of my life.

I feel as though everything i read tells me that i must have wanted it - but in reality i was completely out of it, had no idea where I was and can't remember any other conversations to save my life. Even if it looked like i was completely aware to the guy, I wasn't there - when I came home my boyfriend told me the next day I was speaking absolute gibberish and passed out, which I don't remember either. I am going to make it up to my partner. I made a mistake by drinking that much and putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation but i going to learn from it. Thank you for your lovely reply, i have read it over and over.

OP posts:
Dery · 14/12/2023 16:48

@niamh333 - I’m very glad to have helped. You might need to change your reading matter because it’s giving you a very out of date, discredited view!

You’ve wrestled with this long enough - you can put it down now. I hope you’ve got some lovely plans for the Festive Season to look forward to!

Original poster
niamh333 · 14/12/2023 19:41

@Dery y thank you for your kind words, i really appreciate it <3 I hope you have a lovely christmas!

OP posts: