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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship advice appreciated

29 replies

BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 09:40

I could do with some advice/outside opinions on my relatively new relationship as I’m not sure what’s going on.

Been seeing each other 10 months, all going well however there have been a couple of occasions where he has gone quiet/moody and when I’ve asked what’s wrong he says it’s because he feels I’m expecting him to act in a certain way and it’s putting pressure on him.

I have been genuinely baffled when he’s said this as I had no idea I was doing this. Is that possible? I’m starting to feel like I have to monitor my words and my actions so that I don’t inadvertently do something wrong. That’s not right, is it?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/12/2023 09:43

Big red flag - don't wait around for it to get worse

perfectcolourfound · 13/12/2023 12:51

This is a warning sign.

For a start, if it's true that you have put undue pressure on him, then as an adult the only right action is for him to discuss it with you, and explain the problem. Then you can respond and hopefully resolve the issue.

So his moodiness is wrong, whatever the circumstances.

category12 · 13/12/2023 13:14

If he can't explain it in specifics, then it does sound like he's making up something random & foggy to wrong-foot you.

What exactly is it that you allegedly do to put pressure on him?

If you don't know, and he doesn't either, then he's blaming you for something internal which is his thing to deal with, not yours.

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 13:50

You’re all telling me what I think I already knew.

I’ve asked for specific examples of what I do that makes him feel like this but he can never give any.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 13:56

Get rid.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 13/12/2023 14:06

If he's not giving you specific examples of what you've done to make him feel this way then its not a good sign.

At best he's just being flaky - at worst h's setting you up for a future of walking on egg shells while you wonder what on earth you've done to upset him.

You can try calling him out on that fact his explanation of his moodiness isnt good enough - or just end it straight away.

RockStarship · 13/12/2023 14:52

If he had a genuine concern then he would give you examples of what you had said to make him feel this way. However he isn't giving you any examples and instead is making you walk on eggshells around him. This is him trying to modify your behaviour to suit him/control you. There are much better fish in the sea- chuck him back.

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 18:05

I’m seeing him tomorrow night, so will discuss it with him then and ask for specific examples.

If it is something I’m actually doing, then I’d like to know so I can see if it’s something I need to work on. And if he can’t tell me, then I know what to do.

OP posts:
Mielbee · 13/12/2023 18:07

Wishing you all the best and so glad you've realised at this point in the relationship.

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 18:37

Thank you. It’s just so hard as it’s good about 90% of the time but I can’t cope with feeling awful when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 18:52

He's a pathetic wet wipe.

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 18:55

'he has gone quiet/moody and when I’ve asked what’s wrong he says it’s because he feels I’m expecting him to act in a certain way and it’s putting pressure on him.'

The only answer to that is to ask him why is he acting like a great big baby and doesn't he feel embarrassed by being so pathetic?

pictoosh · 13/12/2023 19:10

BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 18:37

Thank you. It’s just so hard as it’s good about 90% of the time but I can’t cope with feeling awful when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong

He knows what he's doing.

pictoosh · 13/12/2023 19:11

Unless he's thick of course. Is he thick?

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 19:12

No he isn’t, which means he’s doing this on purpose, doesn’t it

OP posts:
pictoosh · 13/12/2023 19:12

Of course.

byteme1011 · 13/12/2023 19:15

Trust your gut here, how old is he?

Terrribletwos · 13/12/2023 19:16

Yep, he's doing this on purpose as a power play, don't fall for it!!

Olika · 13/12/2023 19:20

I thought I had heard it all but that's a new one. I couldn't be bothered with him after that. Doesn't sound like it's working naturally.

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 19:26

byteme1011 · 13/12/2023 19:15

Trust your gut here, how old is he?

He’s 40!

OP posts:
JoanMacIntosh · 13/12/2023 19:31

I’m almost sure the best view of this man is in your rear view mirror OP.

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 19:39

40?!

Good grief, I though you were describing a very young male. Like a twelve year old!

He's petulant, moody, manipulative, whiny, needy and if you want a relationship with an unmanly twerp then go ahead.

If you want someone who respects you and whom you can respect then raise your standards and look for someone else.

Original poster
BluntEmily · 13/12/2023 20:25

I’m so pleased I posted here and to read that it’s him and not me. I thought I was going mad!

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 13/12/2023 20:32

Whether or not you're acting in a way that's putting pressure on him is a red herring here OP, and not the issue. The problem is that rather than address it in a mature way and have a discussion, he's sulking and giving you the silent treatment. If this is how he deals with issues this early in the relationship then it will likely get worse. A 40 year old man should not be behaving like this. I'd bin him.

iamenough2023 · 13/12/2023 20:35

perfectcolourfound · 13/12/2023 12:51

This is a warning sign.

For a start, if it's true that you have put undue pressure on him, then as an adult the only right action is for him to discuss it with you, and explain the problem. Then you can respond and hopefully resolve the issue.

So his moodiness is wrong, whatever the circumstances.

This! Perhaps you did do something wrong in which case he should have addressed it. I have a feeling that its a case of gaslighting. I would say, end it now; it will be harder as you stay longer together.