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Original poster

Advice on cheating husband

50 replies

padmorn · 13/12/2023 08:05

I have posted before for advice but just a quick overview. Husband of 17 years cheated on me at the start of the summer. At the time I was taking care of our 3 month old, 1 year old and older child. I was really struggling with them and he appeared to have checked out for months. Taking care of himself looks wise and going out a lot. Turned out he was cheating I can across evidence.

He has been quite cruel about it all and said some horrible things to me. Until this day we is still denying it and won't admit it but that's the sort of person he is.

At the moment I have asked him to leave after Christmas and I mean this the relationship is done. However until then he is still here, he appears so happy to me that this is the way things are going.

However the main issue I have is that he trying to turn things around and says that we are ending because of many faults of mine, that I'm unloving and a shit wife basically. He never ever said this before the cheating scenario but according to him he is saying we've been like flatmates for years. He has never brought this up and I thought we were happy up until the cheating.

Please help me understand his behaviour in struggling enough with two young children here on my own until I go back to work and he leaves.

How do I not let this get to me, he obviously wants to look like the perfect family man and everything's my fault.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 13/12/2023 08:11

He is following 'the script' to make himself look like a martyr and you the bad one. They do this when caught cheating.

solice84 · 13/12/2023 08:11

He is reading you 'the script'
Typical cheater textbook quotes that they all come out with

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 08:18

Ah the history rewrite.

Eekmystro · 13/12/2023 08:37

His behaviour? He’s an arsehole, he knows he is in the wrong so will now to anything to save face and look like he isn’t the only one at thought.

Best thing you can do is minimise contact and discussion with him as much as possible and try not to worry about the opinions of anyone else.

If I were you I wouldn’t even bother arguing with him or discussing the issues you broke up over. He won’t relent. if he says something like- it was your fault we broke up because you didn’t put enough effort in, I’d simply say “if that’s what you think that’s fine.” Or “ok” then walk off or end he conversation.

Original poster
padmorn · 13/12/2023 09:40

Yes I'm going to grey rock him from now on I need to protect myself and focus on the children which I'm really mentally struggling with. I just want him to go so I can process things. I think perhaps he didn't realise that I would end it and mean and obviously didn't think he would get caught. How can he do this are so long and when we have such young children I just don't understand.

OP posts:
exDHisatwat · 13/12/2023 11:02

My husband did the same. We'd been together 18 years and have 2 school age children. He had an affair and has told the ow and family and friends we were unhappy, I was awful to him and that he would have left me eventually. This was all news to me, I'd honestly thought we were very happy, the affair completely blindsided me and devastated me and our dd's.

Cheating men say these things to try and justify their behaviour. I've really struggled to resist the urge to tell everyone what a lying bastard he is. I've had to rise above comments made by the ow and his family. I think deep down they know he's lying, his behaviour towards our children has been awful so he's showing his true colours without me having to say anything.

It's hard but I'd try to continue as you are saying nothing and ignoring him. Everyone who knows you will know the truth and those that don't know you well are irrelevant.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 13/12/2023 11:24

He has never brought this up and I thought we were happy up until the cheating.

Basically he has to justify to himself, he is not a cunt. He is

You have done nothing and he knows this.

Original poster
padmorn · 13/12/2023 11:47

@exDHisatwat sorry you have been through the same thing. How long ago did you go through this if you don't mind me asking.

I know he just doesn't want anyone to know what he's done and I won't be telling anyone my business either so will have to just suck it up. He has completely painted himself the victim I am just sickened.

He won't leave immediately I just need him to go.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 13/12/2023 11:49

The simple fact that you have two young kids proves that you weren't living like flatmates.
He's just a shit man trying to blame you for his shortcomings.

Chelsea543 · 13/12/2023 12:19

Christmas is nearly here so I’d be telling him to get his stuff packed now. Also he can still come over at Christmas if he is somewhere else. I’d at least tell him he needs to be gone before new year.

Ive just kicked my partner out for similar and I couldn’t imagine still living together especially with how your moron of a partner is being. Definitely try and get him out asap - is the house shared? Rented? Owned?

Original poster
padmorn · 13/12/2023 12:26

The house is rented, I really want him to go now but it's not likely at all. He's turned a bit nasty since I've been more forceful about it saying that I should move out.

Hes being very sarcastic and trying to antagonise me he text saying 'oh calm down darling' called me a lunatic. Trying to wind me up

OP posts:
JaneyGee · 13/12/2023 12:42

Psychoticbreak · 13/12/2023 08:11

He is following 'the script' to make himself look like a martyr and you the bad one. They do this when caught cheating.

Exactly.

Original poster
padmorn · 13/12/2023 13:00

Why does he not feel guilty or anything I want him to suffer as I am.

OP posts:
Socialyawkward · 13/12/2023 13:13

Never heard of flatmates making Irish twin babies 🤔🤔🤔🤔

He is deflecting he is blame shifting he's trying to justify in his own head he will probably be very happy in his new found freedom..... for all of 3 months ? Then he will want to come home. By that time you Ms Op will be the one happy and conent and pouring into your own cup and he can go be a nugget elsewhere..

Socialyawkward · 13/12/2023 13:15

Sorry just read your updates I just want to add for you to be very very careful in your reactions to him and if his behaviour escalates or becomes too much for you seek help in getting him out.

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 13/12/2023 13:35

padmorn · 13/12/2023 11:47

@exDHisatwat sorry you have been through the same thing. How long ago did you go through this if you don't mind me asking.

I know he just doesn't want anyone to know what he's done and I won't be telling anyone my business either so will have to just suck it up. He has completely painted himself the victim I am just sickened.

He won't leave immediately I just need him to go.

If people ask why you have separated you can say it was due to “unacceptable behaviour on his part”

I did this and it allowed me to remain dignified whilst making it very clear where the fault lay.

StrawberryWater · 13/12/2023 13:35

Tell him to pack his stuff and get out.

Don't be afraid in getting help in getting him out. Call the police and get him escorted off the property if you have to.

Original poster
padmorn · 13/12/2023 13:47

Unacceptable behaviour on his part is a brilliant way of putting it thanks for this.

Thank you all I understand it all now. I just couldn't make sense of it and I started to believe perhaps I am the problem.

OP posts:
Epidote · 13/12/2023 13:48

padmorn · 13/12/2023 13:00

Why does he not feel guilty or anything I want him to suffer as I am.

Because he doesn't give a shit about you. As rude, as blunt, as cold as a bucket of ice. He doesn't care about you.
He only cares about himself.

Kick him off, don't try to understand anything he does. Just kick him off and gain your life back.

You can't make him suffer because he doesn't care.

Hygeelady · 13/12/2023 13:54

Flatmates but you have had 2 children recently?? What sort of flatmate is this! I honestly don't think people will believe him because he got you pregnant and left you dealing with the children whilst he swanned about cheating. Sorry op. Have you got a plan? Where will you live?

allwedoistry · 13/12/2023 14:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

VintageDiamonds · 13/12/2023 14:21

Cognitive dissonance. He has a need to justify his actions. Don’t believe word he says.

Iona345 · 13/12/2023 14:32

My exh did this. Swore blind he wasn't cheating then brought up some pretty random "faults" I had like not being into a sport he's never once mentioned or watched in 20 years of knowing him and not being into a pretty nice sector of politics. Looking back this was utterly bonkers!

it's the script 100% and you are not the problem - he is.

Don't let it drive you mad trying to make sense of his words, don't let it drive you mad trying to get him to show remorse or guilt. My exh hasn't displayed either in 6 years since leaving and never will - I've just stopped caring.

Good luck OP. Kick him out after Christmas then build a life without his lies.

Iona345 · 13/12/2023 14:32

niche sector!

XMissPlacedX · 13/12/2023 15:01

Yes another vote for he is reading you the script to make himself feel better, grey rock. Let him believe what he wants to believe, the fact is he is a cheater and your well rid