Hi, I’m not too sure what I’m doing here and what I’m trying to achieve with writing this note - maybe just getting things out my chest. I don’t really need answers or advice I guess I just want to share this…. Just to warn you, the below discusses relationship, pregnancy, termination and break out. Lovely stuff.
in September I met this new guy and we started dating, pretty casually but consistently and, in hindsight unfortunately, I started to like him a lot.
Fast forward one month and a half, and I find out I’m pregnant. Long story short, we decided not to continue the pregnancy and from there things started to fall apart until, a week ago, he left me over a phone call (which I asked for, because I knew what was coming and was not about to do it over text).
I’m in pieces, I feel abandoned and I feel I’m dealing with a double grief: one for the pregnancy, one for him. I don’t know what to do about myself. I’ve today decided to start therapy as I genuinely feel broken. And so alone.
After finding out I was pregnant he said we were in this together and we’ll get through it together. I was so scared he would leave me right after (call it gut feeling) but he was always so sweet and loving when we were together. And I wish he didn’t, knowing how things went, I genuinely wishes he hadn’t tried to do the right thing and go through the termination with me (mind you though, he came with me at the appt but when I was actually at home in pain he was at the stadium and anyway spent most of the time away in another city). But still, during that time I grew so attached to him, I created this bond and I remember feeling so safe and calm just by touching him. And I wish I didn’t. Because now I feel completely broken, and I feel the only person who could possibly relate to what I’m going through about the termination is not here anymore. With all respect and love for those who go through this stuff on their own, I do wish he didn’t try to do the right thing and wish he’d dumped me there and then. Instead I got SO attached just to then be left alone while struggling to cope with what happened.
And I’m SO jealous - jealous of him being able to detach himself from the situation, to discard a problem, an inconvenience like that and go back to his own life. Jealous because throughout the whole ordeal and even now, I’m alone trying to pick up the pieces and deal with so many horrible emotions, alone. And he’s somewhere else, at his family home with his parents making him dinner after a stressful day at work, his best mates to go out for dinner and weekends away. Like two weeks ago, when we were supposed to meet and go to a museum and he disappeared, stood me up because he forgot and went away for a weekend. This was the weekend before he dumped me.
And stupid me for thinking we could have made it work. Stupid me for thinking okay, this is not good and hard to deal with especially because we hadn’t seen each other for that long… in total, it’s been a little over 2 months. Which makes me feel like an idiot for feeling like this. But it’s how I feel and I can’t control that, I can only try to work on it. But it’s so hard. And I miss him, and I hate that I do.
and I hate he tried to look like the good guy all along - “I’ll never ever forget you”. Yes you will and I know you already have. I’m the idiot who’s sitting on her bedroom floor, crying, writing an essay no one will ever read online, and I don’t even know what for.
and I really don’t know what I’m trying to get out of this, maybe I just need to scream all this stuff into the void, maybe I’m just trying to say this stuff without receiving opinions and judgment (have stopped talking to my friends about it because everyone has an opinion and everyone has to say it. I don’t want an opinion, I just need a hug and someone who can listen).
anyway, sorry for the massive downer of a post….
JK