Relationship ended after pregnancy termination and I’m at loss with grief.

[JenKelly4]

Hi, I’m not too sure what I’m doing here and what I’m trying to achieve with writing this note - maybe just getting things out my chest. I don’t really need answers or advice I guess I just want to share this…. Just to warn you, the below discusses relationship, pregnancy, termination and break out. Lovely stuff.

in September I met this new guy and we started dating, pretty casually but consistently and, in hindsight unfortunately, I started to like him a lot.

Fast forward one month and a half, and I find out I’m pregnant. Long story short, we decided not to continue the pregnancy and from there things started to fall apart until, a week ago, he left me over a phone call (which I asked for, because I knew what was coming and was not about to do it over text).

I’m in pieces, I feel abandoned and I feel I’m dealing with a double grief: one for the pregnancy, one for him. I don’t know what to do about myself. I’ve today decided to start therapy as I genuinely feel broken. And so alone.

After finding out I was pregnant he said we were in this together and we’ll get through it together. I was so scared he would leave me right after (call it gut feeling) but he was always so sweet and loving when we were together. And I wish he didn’t, knowing how things went, I genuinely wishes he hadn’t tried to do the right thing and go through the termination with me (mind you though, he came with me at the appt but when I was actually at home in pain he was at the stadium and anyway spent most of the time away in another city). But still, during that time I grew so attached to him, I created this bond and I remember feeling so safe and calm just by touching him. And I wish I didn’t. Because now I feel completely broken, and I feel the only person who could possibly relate to what I’m going through about the termination is not here anymore. With all respect and love for those who go through this stuff on their own, I do wish he didn’t try to do the right thing and wish he’d dumped me there and then. Instead I got SO attached just to then be left alone while struggling to cope with what happened.

And I’m SO jealous - jealous of him being able to detach himself from the situation, to discard a problem, an inconvenience like that and go back to his own life. Jealous because throughout the whole ordeal and even now, I’m alone trying to pick up the pieces and deal with so many horrible emotions, alone. And he’s somewhere else, at his family home with his parents making him dinner after a stressful day at work, his best mates to go out for dinner and weekends away. Like two weeks ago, when we were supposed to meet and go to a museum and he disappeared, stood me up because he forgot and went away for a weekend. This was the weekend before he dumped me.

And stupid me for thinking we could have made it work. Stupid me for thinking okay, this is not good and hard to deal with especially because we hadn’t seen each other for that long… in total, it’s been a little over 2 months. Which makes me feel like an idiot for feeling like this. But it’s how I feel and I can’t control that, I can only try to work on it. But it’s so hard. And I miss him, and I hate that I do.

and I hate he tried to look like the good guy all along - “I’ll never ever forget you”. Yes you will and I know you already have. I’m the idiot who’s sitting on her bedroom floor, crying, writing an essay no one will ever read online, and I don’t even know what for.

and I really don’t know what I’m trying to get out of this, maybe I just need to scream all this stuff into the void, maybe I’m just trying to say this stuff without receiving opinions and judgment (have stopped talking to my friends about it because everyone has an opinion and everyone has to say it. I don’t want an opinion, I just need a hug and someone who can listen).

anyway, sorry for the massive downer of a post….

JK

It’s very early days and you are grieving.

I suspect he talked the talk and told you what you wanted to hear to secure the termination. As soon as he did, he was off. Hopefully he will do a better contraception job in his next relationship.

Getting so attached in such a short relationship is worth investigating and I hope your therapy journey helps.

Oh, OP. I am so sorry. It's so horrendously unfair, isn't it? The sad fact is women have so much more to lose in dating/relationships, and unfortunately you've found this out the hard way. I hope you can find love and support from some other people while you grieve and process it all.

It's good you're going into therapy. I know you don't want opinions, but I'd recommend you consider 'slow dating' in future (check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy who often talks about it in her dating videos, and she runs a course). Basically, you give yourself plenty of time to really find out who someone is before sleeping with them (sex is extremely bonding for women in particular). You date, but you don't have sex. That in itself will root out the bad guys - you want to the one who is so into you and respects you enough to wait until you're sure this is someone you should love and trust.

This is NOT because it's wrong for women to have sex - morally speaking, women should be free to sleep with whoever they like whenever they like - but because many women (especially those with trauma in their past) have a tendency to emotionally attach to men they don't really know, and shouldn't be trusting from the get-go. It's a protection strategy, and an act of self-affirmation and self-care.

I know you feel horrendous, but perhaps it will help if you see this as a turning point in your life, one where you become your own best friend. Try to nurture yourself over the coming days, and maybe read some of the classic dating self-help books. They're full of good advice and you'll realise you're very much not alone in feeling the way you do.

Sending love and support - you will get through this x

I’m reading too. I’m much older than you are and have had some really shit times. You WILL get through this, love. You REALLY REALLY will. We’re all here. And we hear. We’re listening. We care. One day at a time. The sun will come out for you again. I promise

Another one to say here and listening.
It's shitty, but you are being so incredibly sensible in going for counselling. You are absolutely doing all of the right things and your decision was the right one for you.

If it'll help you, keep checking in here and let us know how you are?

A virtual hug from me. I promise, you will get through this. You will learn from this experience and it will make you a stronger person.

You have done the right thing by seeking therapy. To talk it through.

One word of advice I would give is to make sure you block him on everything. They have a habit of popping up to seek validation l. You need complete no contact so that you can heal. I know it is really hard to do but trust me, any contact from him will derail any progress.

Sending my love to you 🩵