Dealing with relentless texters

[Hellohellobyebye]

Any tips? Had two dates with a guy. Third one booked in. Already told him I don't love the constant texting some people need. He said that was fine, I shouldn't feel obligated to reply quickly.

But I do feel obligated. I've left it hours before responding but actually I don't want contact every day. I've only spent six hours of my life with this person. I don't know him. Texting isn't really getting to know someone. It's meaningless but taking up too much headspace.

I say things like - I'm busy have a good night. But he'll still text later. Do I just ignore? Call the whole thing off as we're incompatible?! Say - please don't text me?!

I've enjoyed our dates and looking forward to the next but dreading the constant feeling of being smothered by constant contact.

He is obviously a texter. Neither of us is right or wrong. He's obviously dead keen, getting dates booked in quickly. He's told me how much he likes my company, etc. Any tips on what to do appreciated!

Sounds like he does what he wants, and doesn’t take your wants into consideration.

I hate it too! I don’t have any advice unfortunately but I totally understand how annoying it is. It puts me off and I have definitely let potential relationships fall away as I can’t send the constant texting!

Yes you ignore until you want to reply. If you or he can't handle that then it's not a good match.

Just reply as to your preference for now and try to not let it bother you until you get together.
A relaxed, 'sorry frequent texting isn't my style, it doesn't mean I'm not interested, I just prefer face to face communication' would do for second date. He might naturally dial it down.
If he doesn't, but you're still interested, you could mention it's out of balance and ask if he'd be comfortable with a lower level of text contact or would that bother him?
After all you both have a natural tendency, he might not be fussed with an adjustment, but he might, it's polite to check in on that if he's not naturally recalibrating to your level.
If neither of you want to make tweaks it might put the brakes on the whole thing, but so be it, you are both who you are. If he's flexible he might be quite happy to keep texts to a minimum.

Nice to tell him what you would like though, not just shut down what he's doing...
Do like face to face, do like a phone call chat now and again or if something to share... That sort of thing.

How many texts is relentless from your point of view?

Does he text multiple times if you don't respond?

I think it's pretty normal to sort of check in with each other daily when you're starting to date - but sounds like you'd find that oppressive?

Yes daily check ins are oppressive for me. I understand some initial witty texting etc or saw this thing and thought it was funny /thought you might like it but the how's your day, what you up to stuff I can't bear. I have stuff to do, a busy job and friends messages that are more important for me to reply to.

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to have to say something (via text) when he inevitably texts tonight and / or in the morning because it's doing my head in...

But don't know how to word it nicely?! Back in the dating game after a long break.

What about a version of what @ArchetypalBusyMum said.

'Ive got a really busy day ahead and stuff to do this evening. Sorry, as I've mentioned before frequent texting isn't my style, it doesn't mean I'm not interested, I just prefer face to face. Really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday and I'm sure we'll chat before then to arrange meeting up.'

I'm a texter - I would struggle to date someone like you. Like you said, it's not right or wrong, just different preferences. You're probably not going to turn out compatible.

YANBU, I broke up with someone last year over this! Used to message me constantly all day and get pissy when I didn't reply for a while. Far too needy, don't you have anything else to do?? You're absolutely right, it was smothering.

I'd cut out the bit about being so busy and having better things to do 😂

Just say something like "Sorry, as I said, I'm not really into texting that much. I'll be in touch on [Friday/x-day] to check all OK for our date. Really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday."

Can I ask why you're a texter? What's the need for constant contact with someone you've met twice?

I see it as needy and insecurity but I must be wrong as so many people are like this. Would genuinely like to understand

Texting once a day doesn't count as frequent texting to me! So he's not necessarily ignoring what you said, he might just have interpreted it differently.

To be honest I wouldn't really like someone telling me how much to text, I'd much rather pick up on cues such as how often they text / reply to my messages.

It's very early days. Sometimes you need a bit of time to find the right level of communication that works. He may be texting a lot because he actually wants that level of communication, or he may be texting a lot because someone told him before that women like constant communication and he's second-guessing what you want...

So I would just not reply any more than is comfortable for me. I'm not a constant messager either, so I'd respond promptly to logistical arrangements, and if he asked an interesting question I'd probably respond whenever I had bandwidth - but if he's just texting "good morning" or "how are you" then I would freely ignore those.

Then at the next date I'd tell him irl that I'm not a big texter and actually don't like daily messages with no substance (I think this is best done face to face). Then the ball's in his court. Either he says he needs constant daily messages himself, in which case that's when I'd start thinking we were too incompatible. Or he tones it down a bit in which case we're all good, depending of course on his other qualities.

It's the good morning text, the good night text and stuff in between! Once a day I might be able to cope with. But fair point. So you think it'd be better if he texts me good morning tomorrow to ignore it all day and not reply at all rather than say something?

turn off read-recipients, turn-off delivered receipts and make yourself invisible on WhatsApp so they can't see when you're online. I also have do not disturb on.

OP, what age are you? If you don't mind me asking?.

I m 44 and a frequent texter, or at least I used to be, I ve dialled it down a lot as I notice other people are less and less into texting.

I think he just likes you a lot and you are in his thoughts. His job might have a lot more down time than yours, where he can idle on his phone a lot. Mine does...... I enjoy flirty texting.... It's a fun thing to do to fill the gaps in my day.

I m less into texting now, after being a pretty frequent texter for years. I don't think it's insecurity, I think it's just time filling, combined with him thinking about you in his idle moments.

I think if it really bugs you, then respond with, "day is going well thanks, looking forward to seeing you x day, speak with you then. Hope you don't mind but I m not a texter, we ll catch up properly when we see each other 👋👋🙂"... communicate your feelings to him.

yeh i think were in the generation when someone messaging becomes too needy like we date for fun not for constant messaging like i saw you this day dont talk to me this day is an ick obvs if your interested in him tell him u prefer talking when you see the person in real life n if he cant respect that then yeah your not compatible

Its a good question and I'll say first, probably not with someone I met twice!

I think it's a combination of phone addiction, being someone who prefers to express themselves in writing, and who enjoys messaging my partner, who also enjoys it. We have been together 11 years and still text frequently each day when apart. I am an anxious type, but not needy as such. I wouldn't have a problem if someone said they don't like texting lots, I would just know that wasn't what I was looking for so I would struggle to continue on that basis. I think that also comes from being in my forties now and I'm not interested in any relationship unless I'm enjoying it and it works for me.

I'm not sure that answers your question!?

Honestly I think you'd be better saying something like "I'll be in touch on such & such a day" (as long as you remember to 😁).

That way you're not feeling bad for ignoring him and it's not hanging over you, and he's not wondering what's going on and knows when he's going to hear from you.

If you just go silent, he might think you've ghosted and it's a bit rude.

I mean, if situations were reversed people would probably be saying "he can't be interested, how much effort does it take to message good morning back?!" 😂

@CreationNat1on I'm 42!

I know! It was reversed that would be the response. But I'd like to think I'd be the lone voice saying - but why would he respond to your text just saying hello? Maybe they aren't a texter? Theyve booked another date with you - they're clearly interested 🤣

I’m more of a texter, aged 44 and a classic introvert. It’s not that I don’t do well in person or that I don’t enjoy others’ company, but when I know someone less well it’s harder for me to relax in person and I can find new social interactions draining and stressful. And I hate the awkwardness of phone and face time calls! I’m more of a writer, like time to think about my responses and for me texting gives an opportunity to continue building an initial connection with someone in between dates (not instead of them though!). To me someone dropping a quick message as you’ve been describing is just an indication they are thinking about you which is quite nice really, and flattering if you choose to see it that way. Plus some men think this is what women would like for reassurance (I’d quite like it myself). Obviously if it’s constant hassling, multiple texts and bordering on harassment that’s a completely different issue! I think this seems like a difference in personalities, approach and needs. I assume you’d be willing to compromise a bit to adjust for someone else’s needs, as should he for you? If not then it might just be you’re not the right fit!

OP the last guy I dated, I ended up loving him to bits but he was surgically attached to his phone and messaged ALL THE TIME. You might need to state your boundaries a few times more.

I actually love text chat with everyone so he even annoyed someone who enjoys it!

General interest query - those who hate text chat, would you also hate being on the phone chatting for a couple of hours?

What would you chat about for a couple of hours? 😫

I'm definitely more of a texter. Call me at your peril. 😂

I think advice above is good. Make sure that your read receipts are off so that you're not leaving him on 'read' and reiterate that you're not a texter. Leaving messages unread reinforces your point that you're not on your phone much, rather than just not valuing him.

I agree that it's not a red flag at this stage, because I think that a large proportion of women would appreciate/expect some daily texting, so he is being socially appropriate and could be second guessing you, thinking you're trying to be low maintenance and cool. However if time goes on and he continues to push that boundary, it might be a dealbreaker.