Dealing with relentless texters

[Hellohellobyebye]

Any tips? Had two dates with a guy. Third one booked in. Already told him I don't love the constant texting some people need. He said that was fine, I shouldn't feel obligated to reply quickly.

But I do feel obligated. I've left it hours before responding but actually I don't want contact every day. I've only spent six hours of my life with this person. I don't know him. Texting isn't really getting to know someone. It's meaningless but taking up too much headspace.

I say things like - I'm busy have a good night. But he'll still text later. Do I just ignore? Call the whole thing off as we're incompatible?! Say - please don't text me?!

I've enjoyed our dates and looking forward to the next but dreading the constant feeling of being smothered by constant contact.

He is obviously a texter. Neither of us is right or wrong. He's obviously dead keen, getting dates booked in quickly. He's told me how much he likes my company, etc. Any tips on what to do appreciated!

I think texting constantly is the whole basis for building false intimacy and why people feel gutted if they are ghosted after a couple of dates.

I include myself, been there done that. Relationships built on texting are ephemeral.

@category12 Everything, I guess. Do you mean friends or boyfriends? Or both? i always like to set a call time though. Unexpected calls are a pain.

I don't have read receipts on WhatsApp (or work emails). I find that intrusive. But I only learned that leaving people "on read" was considered bad form from MN. Oddly my ex just apologised for that today, I told him not to worry, but you end up forgetting who is okay with what.

I prefer text to WhatsApp because it doesn't seem to have etiquette rules so much, I guess it's outdated now.

I haven't really done casual dating so I don't know how people handle it but I can see that the millions of ways you can keep in touch might complicate things.

Ditto. I love back and forth chatter. Communication is vital to me early in a relationship. Im
It’s same with friends though. We have several chat groups on the go all the time.

I would struggle to be with someone without keeping in touch all the time l. It’s not needy at all, im just a big communicator.

It's so interesting isn't it. People who describe themselves as 'big communicators'. What do you mean? Do you mean good communicators? Or just big (i.e frequent) texters?

I consider myself a good communicator. But I consider text a bad communication method for people who you don't know well. Definitely below f2f and phone calls.

Couldn't agree more.

I'd block and move on personally, you've made your feelings clear and hes choosing to ignore them. Clearly he's annoying you already, which isn't how it should be in the early stages.

Oh I couldn’t date you. I’m a big texter and to me if someone doesn’t reply or only texts once or twice a day when you are dating it shows they aren’t interested. You’re getting to know someone it isn’t a business transaction you should want to have a conversation with that person.

Would you really block someone after two dates with a third planned in? You'd just block with no explanation? That's so outrageously rude.

But I am interested. I've literally said this. And told him this. I've given the man two nights in a week and he's got my Saturday night this week.

Why do you think it shows someone isn't interested?
I am genuinely surprised people really believe pointless chit chat means you're getting to know someone. I agree on conversation though - but face to face surely.

@Hellohellobyebye well, after an explanation. I'd be cancelling the date if they were already overstepping boundaries and winding me up that badly this soon.

I’m not a big texter at all, in fact I resent people texting several times a day and hate it when it happens during work hours but, even so, I think there is an element of truth in the statement above.

If you are not interested in having a conversation a day with him why on Earth are you still dating him?

Having said that… these are the early red flags, you explain your boundaries and he chooses to ignore you. You are not compatible at best (he needs to communicate more and you need him at a distance), but you are both wasting your time if you continue dating each other.

Tactful and a fair expression of what you want to say.
Also agree with pp who said frequent texts can build false intimacy and usually don't genuinely build connection.
Just be you, be respectful that he is coming from a different angle but not doing anything wrong or unusual, so let him know what good communication looks and feels like to you and see what happens next...

@MeMySonAnd1 I guess because I've enjoyed the actual time we've spent together... But food for thought. Thank you

Gosh I message the OH all day.

Generation thing?

I don’t care for texting. I will do it but I prefer to chat on the phone. Texting is awkward for me and I only like to use it for quick convos

I'm like you OP, I hate texting and rarely check my phone - never, if I'm at work.

I'd switch phone to silent so you don't hear the notifications when you are doing other things. If you are checking your phone anyway, you can always send a quick reply or emoji. or just reply when you want to and tell him you often leave your phone switched off.

How old are you? Is it a generational thing? Also this guy isn't my OH. He's someone I've met twice!

ps what do you talk about?!

I’m 35- we send memes and jokes, whinge about colleagues and just generally say how our days are going. Sometimes practical things like « I’ll grab tea on the way home » or « have you walked the dog » etc.

Obv I’m exaggerating « all day » but if I hadn’t heard from him by my lunch break I would think he was having a super busy day! It wouldn’t be an issue though- I’m not a jealous or needy person and neither is he. I just love speaking to him!

@Hellohellobyebye my partner is a relentless texter.... I probably answer one in five that he sends me. I don't care if he thinks I am being rude (he is used to it now) but I see texts as a request rather than a demand.

I will say it's an overall pattern though as he is fairly needy. (I love him to bits mind you)

That’s how I would feel.

I don’t think from what you’ve said he’s doing anything wrong or ignoring boundaries. If he’s someone he’s a big texter, he probably thinks a couple of messages a day is very low volume and thinks he’s actually compromising.

We are all different but personally I love chattering between dates, messages and phone calls. I would see not keeping up contact as low effort but think you need to talk on this as you’ve just got very different ideas about levels of contact. I’m definitely not needy, I enjoy the back and forth and I’ve always had same level of contact back.

It may be it’s a deal breaker or there can be a compromise.

I hate constant texting so would probably bin him off. Especially if he couldn't interpret that "have a good night" means "please leave me alone until at least lunchtime tomorrow, ideally longer if you are going to say good morning/how was your evening/how's your day going/what's for lunch....etc.etc."

I do completely agree with the false intimacy comment made by @Coolstorysis. That said, I also read some of your replies (OP) as indicating that you think that people who text a lot are a bit inferior or that it is somehow superior to prefer not to text. There is no right or wrong on texting preferences (as you have said), but your responses at times (and I know - words on a screen can be hard to interpret - ironic really given the subject matter) belies that.

If you do decide to say something about the texting, I'd try and word it slightly friendlier than you have some of your responses on here (if you do want to see him again).

My husband sent me a meme yesterday about texting v phone calls etc which suggested that it is a GenX v GenZ thing but I think the meme - while quite funny in the context of why he sent it to me - has it wrong in suggesting that it is mainly a younger person on GenZ thing - interesting that a few responses on here have suggested it is age related.