I think my dad is dead.

[Ohthatsfabulousdarling]

I'm sorry, I'm not sure why I'm posting, we don't have a relationship. He's been awful to me. He was never a father, but as I've been an adult he's expected me to care for him, and I did until it became clear that I was being taken advantage of.
He spent my childhood as an alcoholic, and gained sobriety, which I think made me think of him more as a person who struggled than bad. Until it became obvious he had been using heroin, and had invited his using friends into the home I share with my children repeatedly.
The odd passing out, the borrowing money, that doubled when his friends were around, his own items going missing from his home, him running out of medication, regular illnesses, turning up at my house in withdrawal all made sense.
He even left hospital, got drugs, overdosed in the toilet and they almost couldn't revive him... but he blamed it on the way that his medication was coming out of his system.

So much more, but I don't want to spend hours going into the relationship with him, because no one with any respect for themselves would have stuck around for so long, taking him shopping, helping to care for him, and generally being there for someone who isn't nice, and only takes.

Any time he could have expressed love to me, he chose not to.
He gave me two birthday cards in my entire life, one of which was purchased by my husband and taken to him- when my father said "what am I supposed to fucking sign it with?"
My birthday is one day I wouldn't hear from him, but the next day, I'd get calls about taking him somewhere, or helping him.

I just had to disengage when he started telling social services I would take over all of his care, and he was actively trying to get social services to support him moving to a supported living place that's behind the house opposite me, because I was going to go to him in the middle of the night if he needed. He wouldn't need to spend any of his money on carers because I would do it all.

At the time I had 2 children including a very young baby. I wasn't in a position to provide that sort of help, or put my children into situations that ye would open up our lives to.

So I broke free 13 months ago. I feel that my efforts need to go into myself, maintaining my own mental and physical health, and providing a good start in life to my children.

I've been called in several patches by the people who are alerted if he has a fall (or one of the weird passing outs he was having that turned out to be linked to his drug use)

I have asked repeatedly that they stop calling me, but it's persisted.
Social serviced called me last week, I explained that I couldn't have any involvement.
Hospital has called me 17 times in the past two weeks.

The final call today makes me think he might have passed away, because the nurse- who was lovely (usually they're not so nice, because I think what they hear is a cold daughter saying, I don't care, please stop calling me. They aren't hearing that the man ruined my childhood, took advantage throughout my adulthood and has let heroin addicts into the home I have created for my children. Not giving me any protection as a child I can excuse, but taking that away from my children when I have worked so hard to not give them a childhood like I've had...
And then he's expecting my help. It's just too much)

The nurse was asking that I could pass on any number, or any contact detail at all for any friends, or family, or anyone at all that would want to know about him.

I'm assuming the inability to get those details from him are a sign that he's probably not here anymore.

But his mum died when he was 12, his dad has had nothing to do with him since he was about 17, he isn't in contact with his sister, or step sister, or brother. Hasn't been in years and years. He broke away from all of the services years ago, and is only in contact with people who were in active alcohol or opiate addiction. Whilst I never knew the extent of their use- I'd always assumed they were mostly sober, I was never close enough to have their phone numbers or addresses.

I've spent so much time going into why I'm not terrible to have no relationship with him, its almost like I'm defensive against myself, because it shouldn't be this way. No one should be in a situation where the staff at the hospital can't find anyone who cares about you enough to know that you're ill, or even potentially dead. Fuck me. That's sad.

I can't enmesh myself in any of that though. All I'll be doing is further hurting myself.

I don't know why I've written this. I'm probably in for a kick in.

I really feel for you, not having a dad who was worthy of you. Yes you can look at it that he had a sad life but then he damaged yours, too, and potentially your children's. A lot of people have a hard background and don't turn out horrible.

Try to be kind to yourself and know your children are so lucky to have you in their lives.

Was it definitely a nurse? If he had died it is more likely that bereavement services would contact you if you were listed as next of kin. It might be worth contacting PALS at the hospital and explaining that you are not in contact with your father, and don't wish to be. They can potentially then stop you from getting further contact, if he is alive and possibly also if he dies.

But also echo what the previous poster said, just be kind to yourself and you don't owe anyone an explanation.

My heart goes out to you. 💐I went through something similar with my dad. Although when he was in really dire need I did take some responsibility for him, I so often hoped that he would die to put an end to all the suffering (his as well as mine). Only people with a parent like that would understand. I used to constantly judge myself from an outsider’s perspective and feel so bad that I couldn’t be a good daughter, all the while knowing that it was not possible.

Be prepared for grief. You might feel relief for a while, but allow grief to creep up and surprise you. It’s the loss of happy memories and the loss of what might have been (but never could). My grief was something else I used to judge as an outsider looking in. I think many people could not understand it or wondered if I had exaggerated what my dad was like.

Be prepared for grief and just accept it and take care of yourself.

My heart goes out to you OP. I think you just need to do what is best for you and you family. Your father isn’t someone that you ( or anyone) can have a healthy relationship with, so please don’t blame yourself.

I also hope some of the more judgemental health care workers would read this and understand why people might not want to have anything to do with this type of person.

Wouldn’t they have informed you if he had died?

You and your father both seem to have had really difficult childhoods.

You should congratulate yourself that you have broken that cycle and are protecting your children and giving them a better life than you and your father had.

No kicking here. My mother died (unexpectedly) estranged from all her children and while the admin was done by us, none were at her funeral. Some years on the only sadness I feel is for the relationship it should have been.

If he is dead, there is nothing you can do for him, if he is end of life he is still not your responsibility and don't get sucked back in. Please try to concentrate on yourself, your children and the life you've made. Overcoming piss poor parenting is an achievement

No judgement here. I just hope you find peace whatever the situation.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic who created a horrible childhood for me, and eventually died in a somewhat interesting way. I remember saying to a policeman at the time "she just does this" because there had been plenty of other times I'd thought she was dead. I didn't grieve - I'd already grieved for the loss of a mother - but I did feel massive relief. Still terrified of the phone though, years of those calls leaves a mark.

It must have taken a lot of courage and strength to walk away and I’m very glad for your sake and for your children’s sake you did. I hope if he has passed that that doesn’t disturb any peace you’ve gained from cutting contact and I hope you don’t feel any guilt. It sounds like you have and gave and gave but everyone has their limits.

Please don't beat yourself up OP. You have made the choices you have made to protect yourself and your DCs. Be kind to yourself and ignore the phonecalls x

Yep alcoholic parents here, they sobered up in their 60's. My childhood was not nice, I was neglected and emotionally abused. I was not cared for as a vulnerable child and yet my parents especially my mum thought I owed them, to care for them while vulnerable, elderly and frail! My mum died recently, I hadn't spoken to her for 10 months, I just feel relief that it is over, no tears, no sadness, no regrets no guilt. I will not be attending the funeral. You don't owe your father a thing. He is now social services responsibility.

OP Look after yourself and your children. Your father made his choices in life. If he has died well maybe he is at peace, if he hasn't don't get dragged back into his mess. The only responsibility you have here is to yourself and your children,

Write down all your thoughts and feelings about him, take as long as you need, then burn it in an old saucepan in the garden and let it all go with the smoke.

I'm so sorry

As @Betteroutdoors says, the hospital will have a bereavement team and they are generally really helpful to the family. You could ring tomorrow and make contact with them, explain that you don't want to see him but you do want to know if/when he passes for your own peace of mind. Take care, losing a parent is a very strange experience, and grief can hit you at odd times.

My dad didnt care either... nor my mum. dad died , i organized funeral...i did that in memory for my paternal grandparents because they were amazing, tg they were lovely when alive. My mum im nc with...i have made my own peace when she dies. Ive been through so much mental anguish and hurt and being mistreated, i had had enough. I do not blame you one bit...i understand xx

OP, I have just been through exactly the same situation caused by different reasons. DF died two weeks ago and I am feeling exactly the same. DH phoned the nurse back for me and they confirmed he’d passed. It may not be the case for you - I had similar and they wanted details for power of attorney/court of protection so be prepared for him to still be here too. I am feeling just the same as you when I talk to people because they know I didn’t see my dad for two years before he died. They only saw the broken man with Alzheimer’s at the end, not the years of abuse. I’m seeing a counsellor at the moment. She reminded me that anyone else’s opinion is just that - an uninformed guess - and also that these people see all kinds of families and are used to difficult relationships, so they’re probably not as shocked as you think. I have to speak to the funeral director tomorrow and I’m dreading it. You’re not a bad daughter. You did what you had to do to protect your family. If anyone knew the truth they would tell you you’d done the right thing. I have very mixed feelings but mainly relief. Solidarity and flowers 💐

Really sorry for what you've been through OP.

No kicking from me whatsoever, I hope you find whatever peace/resolution you need.

My only advice is to think about getting help for yourself: either something like alanon or a therapist who has lots of experience in the families of addicts.

You did the right thing, you needed to protect your children. And yourself. He brought heroin users into your kids' home.

I'm sure if he has died you will have conflicting emotions and a lot to process, but you did right.

Just another adding their voice to say I understand.

I've been there, with the calls from SS, carers, and had the judgemental looks and conversations from nurses etc.
I learned (after far too long really) to accept that people who have never had all that neglect and dysfunction and mess in their upbringing, will never really understand the dynamic. They see the 'patient', the frail elderly person.
But they don't see the child that you were.

Anyway, I've learned to disassociate, and keep the stock phrases on repeat- 'I can't help'.

My parent isn't dead, but they are in a nursing home, and finally in a state that means they can never leave. They no longer know or remember who they (or I) are.

I just feel relief. For them, but mainly for me. My grieving for them was done long, long ago.

Wishing you well

I’m so sorry, you deserved better.

@Ohthatsfabulousdarling I've name changed for this.

My father was also an alcoholic turned 'junkie' - he lived off Tennents Super, Mars Bar ice cream, and either heroin or methadone.

He let me down consistently from childhood, and in my late teens he starting sharing opinions that were so poisonous I went no contact with him.

He died in 2010 (when I was 30) - I hadn't seen him for 11 years.

Just to say, I know this feeling of losing a parent that you never had, and my thoughts are with you.

He may be 'fine' he may be dead, and either way, he was a shitty parent and you deserved much better.

You don't need a kicking OP. You've been through enough.

It may be that your father is getting close to death if he hasn't passed already. Could be that the hospital are looking for anyone who would want to say last goodbyes. Either way, not your problem and I'm sorry they've kept calling you despite your requests not to be contacted.

Be kind to yourself. Hopefully it's helped you to write this down and get it out. 💐

You won't get a kick from me. He wasn't a father to you and didn't deserve your care.

“The nurse was asking that I could pass on any number, or any contact detail at all for any friends, or family, or anyone at all that would want to know about him.”

I think at this point they would have told you if he had died as you are currently the primary point of contact. I wonder if they could be updating their records. Maybe he’s being belligerent and saying you’re his next of kin, flesh and blood and all that, so he won’t provide anyone else’s details and they’re contacting you for that information based on the fact you’ve told them you don’t want anything to do with him.

If you really want nothing further to do with him then give them all the contacts for him you have – they’ll probably stop contacting you after that.

It may be that they are desperate to get him out of hospital but can’t arrange care and so are looking for someone anyone to step in to free up the bed. So may not be the case that he has died. In any case you’re right to protect yourself and your family and I doubt anyone with an ounce of sense would judge you for it.