I think my dad is dead.

[Ohthatsfabulousdarling]

I'm sorry, I'm not sure why I'm posting, we don't have a relationship. He's been awful to me. He was never a father, but as I've been an adult he's expected me to care for him, and I did until it became clear that I was being taken advantage of.
He spent my childhood as an alcoholic, and gained sobriety, which I think made me think of him more as a person who struggled than bad. Until it became obvious he had been using heroin, and had invited his using friends into the home I share with my children repeatedly.
The odd passing out, the borrowing money, that doubled when his friends were around, his own items going missing from his home, him running out of medication, regular illnesses, turning up at my house in withdrawal all made sense.
He even left hospital, got drugs, overdosed in the toilet and they almost couldn't revive him... but he blamed it on the way that his medication was coming out of his system.

So much more, but I don't want to spend hours going into the relationship with him, because no one with any respect for themselves would have stuck around for so long, taking him shopping, helping to care for him, and generally being there for someone who isn't nice, and only takes.

Any time he could have expressed love to me, he chose not to.
He gave me two birthday cards in my entire life, one of which was purchased by my husband and taken to him- when my father said "what am I supposed to fucking sign it with?"
My birthday is one day I wouldn't hear from him, but the next day, I'd get calls about taking him somewhere, or helping him.

I just had to disengage when he started telling social services I would take over all of his care, and he was actively trying to get social services to support him moving to a supported living place that's behind the house opposite me, because I was going to go to him in the middle of the night if he needed. He wouldn't need to spend any of his money on carers because I would do it all.

At the time I had 2 children including a very young baby. I wasn't in a position to provide that sort of help, or put my children into situations that ye would open up our lives to.

So I broke free 13 months ago. I feel that my efforts need to go into myself, maintaining my own mental and physical health, and providing a good start in life to my children.

I've been called in several patches by the people who are alerted if he has a fall (or one of the weird passing outs he was having that turned out to be linked to his drug use)

I have asked repeatedly that they stop calling me, but it's persisted.
Social serviced called me last week, I explained that I couldn't have any involvement.
Hospital has called me 17 times in the past two weeks.

The final call today makes me think he might have passed away, because the nurse- who was lovely (usually they're not so nice, because I think what they hear is a cold daughter saying, I don't care, please stop calling me. They aren't hearing that the man ruined my childhood, took advantage throughout my adulthood and has let heroin addicts into the home I have created for my children. Not giving me any protection as a child I can excuse, but taking that away from my children when I have worked so hard to not give them a childhood like I've had...
And then he's expecting my help. It's just too much)

The nurse was asking that I could pass on any number, or any contact detail at all for any friends, or family, or anyone at all that would want to know about him.

I'm assuming the inability to get those details from him are a sign that he's probably not here anymore.

But his mum died when he was 12, his dad has had nothing to do with him since he was about 17, he isn't in contact with his sister, or step sister, or brother. Hasn't been in years and years. He broke away from all of the services years ago, and is only in contact with people who were in active alcohol or opiate addiction. Whilst I never knew the extent of their use- I'd always assumed they were mostly sober, I was never close enough to have their phone numbers or addresses.

I've spent so much time going into why I'm not terrible to have no relationship with him, its almost like I'm defensive against myself, because it shouldn't be this way. No one should be in a situation where the staff at the hospital can't find anyone who cares about you enough to know that you're ill, or even potentially dead. Fuck me. That's sad.

I can't enmesh myself in any of that though. All I'll be doing is further hurting myself.

I don't know why I've written this. I'm probably in for a kick in.

Often these patterns of behaviour continue in families - how brilliant are you to have broken the cycle for your own children. He might have been a terrible father but you are clearly a great mum and prioritising your kids in a way he didn't. Don't beat yourself up for not continuing to support his behaviour you need your energy for yourself and your children.

You won't be getting a kicking here. You've done the right thing. He may have had a rough life, but has also had many years for reflection and bettering his behaviour, even if just his attitude towards you if nothing else, which he has obviously done nothing with. There's no excuse for how he's treated you over your life time.

I'm estranged from my dad and haven't seen him in 6 years or so. If I had a penny for every person that said the words "but he's still your dad" and "you'll regret not having had a relationship with him when he's dead". Sorry but relationships are two sided and just being genetically related to you doesn't entitle your dad to your unconditional love and caring. Being family requires more than that and he was never family to you, nor did he give you love or a safe place.
People saying these sorts of phrases might mean well but don't understand.

That being sad, you may still feel unexpectedly overwhelmed with grief when it happens. This is OK and it's important to remember you did everything you could.
Don't beat yourself up OP. You're very brave for everything you've gone through and for protecting your boundaries and your children. I wish you all the best.

No kicking from me either.

I hope you find a wee bit of peace. And know it is ok to feel however you feel whatever transpires. 🌻

OP just to reassure you - I was a nurse on an older people’s ward for many years. If any members of staff commented about patients having family who didn’t visit, many of us would respond to say ‘You don’t know what their relationship was like’. Yes it made discharge more complex sometimes but we had ways of sorting it.
I'm sorry this is so difficult for you.

Wow, thank you everyone, I'm bowled over with all of these kind responses. I've had so many people who have not understood our relationship, both in a personal sort of way, and also professional sense, and it's really reinforced the feeling that I'm not doing what I should be, but I've spent much of this evening taking in my children, and just thinking about how I need to maybe push these guilty feelings away and concentrate on this being the best decision with their interests in mind. As one of you have said, no one can have a functional relationship with him. I've also reminded myself that I do hi e to people, so it's not a case of me being inherently uncaring. I have taken on a lot of care for my PILs over the past few years, because they have always been lovely grandparents to the children.

My childhood has left me quite unwell, so It's my number one priority to bring my children up with a completely different outlook, that will (hopefully!) lead to them having a better self esteem, stronger boundaries and overall better mental and physical health, so even the fact he was close enough to us to have had the same exposures that they have comes with some guilt in itself.

The lady on the phone said that she was from a certain ward, which made me think nurse, but it was the wording that she used when she said anyone who would want to know about him. She was really going through every option of people.. even who may have even worked in the rehab he was in 20 odd years ago.
She had a very different attitude to everyone else I've spoken with. She was understanding but also quite determined to find someone, anyone to contact.
I wish that I had contact details of anyone so they had the choice of being involved or not.

I can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't give a phone number of someone else over if he was in a position to do so.

I don't doubt that he would be the type to say, call my daughter. Call her!

I'm sorry that so many of you here have been in a similar position. Its rubbish that we didn't get the loving parents we really deserved, but
Then we're expected to love them when they're vulnerable.

I think I will also take the advice to contact PALs and see if they can remove me from his list of contacts as its actually making me want to avoid answering calls from the hospital, and I'm awaiting test results- I am lucky enough to be pregnant with #3, and things are quite high risk, so dodging hospital phone calls isn't a particularly smart thing for me to be considering.

Thank you all so much.

I just had a wobble this afternoon, everyone's kindness has really helped me. X

Gosh OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through now and what you endured as a child and teenager.

I really think you've done your very best in the circumstances and have come out stronger.

I think It's now unfortunately the time to finally move on, whatever that entails, and start to live the life you very much deserve.

Hi OP, I could read and not comment.

Mt upbringing was hard work too, my dad was a functioning alcoholic and whilst mostly sober for since about 1990 he will always be an alcoholic.

His behaviour had and still has a profound impact on my life and ability to form relationships.

We have a relationship these days, and for the most it is good. But my mother was warned when dd was born that I'd he ever displayed any of the toxic narcissistic bullying I was subjected to towards my dd that would be the last either if then would see of us.

You owe that man nothing. You have gone above and beyond what would be reasonably expected and you should be proud that you have become the kind of person who was able to do that.

Ignore people who frown upon your decision, they have not lived your life so are in no position to judge.

But be kind to yourself, he may not have been "dad" material but he was your father and I suspect when you least expect it the grief will hit you like a bullet train. When it does, allow yourself to grieve, both for the man who died and for the man he should have been.

A new baby ! Congratulations, i hope all goes well and you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year💛

Sending much love. You've done so well to break the cycle. Many will unfortunately understand what you are going through and have been through with a dysfunctional parent.

Congratulations on your family's impending new arrival.

I'm sorry for what you're going through now and for what you endured in your childhood.

As a nurse, I've learnt never to judge a situation as you don't know the paths people walk and you see so much, experience teaches you not to judge.

You can phone up the ward and explain that you wish to removed from next of kin details - you don't need to give the reason why and they will update their information. Also, you can ask information be passed on to your DH if you want to know about your father health etc.

Take care and good luck.

Hi @Ohthatsfabulousdarling… You were put between a rock and a hard place by this man all your life. I am also the adult daughter of abusive parents. I really think you should try and find a therapist who specialises in C-PTSD. In the meantime, check out The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. A bit American, but bite-sized videos about growing up with and away from abusive parents. You will relate to some of her videos, and skip the ones you don’t relate to.

I just wanted to pop on here and say that if the contact came from a specific ward then it is likely he is still alive, although he may be end of life. However that does not make it your problem. And I just wanted to say that with the professional head of someone who has had senior level responsibility for hospitals and bed availability and knows both personally and professionally the current system pressures.

PALS should be able to help and please tell them that you are also a patient within the hospital and starting to avoid phone calls.

My nephew just lost his mum to alcoholism. His DF, my DB is also an alcoholic and my nephew himself is headed that way too, due to his upbringing. Well don't for breaking the cycle. I would make sure the hospital remove you as his next of kin. I'm not sure if this is the case but I would worry that it would mean you were liable for his funeral costs

Well done