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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cruel comment from husband

39 replies

GP2 · 11/12/2023 17:16

My teenage daughter has been upset recently about not having any friends, we've been working through this with her making good progress but DH came home and they had a fall out, he threw in a parting comment about her having a nerve to talk about social skills when she has no friends, it was so cruel and now she is back to square one. How do I move past this, I am so angry

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2023 17:17

I don't know.

That was an incredibly unkind thing to say. Is he always this spiteful?

TheCatterall · 11/12/2023 17:19

I have no words of advice @GP2 - I’m just shocked that a parent could say something so revolting and callous to purposefully upset and ‘win’ an argument with their own child.

Has he form for treating you/her/others like this? Have you told him how disgusting his comment was?

I wouldn’t be able to move past or forget this without a great deal of work from him.

GandalfTheWhite · 11/12/2023 17:21

Well what had she said to him for him to say "you have a nerve to talk about social skills"

Iheartmysmart · 11/12/2023 17:23

I had a dad like this when I was growing up. Little digs about how shy I was, how many spots I had, things like that. It massively impacted my self esteem and still does even though I’m in my fifties. Personally I’d tell him if he ever said anything like that to your daughter again he’d be straight out the door. He sounds vile.

Weefreetiffany · 11/12/2023 17:24

Oh wow, so she lacks self esteem and probably approval seeks in her relationships because her dad talks to her like a shitty peer instead of a safe parent?

sprigatito · 11/12/2023 17:25

My stepfather said that to me when I was 13. I'm 46 now, I'll never forget it or how it made me feel.

Has he at least had the decency to apologise?

TheBeesKnee · 11/12/2023 17:25

Is he her bio dad?

Does he do things like this often?

User13579367337 · 11/12/2023 17:25

Your oh is a dick and there’s no excuse for a parent to say something like that to an anxious child, but I’m also kind of interested in what she said first. He should definitely apologise at the very least

presentadvice · 11/12/2023 17:27

GandalfTheWhite · 11/12/2023 17:21

Well what had she said to him for him to say "you have a nerve to talk about social skills"

Oh for goodness sake, she is a child! A struggling child at that!

A parent should behave like one. Instead he said something to deliberately cut her and destroy her confidence.

I’m so sorry OP. Spiteful, point scoring like that is unforgivable.

Your daughter needs you totally have her back and absolutely condemn what her Dad said. It reflects his character, not hers.

Original poster
GP2 · 11/12/2023 17:27

You are all right, hard to read the comments though. He does need to win an argument. He is devastated and trying very hard but I can’t look at him, I’ve told him I don’t think I can forgive and my dd can’t

OP posts:
Original poster
GP2 · 11/12/2023 17:45

@GandalfTheWhite she had been challenging him on his behaviour and did not deserve this
@presentadvice she knows u gave her back, we’ve spent a lot of time discussing this. I need to be careful though as if we split now she’ll blame herself, I need to watch that this doesn’t happen

OP posts:
category12 · 11/12/2023 17:48

He is devastated

No, he's realised he's gone too far and he's turning on the "woe is me" bullshit.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 17:49

she had been challenging him on his behaviour

What kind of behaviour?

Weefreetiffany · 11/12/2023 17:49

I’m sorry if my comment was a bit on the nose, but it’s probably a lifetime of comments like that and dealing with a parent who needs to win at the cost of his child’s feelings that is the basis for the social struggles she’s having now. The best thing you can do for her is get her into therapy to examine her relationship with her dad. My mum thought she could shield me from my bullying emotionally abusive dad. She couldn’t, because children think their parents are infallible, and so condemn themselves instead. Please help her with professional help so she can build some self esteem and then some boundaries and then be able to build friendships that aren’t centres around approval or being seen as “good enough”.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 11/12/2023 17:56

It's not ideal, but even when we are parents, we are still human & lash out sometimes. I remember a few yrs ago my daughter was being really bitchy towards me & I said ' no wonder you don't keep friends for long'. Did I mean it in the moment? Absolutely, did I feel fucking awful afterwards? Absolutely. He needs to apologise for hurting her bit I don't think it's a break up a marriage situation.

Original poster
GP2 · 11/12/2023 17:59

@Aquamarine1029 totally not minimising it was initially only over whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher, I take the point though
@Weefreetiffany I needed this, I’ve been putting up too long

OP posts:
bananablues · 11/12/2023 18:01

I had, and still have, a dad who talks to me like I am a second class citizen. Deep down he is very sexist (traditional is his viewpoint) and thinks women are all inferior, apart from the ones would have had children. I challenged him once (as an adult), he absolutely claimed he was not rude or sexist, how dare I suggest this and then did not talk to me for a year, and only then was to tell me my grandfather had died 5 days beforehand.

Just make sure you have your DD back so she knows someone is in her corner and maybe ask your DH to wind in the alpha male act unless he wants his DD to start keeping him at arms length.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 18:17

This is never just about the current crisis.

What is he normally like?

zurala · 11/12/2023 18:21

I grew up with a dad like this. I wish my mum had left him so I could have avoided him at least some of the time. I have a very poor relationship with him now and protect my own children from him. I have no self esteem because of him.
It's abuse.

Annasoror · 11/12/2023 18:25

My Mum was like this and if my Dad had stood up for me it would have meant the world. Your daughter will remember both that he said it and that you were furious with him.
He should be devastated. It was incredibly cruel. That being said I wouldn't make it his last chance, unless there's a big backstory of this kind of behaviour.

PiIIock · 11/12/2023 18:38

This can be fixed (mostly) if he apologises:

Im sorry dd.^ I used your insecurity against you in anger.^ You're a lovely, kind funny girl and this is not a reaction on you.^ I promise I won't lose my temper and throw thing back in your face again.^

He needs to let her know this is a him problem and not a reflection of her. That's a nasty thing to say to someone especially you dd who is self conscious of not having friends

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 18:42

Being unforgiving is a character flaw in itself. Was he in the wrong - yes but the fact that he can’t say something wrong and be forgiven is an interesting dynamic. In our house we have all at some point said something we shouldnt have. I don’t think I could be with someone who didnt believe in forgiveness.

my mother said something really awful to me when I was 15. I still remember what she said but I certainly forgave her. I can’t imagine my father and I walking away and saying she will never be forgiven over an awful comment made when angry.

Original poster
GP2 · 11/12/2023 18:49

Thank you all, you’ve really helped me focus in on what I’ve been putting up with, I've had a complicated childhood and I’m not going to do it my children. I’m going to have a very honest discussion when home, how he responds will tell me what I need to know

OP posts:
furtivetussling · 11/12/2023 18:52

WTF is it with people on MN who come on threads deliberately looking for ways to make the OP feel worse? And that includes you @saffronsoup

EarthSight · 11/12/2023 18:58

TheCatterall · 11/12/2023 17:19

I have no words of advice @GP2 - I’m just shocked that a parent could say something so revolting and callous to purposefully upset and ‘win’ an argument with their own child.

Has he form for treating you/her/others like this? Have you told him how disgusting his comment was?

I wouldn’t be able to move past or forget this without a great deal of work from him.

My father has said similar things for this purpose. Hence why we don't have a close relationship.