Cruel comment from husband

[GP2]

My teenage daughter has been upset recently about not having any friends, we've been working through this with her making good progress but DH came home and they had a fall out, he threw in a parting comment about her having a nerve to talk about social skills when she has no friends, it was so cruel and now she is back to square one. How do I move past this, I am so angry

How would it make OP feel worse? I was commenting on her comment that she won’t forgive. She is the one saying her stance is no forgiveness and I was commenting that two wrongs don’t make a right. Kids can learn that parents make mistakes too. It puts a lot of pressure on a teen to know if they say the wrong thing there is no forgiveness.

Like I said, I was in the same position as her daughter. I truly don’t think the best response from my father would have been to tell me we will never forgive her and that he was kicking my mom out / leaving her because of what she said.

I was raised with tough love so personally I get it but then again, this new era deals with trauma etc from such things so i guess he has to apologise.

Try getting your child into activities by the way(tennis/horse r, it's a good way to engage and socialise(not just staying at home and online etc.)

@saffronsoup m daughter is one of the kindest people I know, she forgives when it’s appropriate but right now she is still crushed

Yes I get that! I refused to go into the house for 24 hours after my mother was cruel and I didn’t speak to her for a week. BUT even though I was crushed in the moment I don’t think my dad saying he would never forgive her would have been helpful to me. Kicking my mother out or turning me against her wouldn’t have really been a good thing in the long run. She was still my mother even though she had been nasty. I think a never forgive stance is just too strong a stance to take for a nasty comment.

In the moment some parents can be dicks and say things they don't mean.
He needs to fucking grovel.
The best thing for her is to see that you can't accept this behaviour from anyone. But also if someone is truly sorry, we should give them a chance to make it right, especially when a parent actually admits they are in the wrong.
I think it would be VERY unwise to leave him over this, unless he has form for being abusive. The last thing you want is for your dd to feel she is at fault for a marriage breakdown.
There's a lot of room for improvement here, starting with him grovelling and actually admitting he was out of line and he is incredibly sorry for being so so nasty.
This is a good chance for him to do some 1 on 1 activities with your DD.
Reassure your dd, that her father is sorry and didn't mean it. Reassure her that she is more than capable making friends, but that sometimes it takes time ; many of us struggle even in our 20s/30s because everyone is different and we just need time to find 'our' kinda people.
Get him to invest some time into the things she likes to do. Does she like a particular type of music? Could he take her to a friendly festival where she could meet others into the same bands as her etc?
Or maybe a local activity such as running club or whatever teens do these days (I'm 36, in my teen years we were glued to MSN so I'm a bit out of touch😂)

All in all, yes this is devastating but you can come through this as a family. Your DD needs time to get over the crushed feeling and forgive in her own time. And make sure DH is there to reassure he is still her biggest champion, albeit a stupid one at times.
You'll get through this

People say stupid stuff. The question around apologising and forgiveness, etc, is whether this is a pattern with him or not.

I keep reading threads on here about relationship problems of all kinds, where in the OP a really ridiculously awful scenario is presented. But really, the drip feed reveals this is just the icing on the cake.

Hope that I'm just being factual rather than cruel here.

And if that is not the case, DH needs to have a conversation with DD where he sincerely apologises, makes it up to her and everyone moves on.

You told the OP that not being able to forgive is a character flaw.

No it isn't. Some people are able to forgive the diabolical, and others aren't. That doesn't make them flawed.

You are acting like many children aren't rude and intentionally disrespectful towards many adults.. He could be a struggling adult. Adults struggle too.. There are some absolutely cruel and insensitive children in this world who thrive off of finding weak spots, vulnerabilities, points of sensitivity and triggers to push in adults.

Adults are people with feelings, emotions, and breaking points as well. Everyone has their breaking points. A child shouldn't have a free " pass" to treat anyone like crap.. Vice versa. Children and some adults must learn that there can be terrible repercussions and consequences for that type of behavior, and that everyone isn't going to bypass it and put up with poor treatment.

Not saying this is the case with this op and situation.. just saying it is in many cases, and it isn't always the adult.
Don't automatically be dismissive of the adults side, and rush in defense of a child. Hear both sides.

We all say things and lash out sometimes and often don't mean it. Sometimes it is misdirected anger. No one has it "together" and composed all of the time.

No matter how much emotional control we have, sometimes it just automatically comes out. We can't take these things back, but we can try to do better.

Op, if you don't think that you can get past this, and won't look at him in the same light...it may be in the best interest for everyone involved to end things.

Did she get an apology out of him?

To update, yes, he has apologised and also taken everything I said onboard. He spent a long time last night and this morning with her listening to her. This is out his comfort zone and while things are not resolved between them and therefore us, there is a small step in the right direction.

Many of you hit the nail on the head, this is not the first time he has had to be right. I run around trying to manage impact, however have told him that this stops now. He has agreed to counselling and I feel stronger for taking charge of this. I do appreciate all of your views, it did really help me put things into a fact based reality

This is what people sometimes don't realise. Spiteful things said to children by their parents stay with them.

Im getting the impression that he’s not her Dad from your carefully worded replies…is that right? In which case I think it’s even more important to not let this kind of behaviour slide. She needs to know you have her back as he clearly doesn’t.

@Hermanfromguesswho he is her dad

I'm glad he apologised. My parents struggled with this. I make a point of apologizing because I'm not perfect and I sometimes get it wrong.