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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped - again!

45 replies

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 11:54

A few years back I got ghosted by my boyfriend of 3 years. I had a year of being single, met someone and we've been together for a year. This morning I got a text from him ending things with me, completely out of the blue.

Not sure why I'm writing on here but I'm not sure I can go through this again 😞

OP posts:
Maze76 · 11/12/2023 12:04

@daisydolle So sorry - just know that when people ghost , distance themselves or treat you so disrespectfully, it’s 100% their character flaw and is no reflection on you.
How cowardly, to send a text, not even having the decency to end things maturely- you have dodged a bullet.

mumda · 11/12/2023 12:07

He didn't want to buy you a Christmas present?

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 12:08

It's a big birthday of mine very soon and we had plans. Now everyone else is busy - what a way to celebrate, on your own!

OP posts:
SignoraItaliana · 11/12/2023 12:19

Ending a relationship by text is a shit way to behave.

Do something lovely for yourself on your birthday and maybe arrange to have get together with friends to celebrate after Christmas.

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 12:27

I think I'm just in shock as there wasn't a single clue from him. Even last night we were texting like normal. I just can't get my head round it!

OP posts:
Bloodyel · 11/12/2023 12:47

You don't deserve it but I would wonder if the sort of man you're going for is a bit dodgy in some way, did you not get any weird gut feeling with either of them at any point?

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 11/12/2023 12:51

Bloodyel · 11/12/2023 12:47

You don't deserve it but I would wonder if the sort of man you're going for is a bit dodgy in some way, did you not get any weird gut feeling with either of them at any point?

Victim blaming much? I'm sure she wouldn't have gone there if she did get any 'weird gut feeling'

Bloodyel · 11/12/2023 12:55

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 11/12/2023 12:51

Victim blaming much? I'm sure she wouldn't have gone there if she did get any 'weird gut feeling'

Show quote history

My first few words were literally absolving the OP of blame? Also, it is fine to question the sort of man you go for if they tend to be knobs. A lot of women choose the same sort again and again and wonder why they're all wanktards.

GoodnightJude1 · 11/12/2023 12:59

I’ve been there…it hurts like hell but try and console yourself with the fact that you won’t be wasting your time with someone that thinks it’s ok to treat people like that.
It’s cruel and childish.

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 13:03

@Bloodyel The ex of 3 years, although I didn't see it coming, I wasn't surprised at the the way he ended things as he refused to communicate properly the entire relationship.

This recent ex, no there was never any kind of clue he was going to do this. Being dumped by text is brutal!

OP posts:
Bloodyel · 11/12/2023 13:10

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 13:03

@Bloodyel The ex of 3 years, although I didn't see it coming, I wasn't surprised at the the way he ended things as he refused to communicate properly the entire relationship.

This recent ex, no there was never any kind of clue he was going to do this. Being dumped by text is brutal!

That's awful. Although it is sadly quite common these days and no reflection on you. You should treat yourself to something special for your birthday. Remember if they've behaved in this way they aren't worthy of your time. If he happens to start messaging you again you need to pay him no mind, personally I would make it clear how unacceptable it's been.

taylorswift1989 · 11/12/2023 13:20

Wow, that is awful. Have you responded to his text? If not, don't. Leave him hanging, wondering what you are thinking. He sounds like a massive coward and doesn't deserve to see your hurt and upset.

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 13:28

@taylorswift1989 I rang him and we spoke. He did give me a reason although that issue has been there from day 1 - lack of time on his part.

OP posts:
Therealweld · 11/12/2023 13:31

I notice you said "dumped" as if you are rubbish.
There may not have been any thought behind it, but start thinking about it.
They are the ones who have been rubbish by the sound of it.

This sort of thing would affect most peoples confidence, start to set the bar higher.
Invest in yourself for a while.
Give yourself time, money, energy to work this out and process what has happened.

Did you ignore any signs, have intuition?
You said the three year guy was always crap at communicating.
That's a long time to put up with dissatisfying communication.
Is that ok for you?
Why not?
What could you do next time?
When were the signs, what parts of self did you let go of/neglect in preference of the relationship?

This is the type of thing a coach or therapist can work through with you.

Learn to look after yourself, heart and soul.

Look at the site baggage reclaim.
She's good!
And you're in good company OP.
Lots of us been here, worked and working through similar issues.

taylorswift1989 · 11/12/2023 13:32

Well he made himself clear, then. He doesn't have time for you.

Don't have any more contact with him. Seek out friends or family to spend your birthday with - I'm sure someone will be free, especially if you let them know what's happened. Plan a lovely treat for yourself, be indulgent and show yourself the love and care you deserve. Let your friends support you.

He wasn't the one and at least you know that for sure now.

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 13:58

@Therealweld Thank you for your post. In complete shock at the minute!

OP posts:
Blubbled · 11/12/2023 14:31

@daisydolle But he willingly made plans to do something just the 2 of you on your birthday? Now he suddenly hasn't got time for you at all? And only tells you this once it's too late for you to make plans with friends for your birthday? Oh no OP, he's not nearly as nice as he's amde himself out to be! Some people have a cruel streak, but can hide it for quite a long time, usually until they have you dependant and think you'll let them get away with anything! I'm really sorry he's ruined your birthday, but look at it this way- you've found out he can be at least incredibly inconsiderate, at worst, cruel and vindictive, BEFORE you married him, or had children with him! So, look on it as a lucky escape, because you're young, you're not tied to him and you can spend some time boosting your own confidence and self-worth now, on loving yourself, and not be having some bloke playing fast and loose with your feelings!
Block him, delete and go No Contact, because if you don't I suspect he'll come sniffing round you again, to reel you back in and then start his spiteful games with you again! You don't need that, do you?

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 14:51

@Blubbled Time has always been an issue for him (for legitimate reasons) but it's never really bothered me as didn't feel the need to be in his pocket. I should have listened to him a year ago when he said he struggles to maintain relationships due to it.

OP posts:
ondaytwothousand · 11/12/2023 15:59

Ghosting is not ok and definitely not your fault, as is finishing something by text.

I have friends who feel they get 'dumped' but in every single case they are in shit/mediocre relationships that they should have walked away from. I'm not saying this is you OP, but maybe think about how good it was/how engaged he was with you - are you waiting in relationships until they are dead in the water - and letting the other person pull the plug?

I hope that doesn't come across as victim blaming - as certainly not where I'm going with this, just sharing my experience of habitual 'dumpees'. Not that two makes it habitual in your case!

FatLarrysBanned · 11/12/2023 16:36

Oh OP I feel your pain. Getting dumped at any age is heartbreaking, especially when you don't see it coming. It's all very raw at the moment, be especially kind to yourself, wallow for a bit, play sad songs for a couple of days, think about archiving any chats and hiding folders with photos until you feel strong enough to delete them, don't drink it'll just make you more sad, watch some Pride and Prejudice/Vicar of Dibley or whatever floats your boat, treat yourself to some nice picky bits for the fridge if you've lost your appetite. Distraction is key at this early stage.

Read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" if you can. A bit American, but it got me through a particularly brutal dumping after one year togwther which hurt me more than the end of my 16 year marriage 💐

TheAverageJoanne · 11/12/2023 16:58

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 11/12/2023 12:51

Victim blaming much? I'm sure she wouldn't have gone there if she did get any 'weird gut feeling'

Show quote history

Oh stop causing trouble. Many of us only spot things with hindsight. Nobody is blaming the OP.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 17:40

I think this is really bad luck. I had a boyfriend of 18 months once who dumped me by phone then hung up on me. Things had not been going well though and I assumed a conversation would take place after spending all that time together. It's so disrespectful. And ghosting is worse. Are you saying your bf of 3 years disappeared and you never communicated at all about it?

You've dodged a couple of bullets but got wounded in the process. You live and learn; I look back and see the signs so that I can run away next time. Ghosters are always a bit distant with me, or too intense. Those who don't communicate at the end of a relationship lacked respect during it - the guy who dumped me on the phone, for example, wasn't concerned when I cried during an argument.

Hopefully next time you'll be lucky to meet someone with more integrity.

coolcahuna · 11/12/2023 18:59

It's horrible. Been there and after 2 years. It's really low to end via text and it's the shock of that almost worse than the break up.
Took me a few weeks and it completely overshadowed any good times we had which is a shame.

Original poster
daisydolle · 11/12/2023 20:31

@Firefly2009 I did try and get in contact with him after but he ignored all attempts!

@coolcahuna Thank you. The shock is dreadful. No signs whatsoever.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 20:55

@daisydolle Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I would have burned with rage and brought hell down on someone who did that to me after 3 years. Well done for not doing so.

I imagine that makes what you're experiencing now feel worse. Please just remember that you've dodged a bullet. Be extra kind and good to yourself.