Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dumped - again!

45 replies

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 11:54

A few years back I got ghosted by my boyfriend of 3 years. I had a year of being single, met someone and we've been together for a year. This morning I got a text from him ending things with me, completely out of the blue.

Not sure why I'm writing on here but I'm not sure I can go through this again 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 21:04

@Firefly2009 This does feel worse compared to getting ghosted, I'm not sure why. Feeling incredibly sad and miserable tonight!

OP posts:

HomiesAlone · 11/12/2023 21:09

Ugh I feel so sad for you OP! How upsetting, what a shock and such bad timing. Have you reached out to friends to support you? X

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 21:17

@daisydolle I'm not sure why that would be OP, except could it be you liked this guy more and/or it has been more of a shock? What did the text say and what did he say when you spoke? Did it give you any clarity?

Objectively speaking, it's a super weird (and cruel) thing to do out of the blue. I'm reading between the lines of what you've said, but he perhaps struggles to maintain relationships, something to do with finding time, feels the pressure which builds without him saying anything...and then he bails. He has probably done this exact thing before. What did he say to you about finding time at the beginning of the relationship - why was this an issue?

You don't have to answer - only if it helps.

I've been there so many times, shocked and devastated at the end of a relationship. Even when there were signs, I didn't see it coming and it floored me. Feeling this way won't last, I promise.

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 21:18

Genuine question and not being an arse - but how can a boyfriend of three years ghost you? As in - there’s usually too many ties for a “ghosting” (mutual friends, belongings at each others homes etc).

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 21:24

I had one BF who dumped me once - he actually did it in person so I thought well of him. I was devastated but the thing is, I still had all of his DVDs and some CDs. And we didn't live together. There's usually left over stuff that pushes the two parties to have to meet? Just thinking this because in the past this has given me the opportunity for some closure, after the dust has settled.

coolcahuna · 11/12/2023 21:24

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 20:31

@Firefly2009 I did try and get in contact with him after but he ignored all attempts!

@coolcahuna Thank you. The shock is dreadful. No signs whatsoever.

You know what I found really hard is he had obviously been thinking about it for a month or so and ' deciding '. We even had a normal evening the weekend before and had sex. So he wasn't that torn to do the right thing on that!

Sorry if I've missed but have you deleted his number? Remove any temptation to message !

Original poster

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 21:25

@Blink1880 No mutual friends. I had nothing at his house. What he had at mine, he sent his brother round to collect.

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 21:26

Men who do this are absolute cowards

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 21:28

Bless you. Take some time to regroup and build up your confidence.

I would say though in the nicest possible way - these sound like signs that these men aren’t as invested in the relationships as you are (though this recent one sounds like a shock).

you deserve someone who puts you at the centre of your world - and you will find them - these wankers are practice runs so you know what to look for next time ❤️

Original poster

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 21:29

@Firefly2009 You've hit the nail on the head there. He told me at the start that he struggles to maintain relationships as he doesn't have the time due to work and his kids. He's been getting busier with work lately and we haven't been seeing each other much. He said we see each other so infrequently now that it feels more like a friendship, admitted it was down to him and his commitments and the time situation is not going to improve so doesn't see how it'll work.

I would have appreciated him doing it face to face after a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

daisydolle · 11/12/2023 21:33

@Blink1880 Yes today was completely out of the blue, we've had no issues whatsoever.

Thank you x

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 21:58

Not doing it face to face is the act of a coward. He probably tells himself he is too busy. He shouldn't have started a relationship whilst at the same time saying he struggles to find time for one. What was he even thinking?

This is going to be a blessing in disguise. If someone can't prioritise you - even if it's for good reasons - then they're not going to make you happy in the long run. And he hasn't shown much integrity or emotional availability in addition to the 'time' issue.

You deserve much better than all of this.

FlamingoFloss · 11/12/2023 22:00

That is totally cowardly! So sorry OP. That’s really rotten. Did he say why or did you question why? Xx sending a hand hold

Yippezippie · 11/12/2023 22:23

Someone was accused of victim blaming upthread. I don’t see it like this.
The first guy you said avoided communication and was flaky that way, the second you said told you he didn’t have time for a relationship, yet you continued on with both. Others would’ve called time early on.
They both acted badly but the signs were there to make an early exit yourself when they didn’t show relationship potential

Catoo · 11/12/2023 22:27

Sorry OP 💐

I actually prefer being dumped by text which seems to go against the general consensus of opinion I know. I don’t want them to see me cry or worse, start begging!

You've been ok before. You’ll be ok again this time. If he didn’t want to prioritise time with you, he wasn’t the one. If he is the one, he’ll come back if you go NC.

Even if you can’t find someone free on your birthday, do some really nice things for yourself.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/12/2023 23:22

I was dumped this time last year while pregnant- poor you op it's the worst time of year and will ruin this Xmas a bit, but new year new you - get some counselling and a personal trainer and a new haircut and book a holiday xx

Indifferentchickenwings · 11/12/2023 23:28

Getting dumped at any age is heartbreaking, especially when you don't see it coming

this , it sucks

ill say this gently though , he laid out the clues very early
and i agree that part of the healing is dissecting this
however right now all you can do is take lots of care of yourself xxx

Time really helps
self care
and no contact ! Nuclear ☢️ eradication

He’s said it , he meant it
no crawling back when he’s horny

Original poster

daisydolle · 12/12/2023 07:19

@Yippezippie Trying to look at it objectively, you are completely right. He did tell me at the start that he can't maintain relationships due to his lack of time. I guess when he started one with me and seemed to be completely involved, I just thought it would be different.

OP posts:

PineConeTea · 16/12/2023 09:34

I’m sorry OP. I’m really learning from this thread. I too sometimes start relationships with men who say at the start they can’t have one for whatever reason… I’ve really been thinking after reading this. Good luck.

Olika · 16/12/2023 10:15

Lots of times a relationship ends for the reason that was already there in the beginning but one ignored it. Think this as a learning curve so in the future if there is a red flag or the man says/does something you take that as an indication you shouldn't continue.

Flip

1 2