Partner's personal hygiene

[Summerbreeze76]

I'd like my partner to make more effort with his grooming and personal hygiene. He never uses moisturiser, doesn't wear aftershave or even floss his teeth. The worst thing though is that he doesn't wash under his foreskin.
We did discuss this once and he told me that it is tight and uncomfortable to pull back. I suggested he went to the doctor's but he said "it's fine, I'm too old to bother doing anything about it now".
He takes offence very easily and gets very stroppy if he thinks I'm criticizing him, so I haven't brought it up again, but our sex life is almost non-existent these days, and this is a contributing factor. I feel he can't be bothered to make an effort for me, and tbh I don't really fancy him due to this.
How can I approach again (he doesn't take hints)?

“We've been together 20 years! The dirty willy has always been an issue for me, but I put up with it!”
@Summerbreeze76

Re-read what you’ve written. Why should you “put up with” this? If he wants you to go anywhere near his genitals to give him some pleasure the least he can fucking do is clean them properly. The lack of respect for you is shocking and the lack of respect you have for yourself.

gross.

There is a cream you can get for the foreskin. Failing that circumcision. I can't believe you've been together 20yrs and not said anything, or has oral never really played a part in your sex life?

Sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind.

is sex not painful for him then? i imagine the pressure would be immense without the added room of pulling back the foreskin (obviously with circumcision the room is freely available lol)

I have 2, not 1 but 2!, exes who refused to brush their teeth. Of course not from day 1,as I would never have entered a relationship. But this started happening a while into the relationship.
A request for teeth brushing never led to anything aside from a tantrum and a lot of sighing and started to resemble having to talk to a 5 year old, bargaining with them to brush and being plainly told no I'm not doing it.

To me it was a lack of respect for me. Especially if they do want kisses and sex that night, but can't be arsed to brush their teeth like a normal adult.
With number 1 I put up with it for much longer as we had a lot more history and been together for a long time. In the end there were plenty of other factors that led to the breakdown of that relationship.

However with number 2,when this started being an issue again it just really gave me the ick. Like hell am I going to dealing with this bs again, I'm not.
I stayed with him for a few more months but in the end I started noticing other issues and there was zero improvement or consideration in the toothbrushing department.

Flossing is another ball game, I would have been super happy if they had just brushed let alone flossed. However it's not so much about the actual thing, it's about the lack of respect I think.
It's something that you find important and that gives you the ick and only a small effort on their side. If they cared they would do it, right?

If it was the other way round I would do any of these things for my partner in a heartbeat as I want to be clean for him and I would like him to be attracted to me, not grossed out.

@Allthewallsarewhite Do you think there's any particular reason this happened? I can't imagine why someone would want to behave like that?

It might be entirely random but this something I've noticed recently, so it strucj a chord. I bumped into a male friend unexpectedly, he'd just popped to the shop. I had to turn away from his hug because he smelt like he hadn't showered for ages, but more importantly, he smelt like he hadn't brushed his teeth for more than a day.

He saw me wince and said "oh sorry about my morning breath, wasn't expecting to see anyone" but I don't believe that was just morning breath! It was about 1pm as well.

Then one of my friends had an issue with her DH not brushing teeth. She told me she was having to ask him to do it, and then I saw them out and he had visible stuff on his teeth.

I think something changed because every time I've seen him since, he's looked normal.

@EmmaEmerald
I really don't know and don't understand it myself either. I would feel really self conscious about my breath especially if I'm with my significant other or friends.
I always wondered if it was the first step of disrespect to see what they can get away with and, if accepted and put up with, would escalate to phase 2 and behaviour would get worse.
I used to gently mention it, like carefully say have you forgotten or why haven't you. I think it would be better if you did to eventually really pleading like would you please brush it would really mean a lot to me.
To me it just seems so bizarre that an adult would not do this daily anyways, let alone if they have company. And still just refuse when it's mentioned, like I've asked him to do something really difficult. I'm so glad I don't have to have that discussion anymore. There was something really quite demoralising about it.
At least your friends partner does it when she asks him.

It could be pure laziness, but then still you normally make an effort to wash and make yourself look and smell nice when spending time with your other half even if you can't be bothered when alone.
It could be depression, but that didn't apply to either of my exes.
Some misguided rebellion, but against what? It's not like I had lots of rules or anything or that. Not sure if OP does, but it doesn't sound like it nor are her requests unreasonable.

Per other posters, the moisturiser, aftershave and flossing things are really it personal hygiene problems (unless she’s not brushing his teeth and they’re rotting out of his face?)

but as soon as you used the phrase “dirty willy” I checked right on out! How have you got with and stayed with this man for 20 years?? 🤢

there’s definitely a right way and a wrong way to approach it though.

@SkySecret what's the right and wrong way?

@Allthewallsarewhite "I always wondered if it was the first step of disrespect to see what they can get away with and, if accepted and put up with, would escalate to phase 2 and behaviour would get worse."

Yes, if someone did this to me, that's what I'd think. The friend I bumped into at the shop is single but looking for a girlfriend. I can't fathom leaving the house like that, he literally stank.

Then again, I can't fathom just hanging around alone in my own home like that!

My late father was very ill in the last part of his life, he was very distressed by being unable to shower etc, and I completely understood why.

Get up, brush teeth. It's literally the first thing I do every day and whether I'm leaving the house or not is completely irrelevant. To not bother is something I just can't understand. Do you think it's another side effect of covid - these people were always scuzzy but maintained a facade of cleanliness. Covid gave them a weird permission to fully embrace the scuzz?

@CalistoNoSolo I don't know, I have lived alone for years and people have expressed concern, all that time, that I might become habitually scuzzy. Um, no.

The last flatmate I had said to me "everyone secretly wants to be scuzzy, it's the presence of others that stops us, don't you think living alone will make you scuzzy".

I replied..."Um...no". 😂

I've noticed we get a lot of these posts and rarely a follow up post so I guess the posters just continue to live with it. I hope they're not sharing beds.

Haha, so from my personal experience living with my ex, scuzzy people will be scuzzy regardless of whether they live alone or with partner and the rest of us just maintain a normal standard hygiene at all times.

That is absolutely disgusting. I hope he doesn't expect you to put it in your mouth. A complete lack of respect for you but even worse, himself

@EmmaEmerald the difference between “for gods sake, will you clean your disgusting, cheesy dick?? It stinks and I’m repulsed by it, get it away from me!”

and “I wondered if we could try getting a bit of soap under your foreskin? I know it’s a bit difficult for you, maybe we could try a few things? It would make it a bit nicer for sex. I know it’s not your fault, I’m happy to support you with it ….”

and anywhere inbetween!

Being abrupt and accusatory is going to cause him to rebel against it, taking away blame, gently raising the issue and offering support is more likely to gain his trust.

TBF tho, I wouldn’t have got this far down the line with someone that didn’t want to keep their cock clean 😩🤢

Try this

If only your Willy didn’t smell like Gorgonzola, what fun we could have in the bedroom.

Why are you with someone who is comfortable with being unhygienic??

The moisturizing and aftershave isn't much a big deal, but washing properly or at all is.

You can fall ill behind this.

There's nothing you can do to make him change. He doesn't want to.

It doesn't reflect greatly on your hygiene and character if he's been this way the whole time, and you've been accepting and tolerant of it.

Respectfully, you're just as disgusting as him. 20 years, always been bothered by it, and you've never left. Instead you've remained intimate with him and even had a child by him.

You can stay or leave.

I remember going on a date with someone who said they forgot to brush their teeth. There wasn’t a second date 😂 I feel he was pushing boundaries and I didn’t like how he didn’t even apologise or keep his distance from me out of respect.

I agree moisturising and after shave are nice to have but I wouldn’t call it poor personal hygiene if someone doesn’t have that in their daily routine. The not washing penis properly is really concerning and would gross me out.
I’d probably only have sex wearing a condom if I did even stick around.

I will say though in regards to people who don’t shower or brush their teeth daily - it’s worth mentioning some people obviously struggle with mental ill-health. And a common symptoms of that is letting yourself go. I’ve also heard some ND say they struggle to remember basic grooming /hygiene/cleaning tasks. That doesn’t mean that anyone has to put up with that from their partner though but just saying.

Gosh this sounds very grim. Sorry OP.
As a frequent sufferer of UTI's I wouldn't want a cheesy willy anywhere near me!

If he refuses to sort this then I think you are left with little option but to leave.

Rereading this op..this is very cring. Perhaps individual therapy would be beneficial for you...because this seems like you are lacking self esteem, self worth, self respect, and sufficient love for yourself that lead you to make this choice seemingly out of desperation.

(Unless you aren't hygienic as well and picked a similar partnet)

In all these years, you feel like you can't do any better, that you have to settle for an unhygienic man that you feel you have to "mother" about his hygiene??

If he's not bathing properly, he's possibly not washing hands, nor changing clothes frequently (possibly wearing unclean garments) ..which means he is handling food and other things etc...

..and you've been physically intimate, (hugging, kissing, cuddling, sex, being in his presence) etc...smelling him, where you reside must respectfully smell foul.

If you are having problems managing your hygiene as well, perhaps speaking to someone as a doctor or therapist would help.. if you're too embarrassed to do so..many websites and videos can help.

Moisturiser and aftershave have nothing to do with hygiene.

Do you still give him a blowjob when he is dirty or have sex? if so then needs to stop.
Loads of people don't floss would he at least try an interdental brush?

Yeah same, I think some posters just like to have a moan.

He can’t help it. Is there actually a bad smell or is it just because you know he can’t clean there ?

He probably needs to be circumcised if it won’t go back. It’s really unhygienic (as you’ve found) to have urine/semen/sweat/bacteria festering under there for years