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Original poster

To crave sex and romantic relations with other men

41 replies

Peckahminn11 · 10/12/2023 23:53

Been in a LTR for 5 years. Lived together for 3. Both very good friends, however, I just do not want sex with my DP anymore. I could happily go without it and the thought of him touching me makes me sick, although he's very handsome, lovely body etc. He just doesn't turn me on anymore and I'm so stuck on what to do, because every other part of our relationship is good.

I know the grass is never greener, but we've tried to fix this situation, we've spoke about it and it's been stagnant for 2 years now. Maybe have sex once a month.
My eye is now wandering and I can't help but find other men attractive and want to pursue them. Leaving this relationship would mean losing my house and potentially having to move back home with my parents (yikes) and losing friends as I moved away from home and all of our friends are from his side. I feel like I would essentially lose everything/everyone.

Never been in a situation like this before and it's killing me. I just want something else, but not sure if it's the infatuation of other people luring me in because my relationship is missing the sex/romance part.

Any suggestions...

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/12/2023 23:57

I think you need to let your DP go so he can find someone who can connect with him. Everything in your post is about you and what you want. Your poor DP must feel so shit that you're just sticking around in the relationship for housing reasons. If you were really such good friends you'd see that you're not thinking of his best interests at all here, which is one of the defining features of most relationships.

Hiddenvoice · 11/12/2023 00:00

Sorry @Peckahminn11 but if you’ve had a pretty stagnant intimate relationship for 2 years then I’d probably say it will be really difficult to get back on track.

I know you don’t want to move back in with your parents and you’d lose friends but is this the life you want for yourself? You’ve been together 5 years and already potentially looking elsewhere.

I think you need to let him go, let him find someone who is right for him, and you find someone who is right for you.

category12 · 11/12/2023 00:07

Of course the grass is greener pretty much anywhere, if your partner makes you feel sick.

If you don't have kids to think about, just up and leave - get a houseshare, find a rental, you don't have to go back to your parents if you don't want to. Strike out on your own.

He deserves someone who wants him. You deserve someone who doesn't make you feel ill. 😂

HamsterBanana · 11/12/2023 00:12

Leave him, he deserves someone who can make him happy not just use him:

GodspeedJune · 11/12/2023 00:35

This isn’t how a relationship should be, it sounds like you’re just friends now. You both deserve better really.

Opentooffers · 11/12/2023 01:00

You clearly have a libido and he's nice in many ways and objectively to you good looking. So, is this your first long term thing? How have prior relationships gone? Do you suspect you'd get the ick with anyone once there is familiarity, or is there something about him?
I think, ask a counsellor. If he really has given you no reason to feel this way, find out what it is within you that is making you feel this way.
Perhaps this is your inner voice wanting to break free as it sounds like you have been living through him too much. Why did you move to him? Why do you not have your own friends? It looks like you have just relinquished your life for him.
You don't have to move in with your DP's maybe? If you joint own the house, you sell it, take some equity. If you rent, rent a flat instead just for you. If he owns it all, well, you've probably just let him own you and maybe nice just equates to giving you stuff in that case.

fulawitt · 11/12/2023 04:20

? Why don't you leave him ? Why do you have to cheat ? I don't get it.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 11/12/2023 04:51

You are considering staying with a man who makes you feel sick to have sex with, knowing you are increasingly wanting to cheat, because you live in his home? Own a home together and can’t afford to live independently if you sell? Rent a home together and can’t afford to rent alone?

You are essentially using him. For almost half the relationship you haven’t fancied him. But hung around because it’s a preferable living situation.

He (and you) deserve to have a full relationship and both deserve more. You have basically said he makes you sick, you don’t want sex with him but will do it every month or so to stay living there. It’s not healthy or fair on anyone.

And eventually you will cheat. You will end up break his heart. Maybe move straight of the place you share straight in with someone else and probably find that runs its course as well when it’s not an affair.

If you care about him and respect him, you should end it for both your sakes.

Cas112 · 11/12/2023 05:19

You have to separate, it's not fair on your partner

babbi · 11/12/2023 07:52

You’ll need to leave , this will drain you both emotionally as it will always be hanging in the air .
I have a thread on here at the moment with a similar issue , and resentment and disappointment was at an all
time high .
I finished it last night so am feeling dreadful this morning, even though I know deep down it’s the right thing .
Good luck

Namechange4234 · 11/12/2023 07:58

Of course you have to leave. He makes you feel sick when you think of him touching you. You can't stay with someone who makes you feel like that

You also must never stay with someone because they're a meal ticket

Give your head a wobble.

Didimum · 11/12/2023 08:06

Leaving this relationship would mean losing my house and potentially having to move back home with my parents (yikes) and losing friends as I moved away from home and all of our friends are from his side.

I don’t know how you can read that back and not see how entirely selfish you’re being. You’re boyfriend doesn’t exist solely as a human to prop up your life. Time to do the right thing.

handskneesandbumpsadaisy · 11/12/2023 08:08

It's just run it's course that's all. Time to make a new, bigger life for yourself. It might be you have to take a step back before you go forward but that's how it goes sometimes.

Honestly you'd be doing both of you a huge favour.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 11/12/2023 08:12

You need to be a big girl and end your relationship. It's over you're just sticking your head in the sand.

purpleberries1 · 11/12/2023 08:58

Is it normal for the OP to be disgusted by sex with her partner even if their relationship is good? Is that a thing that happens? I know attraction waxes and wanes but this seems extreme if there are no other issues involved.

I've only been in a few relationships so genuinely wondering - I don't have much experience.

category12 · 11/12/2023 10:53

purpleberries1 · 11/12/2023 08:58

Is it normal for the OP to be disgusted by sex with her partner even if their relationship is good? Is that a thing that happens? I know attraction waxes and wanes but this seems extreme if there are no other issues involved.

I've only been in a few relationships so genuinely wondering - I don't have much experience.

Edited

Nope, don't think so. Not unless the person is generally disgusted by sex. But someone who is interested in sex with other people, but revolted by their actual partner? Not usually.

Generally "the ick" goes hand in hand with a deterioration in the relationship all round, born of resentment etc. Can happen with pregnancy & such but usually goes away. Or can happen when a person's head has been turned.

Dery · 11/12/2023 11:47

No, it isn’t normal to be disgusted by the idea of sex with a long-term partner. Not in a functional relationship. There may be times when you don’t much feel like having sex at all but that’s different. Here, the OP wants sex but not with her partner. That side of the relationship appears to have more or less died after 3 years. Sexual desire ebbs and flows but what OP describes - which has gone on for 2 years - is a sign that the couple relationship is over.

Mistymist · 11/12/2023 11:58

It happened to me once. I was in a LTR and we broke up after 7 years. I couldn't stand him touching me and I had been feeling like that for a very long time. I realised it wasn't fair on him and that he deserved someone to fancy him.
I can assure you that the grass is greener on the others side. I have been with my DH for more than 7 years and not once have I felt the way I did before.
If I were you, I would leave him. You both deserve better. If you don't, it will only get worse.

StopStartStop · 11/12/2023 12:16

Leave him and do whatever you need to do to start afresh. Move in with your parents if you have to. Your situation isn't really a problem, the relationship has just run its course. Do it right away.

Bobbotgegrinch · 11/12/2023 14:03

Why are you staying with a man you don't fancy? Dump the poor bloke so that you can both move on and be happy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2023 14:06

Bobbotgegrinch · 11/12/2023 14:03

Why are you staying with a man you don't fancy? Dump the poor bloke so that you can both move on and be happy.

Money and lifestyle. She says so.

SkySecret · 11/12/2023 14:12

You have basically just described my previous relationship 🥲

I loved him very much, and I still do. He is attractive with a nice body, but I just didn’t have the sparks, I didn’t desire sex with him, and it made it difficult.

Leaving was the most heartbreaking thing I have done, and I still feel upset by it even though I’m now with someone who I do feel those sparks with. He’s still someone I spent 11 years of my life with, he was family to me, a best friend.

It’s very hard, but you can’t live like that forever, especially if you’re still young and want a sexual relationship and romance. I feel for you.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 11/12/2023 14:15

You want to cheat on your partner, because you don't want to move back in with your parents or lose your friends which were his anyway?

You think that's a question you should be asking?

Leave him. He deserves better than you.

FizzyLaser · 11/12/2023 14:16

Why not just have an affair ?

JadeVS72 · 11/12/2023 14:21

Before leaving I would try relationship counselling. He sounds like a great guy so maybe you could work out what's going on with a therapist. I have never had relationship counselling but have friends who have and in some cases it has been amazing, in others they have split anyway. I have been with my husband for 15 years and wouldn't contemplate splitting up without trying counselling first!

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