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Original poster

To crave sex and romantic relations with other men

41 replies

Peckahminn11 · 10/12/2023 23:53

Been in a LTR for 5 years. Lived together for 3. Both very good friends, however, I just do not want sex with my DP anymore. I could happily go without it and the thought of him touching me makes me sick, although he's very handsome, lovely body etc. He just doesn't turn me on anymore and I'm so stuck on what to do, because every other part of our relationship is good.

I know the grass is never greener, but we've tried to fix this situation, we've spoke about it and it's been stagnant for 2 years now. Maybe have sex once a month.
My eye is now wandering and I can't help but find other men attractive and want to pursue them. Leaving this relationship would mean losing my house and potentially having to move back home with my parents (yikes) and losing friends as I moved away from home and all of our friends are from his side. I feel like I would essentially lose everything/everyone.

Never been in a situation like this before and it's killing me. I just want something else, but not sure if it's the infatuation of other people luring me in because my relationship is missing the sex/romance part.

Any suggestions...

OP posts:
User135644 · 11/12/2023 14:25

Dump him. Poor bloke deserves better.

Don't cheat on him which you're on the verge of.

yossell · 11/12/2023 14:29

Other men own houses, OP.

namechangeformeeee · 12/12/2023 07:43

I can't offer any advice but I can empathise a lot - I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for almost 3. We are both late 30s. I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him but the sexual side (which was never great even at the beginning if I'm honest) has just dwindled to virtually nothing - he's an attractive man but I'm not just not feeling it anymore (and his sex drive has never been that high, which has caused arguments earlier on in the relationship).

I really don't know what to do - it seems ridiculous to consider throwing away a great life with my best friend because of a lack of sex but I honestly don't think I can carry on like this. I don't want to have an affair, I don't want to do that to him. I guess counselling could help? It's got to be worth a go. I've thought about asking him if he wants to open up the marriage but I've tried to gauge his reaction to this by mentioning it in relation to other people in the past and I'm sure there's no way he would agree.

Anyway sorry that wasn't at all helpful OP I just wanted to let you know I understand what you're going through.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 12/12/2023 08:06

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namechangeformeeee · 12/12/2023 15:52

@DonnaYouAreAStar why is it not worth it for a 5 year relationship?

Epidote · 12/12/2023 16:19

Leave him and give both of you an opportunity of be happy.

Your reasons to stay are pretty poor tbh.

dartsofcupid · 12/12/2023 16:29

I have read this is a recognised phenomenon. The sex goes out of it after about two years or so. Long enough in caveman days to fancy one another, get pregnant, get back on your feet again, perhaps? And throughout most of human history, long enough for the ring to go on the finger then …too late.

no but seriously, I’ve had this issue all my life. I just go off em, it’s like a curse, and I envy women who don’t. I’m astonished sexual attraction can be life-long.

honestly, you don’t want to end up trapped and neither does he. Either address it (whether via counselling or whatever else
you think might work) or be honest and cut him loose. Don’t let him say ‘that’s fine’ (it won’t be, not given how you feel) and don’t use him, it doesn’t end well.

Chelsea543 · 12/12/2023 18:59

My partner felt the way yours did, I found out and we now split. It’s not all about you and what you want but clearly as you don’t want him go let him find someone worthy of his love.

Mothersmith89 · 12/12/2023 20:02

I could have basicslly written this post. I get this feeling. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I fee similar with my husband but we have been together 15 years and having kids killed our sex life but our lives are so intertwined. I love him but the thought of sex with him makes my whole body feeeze up. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I’ve been having therapy for it but I am not sure there is much I can do : ( I hate myself for feeling this way. Also - You are not a bad person for not wanting to leave your house. I feel the same! It takes years to get to this point and alone we may never again. I get that. Let me know what you do : (

FrancineBox · 12/12/2023 20:12

Leave him

VioletLemon · 12/12/2023 20:32

Either explore this in therapy or end it. But please believe me having random encounters is not the way to go. I did it and it took years and years to recover my relationship. I was suffering from a MH illness, grief and hypomania. I didn't understand that at the time, be careful what you wish for. When I did it I had other previous issues. Explore why you feel this way, do you resent your partner, do you fear commitment, are you bored. It's much better to end I'd if are done.

pinkandblack6545 · 12/12/2023 20:42

I have been living in this kind of mess for years now. I have dc in the mix and I think that's my main worry not the financial side of things (though yes, it would mean living a far more basic lifestyle) but primarily, it is the dc's ages (relatively young) and the back and forth between two homes and so on.

I have been experiencing this infatuation thing/limerance for a while, it feels soul destroying and I will be seeking therapy soon. Fortunately, it has been from a distance. I am also peri-menopausal/brink of menopause and left off making any drastic decisions for this reason also (you don't say what age you are...but could this apply to you). I'm beginning to think it is more than this - there are major cracks in our relationship. It is not healthy and I feel trapped. And what if one of these objects of desire comes closer - such as working together and so on - I don't want to be in an affair situation, I just wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. So, I feel very stuck.

I can't and won't go on like this forever. Husband is aware of my unhappiness now - he had put it down to my hormones - but this is how out of sync. we are. Other posters are right, if you can, you need to move on most likely - but you also mention you are good friends so maybe something worth working through via counselling.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 13/12/2023 10:21

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porridgeisbae · 13/12/2023 10:36

I know the grass is never greener,

Well yes it can be greener with many other people if you don't fancy your current partner. Don't cheat, but end the relationship and find someone you feel that way towards.

perfectcolourfound · 13/12/2023 12:41

It sounds as though you've gone off him but don't to leave because the house is handy and your friends are nearby. Those are rubbish reasons to be in a relationship, and you aren't being fair at all on your OH.

heartofglass23 · 13/12/2023 13:19

The relationship is over.

Find practical solutions to your housing / logistics problems.

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