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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slept with his work colleague the same day as me

32 replies

Maria345 · 10/12/2023 22:51

I need a reality check, I’m not sure why I miss him even though he has treated me so badly.
abit of back story.. I’ve caught him on 2 dating apps, I’ve caught him asking another woman for sexual favours and I caught him sleeping with his colleague when I went through his phone and she told me everything - before he cheated we said we’d remain as friends but it was clear we was still more than friends as not a single thing had changed and he would still tell me he loves me etc, come to my house, we’d go out.. he made me believe we was still in a relationship and led me on to thinking things between us had improved and we’d turned a new leaf.. now after all this he claims he loves me and I’m the love of his life and has been trying to get me back for ages now.

he had sex with his colleague with no protection multiple times, would lie to me to spend time with her.. would face time me the day after like everything was fine..

I know I do not want a man like him and when I speak to him, I’m so adamant that I never want to talk to him again.. however I’ve decided to finally block him as I just want peace but I miss him and I think it’s due to loneliness. There were times he was good to me and went above and beyond and he tells me to stop judging him on the cheating and look at the good he’s done.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I could miss a man as horrible as him.

any advice to never unblock him will be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 10/12/2023 22:53

He sounds awful. Why on earth would you want anything to do with him

AdoraBell · 10/12/2023 22:56

Don’t unblock him. You are worth more than him.

Original poster
Maria345 · 10/12/2023 22:58

I really want to forget about him and move on with my life, but I do have my weak moments

OP posts:
Done2much · 10/12/2023 23:03

you are strong and you recognise he is not treating you well. please do not unblock him. he is toxic

Pessismistic · 10/12/2023 23:06

It's normal to feel like this when a relationship ends but just keep reminding yourself if you don't let the hurt happen now it will eventually happen if you went back so might aswell do it now get him out of your system look forward.

peonygrace · 10/12/2023 23:07

So sorry to hear this OP, how long were you together? It's never easy.

I have found some No Contact groups on Facebook really helpful in getting through a similar situation with a toxic cheat who I knew would never change.

Stay strong

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 10/12/2023 23:08

Now you've blocked him delete his number, delete his messages, delete your call history.

and build you your social network. Stop wasting time on loser men and throw your energies into making friends. Arrange evenings out. Phone people to chat. Take up hobbies and a sport. Once you are not lonely, and you are happy, you wont tolerate a wanker.

Dery · 10/12/2023 23:08

You might also find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much.

Original poster
Maria345 · 10/12/2023 23:12

He would tell me he will never hurt me again and that he regrets it etc. we was together almost 3 years.

OP posts:
TheMoreYouKnow · 10/12/2023 23:18

If you want to catch an std which could possibly leave you infertile then carry on seeing him. Nuff said.

Original poster
Maria345 · 10/12/2023 23:18

What makes me the most upset is he manipulated me into having an abortion almost a year ago.. telling me it would ruin his life, he wasn’t ready etc. at one point after I had the abortion we became sexually active again, and he then gave me the silent treatment bc I didn’t want to take the pill, he never spoke to me till I took it. but when he was having sex with his work colleague, he asked her to also take the pill, she refused, he said it was fine and he proceeded to arrange another time to meet up with her again. At another point in time he refused to have sex with me all together bc he said he was scared to get me pregnant again, but he was more than willing to shag his co worker.

all this plays over and over in my head and it confuses me bc he acts so remorseful now and says if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t be trying all this time to get me back.

I know deep down I will never go back 😪

OP posts:
QS90 · 10/12/2023 23:18

If you unblock him, you'll be kicking yourself in a few months, after more disrespect, lost time and heartache. If you stay strong, it might be hard for a bit, but it will be so, SO much better. Imagine meeting someone who loves and respects you, and wants to be with just you. You will never have that, so long as you keep letting him fill up that space in your life.

If you haven't already, please get an STI check. When you're happy in a new relationship, you don't want to suddenly find out you've had chlamydia scarring your body for months x

peonygrace · 10/12/2023 23:19

Sounds very much like my ex, I can only assure you that it won't feel this hard forever and you will find peace.

Hopefully you two don't have to cross paths regularly as it does make it difficult. I actually worked with my ex and ended up leaving the company because I knew I couldn't be around him. It was hard at the time but it worked out for the best.

peonygrace · 10/12/2023 23:23

Re the abortion. How awful, I am sorry you went through all of that.

Hopefully you will also see that there is small blessings that you won't have a child with this man, he doesn't sound cut out to be a decent father at all, and from personal experience having a shitty Co-parent is awful. Daffodil

Original poster
Maria345 · 10/12/2023 23:26

@peonygrace im so grateful i am not tied down to him with a child but also grieve the loss of someone growing inside of me that i so badly wanted to keep.

I do not know where to even begin on this healing journey. Do you have any tips?

OP posts:
peonygrace · 10/12/2023 23:29

Search for some No Contact Groups on Facebook. They're a valuable source of strength. Listen to some Matthew Hussey podcasts, he offers a range of advice re relationships and break ups. I also recommend Rosie Greens book "how to heal a broken heart".

Sending you lots of strength. You can do this

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 10/12/2023 23:44

@Maria345 so sorry but he doesn’t love you it’s a cat and mouse game and he loves the chase .

Pamper yourself go out with friends and even date do what you need to , to fill your time and distract you .

He is as pretty low as they come .

EdgarAllenRaven · 11/12/2023 00:05

In a light-hearted way. I would also recommend having a fling or one night stand… as a ‘palate cleanser’!
There is a phrase.. the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody!

OftIwandered · 11/12/2023 00:25

You are mourning the loss of the relationship you wanted and thought you had. But that was not real. This man will never be as good as you deserve. The quicker you get him out of your life and thoughts the sooner you can be happy again.

SavageTomato · 11/12/2023 00:37

So he's already caused you to need an abortion and just wanted more unprotected sex. This means he'd happily give you HIV or syphilis or herpes or hepatitis C. All because his dick is more important than you or any other woman. He's a cunt.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 02:01

It could be some level of trauma bonding. I've been there so here are some of my tips for what helped:

YouTube:
-Thrive after Abuse (great for healing - also Fb group)
-Dr Ramani (great for clarity and understanding)
Edit:- Craig Kenneth...NOT for the stuff about getting back your ex, but the stuff about attachment and toxic people (gives good scenarios),

Just like with any break up and a broken heart, you need to just do the stuff that helps you move on, so:
-Change up your routine in every way you can. I moved all of my furniture around, bought new bedding, took different routes to places, went to a different supermarket, ate different food, etc, etc. It's about re-wiring the brain.
-No contact, Stay busy. Delete his number. Go to support group online when feeling the pangs (you think it's longing for him but you're actually traumatised).
-New hobby. Something you really enjoy and is sociable. Also stuff you are super interested in, mentally speaking (replaces him! - for me it was certain podcasts on subjects I realised I love),
-Exercise is the most important one. Also lots of self care and pampering.

Give yourself time. Time heals all wounds. You'll get there faster if you go no contact. Honestly, do not speak to him in anyway ever again. Hugs.

WandaWonder · 11/12/2023 02:08

For goodness sakes get some self respect and realsie he did not make you do anything you chose too.

Just move on and stop walloying in self pity

I am well aware we are meant to reply with fluffy bunny and kittens and how wonderful you are but seriously own this, maybe some plain speakng might sink in

MsDogLady · 11/12/2023 03:35

@Maria345, why would you choose to once again pollute your life with this promiscuous pig who manipulates you?

He hasn’t changed one bit, but is love-bombing you because he thrives on chasing challenges and wants to ‘win’ by breaking down your boundaries. If you go back to him, he’ll be out hunting other targets for his sleazy gratification, risking your health, and robbing your consent and peace of mind.

He’s poison. Block and stay blocked.

Tilllly · 11/12/2023 03:41

He doesn't make you happy

And all the time is anywhere near your life, he is stopping you meeting someone who will make you happy

Someone who will not cheat on you, cause you to doubt yourself, hurt you in anyway. Someone who puts you first, who makes you laugh, who goes to places with you, has fun with you.

This toxic mess of a man hurts you, and then you go to him to make the hurt better.

Every time you turn your back on him and say no, it will get a little easier for the next time. Just keep saying no, just keep going.

Original poster
Maria345 · 11/12/2023 08:48

Hopefully I can keep him blocked 🙏

OP posts:
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