What would you do if you were me?

[HelpToMoveForward]

Apologies in advance.. this is going to be long. I’ve thought so many times about posting but now it’s got to the point where I need an outside perspective because I don’t know what to do anymore.

18 months ago my husband had an affair with a woman at work, I found out and he said it had ended, I forgave and we tried to move forward. Four weeks later he was in bed with her and apparently the affair had never stopped. Before this our relationship had been fraught, we have three children, two are very young (now 3&5) with SEN. We hadn’t had sex for months or slept in the same bed due to the children needing me and only me multiple times a night. I had also just been through a cancer scare and numerous hospital admissions.

Anyway he begged me to have him back, said he was having a breakdown at the thought of losing me to cancer (I’m fine) and changed jobs immediately. He told me everything, well probably not everything but I’ll never know, and we decided to try again. For about 12 months things were good, we had regular date nights, sex and emotionally felt closer than ever.

Then about 6 months ago I realised that all of this was instigated by me now. He would take part happily but never suggest a date night (these were always at home due to having no childcare) so I stopped trying to see if he would and we fell back into a pattern of sitting in front of the tv and we haven’t had sex since. However, we are a great team when together with the children although he works lots of evenings and weekends and I think I’m scared to end the relationship because of the practical and financial support. I do however to every single bit of life admin and am the default parent. I work part time due to children’s additional needs. But emotionally I feel numb towards him.

In all honesty now if he kisses me I feel sick and dread it. I hate what he did to me and our family after so many years together. I have no real family so thought that I had hit the jackpot initially but now I just feel sad, lonely and ashamed that I let him get away with what he did.

The problem is, I can’t afford the house we live in if he moves out and his parents gifted us jointly a large deposit. I hate the thought of uprooting my children away from their schools and I love where we live, there is so much outdoor space which my two ASD children so desperately need. I would have to move quite far away to afford something that would be right for us all including teen DD.

Just to throw a spanner in the works six weeks ago I bumped into an old flame and we haven’t stopped talking since, it reignited something in my that I don’t think I’ve ever felt with my husband, I feel like a teenager again. Nothing has happened and nothing would while I’m with my husband because I wouldn’t do to him what he’s done to me but I feel like this has made me realise I could have a future with someone else (not this man we are too incompatible.) the messages aren’t even flirty but I just feel like someone actually cares about how my day is, successes at work etc. I know people will say this is cheating though.

Please be nice and supportive with your replies. It has taken me months to build up the courage to post this. But if you were me what would you do- stay or leave? Financially I would be ruined but is a happy mother better for my children? Thank you xx

Go. There is a better life for you out there

I was in a similar situation and lost my lifestyle. I won’t deny it’s been hard. But I am no longer looking over my shoulder and an anxious mess. I was devastated and it’s been a long road. He makes little effort with the children BUT they are happy, I am more at peace. I was terrified of separation and never in a million years thought I would end up a single parent with two young children. I don’t think you ever truly get over the deceit. I think you it taints the relationship and once the resentment sets in it’s there lurking in every future argument and disagreement. I made the mistake of forgiving my ex 10 years previously. Fast forward 10 years and he cheated again. That’s only the times that I know of.

My advice is go and see a solicitor on the quiet so you get a idea of what the outcome might be financially.

Was the deposit ring-fenced? If it was a gift to you both, then hell, you've given him children and years of your life, don't be in a hurry to give up your share.

What I would do is stop talking to this man for now. If you do separate then things will be different, but for now the very last thing you want is for your husband to find out and to think you're even worse than him.

Then I'd go to a solicitor and ask what the financial situation would be if there was a separation.

He should be giving you half whether the deposit was ring fenced or not.

A meeting with a solicitor is the next step. Attend it armed with all the financial info.

Distance yourself from the other chap because he’s an unnecessary complication currently. No need to make a declaration about it, just minimise the messaging.

You’ll be ok.

Thank you everyone you are all so right! I am going to look for a solicitor in my area, I don’t have much money to fight him but I can try.
@overripemelon I think you’re right, I would miss the lifestyle and love my house so much but I love myself and my children more. The deceit creeps into every lovely family moment we have, I can’t look at him without feeling resentment anymore.
@category12 the deposit was gifted to both of us, I have this in writing so do you think legally I would be okay?
@OhComeOnFFS you are right about the man it’s just so hard to give it up. It gives me something to look forward to each day, which I haven’t felt for years. I know it’s just giving my ego a boost but I need to stop. I told my brother and he said I need to be the winner in this and not sink to the level of my husband who is a looser.

@PastorCarrBonarra thank you. I’m going to start googling one now. This is so new to me! No one my friends are married let alone divorced so I have no one to ask. I’m only in my early 30s and never thought I would be thinking about divorce.
You are right about the other man. I know if anyone found out I would be the bad guy, not my husband who actually cheated.

Leave the minute I knew he has sex with a different person he would be out disgusting and no respect or love for you

@Ladyj84 I now wish more than anything that I had! Cheating was always a dealbreaker for me but I was weak and unwell back then and my children were really difficult. I know I stayed for all the wrong reasons but I need to do something now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP I think that saying might apply here, some people come in to your life for a reason or a season. Perhaps this man is just that, and has been able to give you a glimmer of hope for your future. Not to say that this is the man, I definitely think he's just a good distraction right now, but that's all.

Life is short and you sound so unhappy. If you do seperate, yes things will be tough, but you don't have to be walking on those eggshells all the time. And you probably have little trust in your H right now too.

Your thread resonated so much as I took my H back after two (confirmed but I know there was more) affairs and just the same, it was me making all the effort and me saying oh things are great now, all the date nights etc etc. He never arranged one.

In the end I was just so deflated, defeated and I just knew I could not carry on like this anymore.

I'm so much happier now, my life is peaceful. It has been a journey getting here, but I'm that journey I just went day to day and took things as they came.

You are so young. You have so much ahead of you to enjoy and experience.

@isthismylifenow thank you!
I think you right about a season, it has shown me that there is more to life than what I’m doing right now and that’s what I needed to give me a push.
I think I’m more scared about the short term rather than the long term. Me being the one to end the marriage and everyone think I’m the bad guy. I’m such a people pleaser.
Did you end your marriage in the end?
I don’t want to look by in another five or ten years and think i should have done it sooner.

Why would people think you're the "bad guy"?

Just say to people, he had an affair. We tried to work it out but couldn't so we are divorcing.

I think a solicitor I'd likely to say you're more than likely to get more than 50% of assets.

My dh cheated on me - had a ONS with a guy and admitted after all these years and 3 children we’d been together he was is / might be gay/ bu sexual.

This is what I am doing because similarly to you we are a parenting great team when it comes to the children.
I hope something of what I write helps what ever you might decide.

Now 12 months on since D day.

1- we are in a parenting marriage- that is me and the kids are in the house - he stays two days 3 days a week at another property where he works from home and gives me space. - not possible for some I realise - he desperately doesn’t want to break up the family - shouldn’t have cheated should he - sorry I digress

2- he is financially supporting the family and I am now back in work part time due to our younger sons disability and ASD and other two who have ASD

3- We agreed at the moment divorce is not an option as we are parenting and communicating better - he was initially over joyed the truth was out and I was destroyed but clearly he was desperately unhappy and inadvertently so was I.

still felt like I’d died inside when I found out

Now the reality has hit him he’s having to have counselling and I am much better psychologically knowing we are legally married but not a couple in the true sense of the word

4- our family support worker noted how much calmer the children seemed and despite my initial despair/ anger/ utter detestation at me thinking I was weak for forgiving him - I have allowed myself some time to heal.

I found out 6 weeks after my mother died so couldn’t see the wood for the trees and 3 months previous to that I’d had life saving abdominal surgery

I am relieved I kept things with the house and the kids if only for me and the kids so that I could give myself some space and time to work out what the hell do I do.

5 - he is seeing someone now and clearly thinks he is the bees knees playing happy family man at church and cooking and cleaning and being present all the things I craved for years:

BUT and this is the key for now I need it to be like this as life is calmer - whilst I sort stuff out.

We are not intimate / but he is being more affectionate and loving than he ever was in the 19 years we’ve been married. I pull him up on it - last night I decided to move out of the main bedroom permanently - the idiot thought I was doing some work and fell asleep in the spare room- Fool-

Like you I can’t look at him now without getting the ick. His new boyfriend is 10 years younger - I know right

The idea of him touching me- not that I don’t need it- I don’t want it - but we laugh and joke- this evening before he left to go away for a week- thank god - with work he’d done dinner and sorted kids out - while I was away for the day Xmas shopping and going for a coffee with my friend - who knows nothing about this IRL.

the irony is I am 25 kgs lighter / my hair has grown back and I feel more alive than ever

• I wear matching bra and knickers for me now - no one else - he never noticed anyway- should have known then.

I am alone - and sad- for my life I thought I had which is over - but that is now my choice -

I needed to do things in my own time-

and you need to do things for you in your own time however that looks.

if you have children or a child with additional needs the ramifications of rushing into any sudden knee jerk reaction can be even more exhausting long term for you.

BUT and this is the point I am making:

My DH destroyed the trust
He destroyed my hopes and dreams of the future I had in my head about where we would be after the children grew up

But I am biding my time. Our eldest is doing his GCSE’s my youngest might need throat surgery next year.

I’m having counselling for bereavement and also my own mental health.

I am now investing in myself:
counselling
getting fit
setting up my business properly
working part time
all my financial stuff is in order
I’ve seen a solicitor on my own to discuss the various legalities since he had property and investments.

You need to invest now in your new future.
the new you
are you journaling / too exhausted I get that-
the new you - is it a business- a career change, your new hopes and dreams - these are purely from an emotional point of view.

the practical side of dealing with this can sweep you away but you come home and sit down you’re left with your emotions and thoughts.

if you’re not sleeping - can you seek help-
how is your health mental and physical
when you have down days do you have a plan to get you through the day.

What ever you decide you are not weak - so what if you forgave him.
that says so much about your own goodness not weakness -

we are all different so find your motivation for positive change in your own time

and from a practical view:
1- get your ducks in a row
2- see a solicitor
3- savings or start saving
4- work/ re train

what ever you do look after yourself and the children will see you coming through as a happier more fulfilled mum and woman in your own right.

there r moments when I cry alone wondering how could I be the healthiest, the physically fittest - and yet the man I once loved has no interest in me- and then I wipe my tears and say nope - Fuck him- one day he will regret ever doing what he did - and I will be happier and stronger and so will you -

goodness have you fallen asleep it’s so long 😱😱😱

please please recognise your self worth and strength not weakness -
I was so scared I cried pathetically like the very woman I promised myself I would never be - and begged him not to abandon me and the kids -

you will at some point wake up one morning or walk through the door and it will hit you.

that however new your future looks - you can do it 🙌🙌

You have already suken to your husband's level. You are having an affair and inappropriate relationship.

You must end things, and sort yourself out.

Firstly, you should tell your husband the truth about your affair.

Talk to a solicitor.
Divorce your husband, perhaps get into a shelter. Apply for benefits, perhaps get a job or multiple. .downsize, cut out the expenses that are not necessities.

Live below your means.

Try to get the children accumulated and adjusted. Tend to the children's emotional mental health and overall well being.

Remain single for 3 years or longer while you and the children adjust.

Leave this guy and all others alone for a good while. There's a lot that needs to be done and properly handled before becoming involved with anyone again.

Get legal advice re the house. Please do not get involved with some other guy until this is all sorted, it’s too complicated and your dc need to be the only consideration.

If you've got that in writing, then it's yours as much as his. I can't see how he'd have a leg to stand on.

If it were me...

I wouldn't do either of those things.

I would pack a bag for him and ask him to leave, telling him it's over.

I'd get a solicitor and aim to retain the house for the children's sake. But if not you'd get at least 50% and could hopefully remain in the area.

The thing is, he already did this, not you. You're just making it official.
Just do what you should have done at the time, and kick him out.

OP, please do not tell your husband about this man you’ve been talking to. You have no reason to. You’ve done nothing wrong, but he will seize it and pretend you’ve both been equally unfaithful.

I would drop contact with the other man though.

I think you might have assumed you can't continue living where you are before you've looked into the financial nitty-gritty.
For a start, you joint own a nice place, in a nice are, so it would seem expensive, but, if your inlaws gifted a large deposit, this could mean the mortgage is not that large. That's all you may need to cover monthly, and with your work, whatever payments you may get for your SEN DC'S, universal credit as a single parent, 25 % off council tax, and your STBexH's child maintenance. There are a lot of sources money could flow to you from. Plus, if there are family savings, half that is your due. Divorce negotiations often entail getting better house entitlement and initial money payouts set against going for less or non of his pension ( which you could take a chunk of by rights).
For a clean break, men with good jobs will often give decent terms to avoid their pension being got at - because they see it as their hard earned more than anything.
It's good you are married, you have more clout than you think. All you need is a SHL to get the ball rolling.

I was in a similar situation before, but I didn't rely on him financially, and we weren't married - just had two kids together.

We had a very up and down, toxic relationship, I was trying to get rid of him for years but he wouldn't leave. Anyway, he didn't physically cheat but was talking to another girl online asking for nudes. Blacked mailed me into staying and I tried to get over it. Truth is, I hated him and knew it was the end for me but couldn't bring myself to kick him out as I felt responsible for him (he had no where to go, tried to end his life because I tried to split up with him, we were together 8 years). A few months he started using the platform again that he had asked the girl for nudes - I had enough.

I'd started a job a few months after he 'cheated' around the same time he started using that platform again. There I met a lovely guy who used to ask me little things like how my day has been and what things I'll be doing on the weekend. It made me realise what a shit life I was leading, how much I was being disrespected by the father of my children. So I left him and never looked back. 6 years later, I am now married to that lovely guy, had 2 kids of our own and don't regret a thing - he saved me from a life of misery.

Nothing happened while I was still with my ex, I'm the same as you, I wouldn't do what he'd done to me. I waited, and we hung out as friends - it turned into something we both weren't really expecting. We just ended up falling in love.

Make the right choice for you, life can be rebuilt, give yourself a chance to be happy!

I would leave in your situation and did. My husband was abusive, he didn’t cheat (as far as I know). He assaulted me on numerous occasions, the worst being in 2015, a week before our son’s first birthday. I stayed and it really fucked with my self esteem and self perception - to the outside world I am a really assertive and gutsy lawyer and yet I stayed with a man who gave me a black eye.

We had good times after that, including having DD in 2018 but now I think our marriage was never salvageable after that point. There were still big blow ups and rages from him and although he never assaulted me as badly (there were pushing/punching incidents, smashing things etc) it was always in my mind that he could. I say all this to draw a parallel with cheating - the trust is broken and I don’t think you can ever fully get it back - I guess the question is can you live like that. In my case ex H didn’t really change his behaviour- he was still awful and abusive - he just didn’t hit me. Low bar!

Like you I reconnected with an old flame (who lives on the other side of the world - we happened to be in the same city for work trips) and it really shone a light on how awful my relationship was. Just how he treated me, the fondness in his eyes when he looked at me - I realised it was a long time since I saw that from ex H. If ever.

I ended the marriage (which was awful as exH went psycho). 6 months later I met up
with old flame and we are now in a long distance relationship. I feel utterly loved and I love him. I recognise it as real love, patient and kind. I feel very lucky.

I’m lucky that I have a great job and have been able to buy the family home. Materially my standard of living has changed drastically. But our house is calm and happy now. My kids are in therapy and the therapist told us despite all the material privilege DS9 has been given, he will need ongoing therapy to process what he was exposed to (in terms of exH’s anger and abuse). I’ve never regretted leaving.

Like @loopyloopyloopy1 nothing happened with now DP/old flame - I was very stern and said forbiddingly that a drink at the hotel bar after dinner would not be appropriate like a Victorian matron. I have to admit deep down I really wanted it to, but I’m glad now DP and I can start our relationship with clear consciences. When I left exH I didn’t know if anything would happen with DP (and given we live 18,000km apart it seemed extremely unlikely 😂). I just knew my marriage had become intolerable.

@Myadhdbrainforgot don't be silly I didn’t fall asleep, hearing these other stories is inspiring me to leave. It’s so hard when your children have ASD isn’t it. My middle one is diagnosed and I think the youngest have ASD and ADHD but we are awaiting an assessment.
I think I’m scared that no one will ever want me because of my children’s needs and that’s one of the reasons why I stay. But I so desperately want to love again and for someone to love me!

My son just said “mommy why do you hate tinsel?” And my husband said “it’s not tinsel she hates it’s me” and when I didn’t respond he started nit picking about why I didn’t deny it? Surely it’s not a conversation to have in front of the children. I just want to turn round and tell him to piss off out the house but I know I have to get my ducks in a row first.

@loopyloopyloopy1 and @Endoftheroad12345 thank you so much for sharing your stories. This is exactly what I came here looking for I think. I’m so scared of what’s going to happen in and week or a month when I finally build up the courage to tell him it’s over but long term I want and need more and it sounds like you’ve both found that which is amazing!!
Thank you all for giving me the strength to do this. I think I’m going to have to suck it up for Christmas and see a solicitor then in the New Year sit him down and talk through it properly. I will probably plan the conversation a million times in my head but I know it won’t come out right.
I feel nervous and excited about the future ahead.
I have told my friend that we should stop messaging for a while because I am dealing with a few things at home and said I’ll be in touch in the New Year. Thank you all for making me see sense and not letting me sink to his level.