Apologies in advance.. this is going to be long. I’ve thought so many times about posting but now it’s got to the point where I need an outside perspective because I don’t know what to do anymore.
18 months ago my husband had an affair with a woman at work, I found out and he said it had ended, I forgave and we tried to move forward. Four weeks later he was in bed with her and apparently the affair had never stopped. Before this our relationship had been fraught, we have three children, two are very young (now 3&5) with SEN. We hadn’t had sex for months or slept in the same bed due to the children needing me and only me multiple times a night. I had also just been through a cancer scare and numerous hospital admissions.
Anyway he begged me to have him back, said he was having a breakdown at the thought of losing me to cancer (I’m fine) and changed jobs immediately. He told me everything, well probably not everything but I’ll never know, and we decided to try again. For about 12 months things were good, we had regular date nights, sex and emotionally felt closer than ever.
Then about 6 months ago I realised that all of this was instigated by me now. He would take part happily but never suggest a date night (these were always at home due to having no childcare) so I stopped trying to see if he would and we fell back into a pattern of sitting in front of the tv and we haven’t had sex since. However, we are a great team when together with the children although he works lots of evenings and weekends and I think I’m scared to end the relationship because of the practical and financial support. I do however to every single bit of life admin and am the default parent. I work part time due to children’s additional needs. But emotionally I feel numb towards him.
In all honesty now if he kisses me I feel sick and dread it. I hate what he did to me and our family after so many years together. I have no real family so thought that I had hit the jackpot initially but now I just feel sad, lonely and ashamed that I let him get away with what he did.
The problem is, I can’t afford the house we live in if he moves out and his parents gifted us jointly a large deposit. I hate the thought of uprooting my children away from their schools and I love where we live, there is so much outdoor space which my two ASD children so desperately need. I would have to move quite far away to afford something that would be right for us all including teen DD.
Just to throw a spanner in the works six weeks ago I bumped into an old flame and we haven’t stopped talking since, it reignited something in my that I don’t think I’ve ever felt with my husband, I feel like a teenager again. Nothing has happened and nothing would while I’m with my husband because I wouldn’t do to him what he’s done to me but I feel like this has made me realise I could have a future with someone else (not this man we are too incompatible.) the messages aren’t even flirty but I just feel like someone actually cares about how my day is, successes at work etc. I know people will say this is cheating though.
Please be nice and supportive with your replies. It has taken me months to build up the courage to post this. But if you were me what would you do- stay or leave? Financially I would be ruined but is a happy mother better for my children? Thank you xx