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Original poster

Empty eyes?

44 replies

Annoyingsqueakytoy · 10/12/2023 18:30

I hope this makes sense. I had a big fight with my partner because I found out that he had been lying to me about something. This had been a bit of a mess as I had suspected something but he had always denied it and he did have me convinced of his version for a while. We were both angry and loud, but at some stage he just got a "blank" look at got entirely calm and quiet. At first this made me even more annoyed but then I felt really unnerved and just stopped talking too.

Does anyone else's partner "gloss over" like this, is this a thing? Or a defense mechanism? He was definitely caught lying.

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 10/12/2023 18:32

In my experience it happens with people on the narcissistic spectrum… dead behind the eyes. It’s really creepy.

Original poster
Annoyingsqueakytoy · 10/12/2023 19:19

But that's not at all what he is like normally and it's never happened before?

OP posts:
Fuckered · 10/12/2023 19:47

Disassociated? Its a defense mechanism when you have grown up in yelling shouting home for example it triggers disassociation.
Did you post this before? I read very similar months ago.

Mrsgreen100 · 10/12/2023 19:56

Wish to goodness I had, realised this trait in my x of 25 years
he I now realise is a narcissist (covert)
cheated lied and defrauded me for the entire time , I kicked him out when I finally realised what he was , the blank weird eye thing was his speciality

Thenewmags · 10/12/2023 19:58

I’d say this kind of look is a potential red flag and coupled with the lie it may indicate you don’t know him as well as you think you do.

Dig deeper, whatever he is lying about may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:03

Narcissism is actually really rare, the term is over and misused.

Original poster
Annoyingsqueakytoy · 10/12/2023 20:09

No, I didn't post about this before because it only happened. Do you remember the name of the other thread? I couldn't see it when I searched for it.

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 10/12/2023 20:14

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:03

Narcissism is actually really rare, the term is over and misused.

Actual psychopathy is rare. Narcissism isn’t sadly. And I do think it’s a spectrum.

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:20

Rainydays777 · 10/12/2023 20:14

Actual psychopathy is rare. Narcissism isn’t sadly. And I do think it’s a spectrum.

Show quote history

What's your source that narssism isnt rare? Everywhere I looked say 0.5-5% of a population has narcissistic personality disorder.

Rainydays777 · 10/12/2023 20:25

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:20

What's your source that narssism isnt rare? Everywhere I looked say 0.5-5% of a population has narcissistic personality disorder.

Show quote history

I imagine to be diagnosed with it is rare. Having had the encounters I have, I can assure it isn’t as rare as you think.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 20:26

I would say he’s either got some kind of personality defect that allows him to stay very calm and rational to get out of a tough situation with no repercussions - narcissism, sociopathy, although the narcissists I know tend to deal with such accusations with extreme anger, hatred, sneering etc, or he’s developed this as a trauma response and it’s dissociation/folding as it’s often known. Maybe if he was told off for lying in an extreme way as a younger boy. I tend to go through stages in “arguments” with my mother where I’ll cry - very quietly so I don’t get told off - occasionally snap back, try to placate her and then finally I’ll go completely blank, my voice goes flat, I can’t meet her eyes and I just basically try to ride it out while my body partially shuts down. I say “arguments” because it’s more like three hours of being shouted at, most of the time for absolutely no reason but occasionally because I’ve done something wrong.

flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 20:27

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:03

Narcissism is actually really rare, the term is over and misused.

It is quite overused, but I wouldn't call it rare!

altmember · 10/12/2023 20:30

Sounds like he grey rocked you. Apparently it's narcissistic behaviour when you're on the receiving side of it!

BalloonSlayer · 10/12/2023 20:33

Not exactly the Oracle I know but Jilly Cooper describes this a lot in her books, usually when the man is presented with accusations of infidelity.

"His face went blank like a digital clock in a power cut."

kaboomy · 10/12/2023 20:34

@Rainydays777 stats would suggest the opposite. NPD is rarer than Psychopathy

kaboomy · 10/12/2023 20:36

@Rainydays777 I think you are an example of people overusing the term. True NPD is rare. People can exhibit narcissistic behaviours just as people can exhibit psychopathic behaviours but this in no way means they are psychopaths or have NPD. So over used. Very rare

bonzaitree · 10/12/2023 20:39

Glazing over is a stress response OP. He is under too much stress so he dissociates and checks out.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 20:41

I would be very frightened if someone did this.

How long have you known him? Have you ever seen him when he's really stressed, before this?

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 21:18

OK not much to do with the thread but true NPD is very under-recorded because basically no narcissists seek help with it, shockingly (why would someone who is the greatest person in the world seek help with everyone being nasty to them? Everyone else just needs to fall in line.)

MMMarmite · 10/12/2023 21:27

I agree with posters who say it could be dissociation- a "checking out and shutting down" response that is learned by kids who go through abuse in childhood.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 00:01

I think you shouldn't worry about his eyes. Could mean anything and you'll never know the answer.

Focus on evaluating the relationship itself.

Cherriesandstrawberries · 11/12/2023 00:20

My ex would do this, it was definitely disassociation and response to when he found a disagreement with me overwhelming. Usually if I was upset with him, not the other way round.

He would do it with his mum if she used a firmer voice towards him when he was young. It was very scary for me as he’d stare at the ceiling for hours and be in a trance where he’d shut down. Even clicking your fingers in front of his face didn’t snap him out of it.

He also was autistic and really struggled regulating emotions and was abusive to me mentally. It was really frustrating because it meant we never finished communicating about the original problem

GarlicMaybeNot · 11/12/2023 09:22

Fuckered · 10/12/2023 20:20

What's your source that narssism isnt rare? Everywhere I looked say 0.5-5% of a population has narcissistic personality disorder.

Show quote history

5% is one in 20. Not 'rare' in anyone's book.

Sorry for stats diversion, OP! I agree it's very disconcerting when this happens. There are various possible causes. Coupled with the determined lying you mention, it's potentially worrying. Is this the first time you've challenged his versions of events? If so, you may well have been seeing cold fury and that would be very worrying.

MightyGoldBear · 11/12/2023 13:23

Yes mine used to do this turned out he had an addiction and he had no ability to talk about well anything least of all being accused. The glazed look was him shutting down. Addiction behaviors also overlap with narcissistic traits.

I'd suggest counselling for you both separately and together.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 13:33

Cold fury and dissociative behaviour/even other behaviours are really easy to distinguish in my experience, and tends to be accompanied by actions. When my mother, for instance, gets angry, her eyes aren’t blank, they could probably cut me into tiny pieces. Her voice changes too - becomes sharp and nasty and penetrating. Pretty soon you can guarantee the worst things you could say to a daughter are going to come out of her mouth and not only will she back them up later, she will get angry again for challenging her.

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