Empty eyes?

[Annoyingsqueakytoy]

I hope this makes sense. I had a big fight with my partner because I found out that he had been lying to me about something. This had been a bit of a mess as I had suspected something but he had always denied it and he did have me convinced of his version for a while. We were both angry and loud, but at some stage he just got a "blank" look at got entirely calm and quiet. At first this made me even more annoyed but then I felt really unnerved and just stopped talking too.

Does anyone else's partner "gloss over" like this, is this a thing? Or a defense mechanism? He was definitely caught lying.

Some kind of emotional problem.
I've only really seen this once, and know what you mean. I dissociate, but not for long periods, and it is a shut down as described above. This person had this appearance regularly.
I wouldn't say they were narcissistic - they did have some strange interpretations of certain things though, around apologies and empathy. Sadly, they were also prone to marked and serious periods of very bad depression, despite working very hard to stay afloat.

Yeas it's disassociation, I do it myself. I grew up in a house with lots of screaming and shouting.

I think it is dissociation too, this used to happen to me when arguing with ex-H as he was very confrontational and I did not feel heard. Never had it in ten years of being with DP though, because I feel safe in our relationship and our communication is amazing. Its just my experience but maybe you need to look at your relationship.

I would be seriously rethinking this relationship if I were you. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who literally checks out when conflict arises. This reaction from him could be involuntary due to issues from his past, it could be a personality disorder, it could be that he's gaslighting you and trying to shut you up. All of these are untenable, and let's not forget that he's lying to you.

It might be time to go.

This is not my thread @Aquamarine1029 but my goodness does that sort of post make me feel miserable and hopeless.

Disassociation is a sign of damage, not a fatal flaw. The idea that damaged people can’t love or be loved is horrendous.

There's a lot of armchair psychiatrists on here, throwing around big words and heaps of speculation.

Th argument got shouty. He didn't want to shout back or continue to fight so he shut it down in the only way he could. He checked out. Lots of people do it when they are done having an argument. I often walk away and say 'im done' then I go and exercise. It's not that I'm a narcissist or that I'm in some way emotionally damaged I just have a threshold for getting myself into emotional or distressed states and know how to cut it off and walk away. I assume he just didn't have anything else to say and wanted you to stop.

Can you imagine the reaction you'd get from a narcissist if you suggested that perhaps they needed to get a proper diagnosis and support for their condition?!

Where did I say that damaged people can't love or be loved? You are literally just making this up.

The op's partner is lying to her, and it seems as though what he's lying about is quite significant, at least to the op. I suggested she rethink the relationship accordingly.

I’m not interested in getting into a conflict @Aquamarine1029. Am actually going to leave it there because the person who makes me dissociate most often is back and it sounds like she wants to shout at me.

That's rather a leap.

Maybe he's just a cunt?

Are you a psychiatrist specialising in Narcissistic disorder?

It's a lot rarer than people think and very complex to diagnose.

Usually the person concerned is just a selfish spoilt arsehole.

Jesus. You don’t need to be a psychiatrist to know when someone is a narcissist or displays a higher than average degree of narcissistic behaviours.

and you don’t need to ‘officially’ diagnose someone either. My exH was a narc. I didn’t March him off to see a psychiatrist but I know enough about it to know when I’ve experienced it. And the dead, soulless look behind the eyes has been a common factor in other people who have displayed common narcissistic traits.

I don’t know why so many people are jumping on me on here simply for using the term narcissist. It IS a lot more common than people realise.

Jesus. You don’t need to be a psychiatrist to know when someone is a narcissist or displays a higher than average degree of narcissistic behaviours.

You really do. True Narcissism highly complex.

Can we find a middle ground here? NPD is probably fairly rare. Most people have a couple of narcissistic traits. A fair amount of people are pretty narcissistic in their everyday lives. Those are the ones who tend to be abusive rather than abusive and actually ridiculous (Donald Trump).

Everyone happy?

It's not rare. It's rarely diagnosed.

Because the nature of narcissism and psychopathy means that those with the disorders don't see them as a problem but a way for them to do and get exactly what they want.

They're usually only picked up on if there's a big psychiatric event or they're caught committing a crime and then the authorities are able to spot it.

Agreed. Also women and people with less classic narcisstic presentations are under-diagnosed. For example not every narcissist is all about looks and wealth. It could be a perfect housewife, difficult mother in law or a community activist.
Full on narcisstic personality disorder is rare but people who fall somewhere on narcisstic spectrum are common and very problematic.

Thanks all. I'll try to discuss it this evening and won't get shouty in case that's what caused it. I won't let this go though as he still ows me an explanation for what he did.

Dissociation (not "disassociation").

There is a difference between the two

5% of a population though is 1 in every 20 people. That is definitely not rare and would in fact mean it was extremely common.

Even 0.5% of a population would be one in every 200 people. That would still mean hundreds of thousands in people in the UK with it.