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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Intimate moments and privacy as a parent

64 replies

Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 10:35

I'm in a struggling/failing relationship that's spanned the best part of 2 decades.

One element that has really died is the passion in the bedroom. I'll hold my hands up that I haven't been making time for it.

One of the barriers we have is that we have busy lives and 2 DDs that are 9 and 15. It's not a case of waiting till they sleep because 15 year old goes to bed around the same time.

Our bed is very squeaky and this is off putting with DD in the next room. Is there a way of doing it quietly? Like has anybody got a 'life hack' to have good hard PIV intercourse quietly and discreetly?

The problem is on the occasions the kids are out because we haven't done it for a while their is pressure to make the most of it and do it.

Thank God I never heard my parents, it must be awful and I certainly wouldn't put them through that.

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/12/2023 12:22

Ah .... the art of silent sex! .... I remember it well!

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 12:25

Set alarm for 6 am. Then back to sleep for an hour before starting the day!

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2023 12:26

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 12:25

Set alarm for 6 am. Then back to sleep for an hour before starting the day!

I’d rather have the extra hour sleep!

Ladyj84 · 10/12/2023 12:26

Living room, bedroom when there down watching films, nights away lol

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 10/12/2023 12:34

When I wake in the middle of the night, I just start fiddling about with my DH and wake him. We then have relatively silent sex. It’s actually incredibly sexy.
I know it’s hard. We went through stages of lunchtime sex as I work from home and DH would come home. But we just fit it in whenever we can. The thing is to try. As a pp has said if you want it, you’ll work it out. Even hinting at sex with your DH can be sexy. Fondle him when you get the chance. Be ‚in touch‘ with him. Get the tension up. If you don’t, this will slowly die and it’s very very hard to come back from that.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 13:01

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 10/12/2023 12:34

When I wake in the middle of the night, I just start fiddling about with my DH and wake him. We then have relatively silent sex. It’s actually incredibly sexy.
I know it’s hard. We went through stages of lunchtime sex as I work from home and DH would come home. But we just fit it in whenever we can. The thing is to try. As a pp has said if you want it, you’ll work it out. Even hinting at sex with your DH can be sexy. Fondle him when you get the chance. Be ‚in touch‘ with him. Get the tension up. If you don’t, this will slowly die and it’s very very hard to come back from that.

The lunchtime is a good idea. As long as you get time to sort your hair out afterwards in case you have a conference call! Haha
You are right in can fade and die if it gets to a certain point it's difficult to retrieve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 13:02

Ladyj84 · 10/12/2023 12:26

Living room, bedroom when there down watching films, nights away lol

Think we'd need a lock for that because they just walk in without knocking.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 13:07

If you can’t afford to replace the bed, I deal with a bed which collapses under the combined weight of two, by putting out four pillows on the floor covered by a blanket and sometimes a second one if it’s cold to go over us. You could even move the mattress if one or both of you is physically fit and can be bothered. It’s a bit teenager-ish but totally silent. Also this works even though my boyfriend is definitely of the larger persuasion.

RagzRebooted · 10/12/2023 13:14

SheilaFentiman · 10/12/2023 12:03

The other approach is… your DD is old enough to know you have sex. If she hears you and doesn’t want to, she can put on earphones or go downstairs.
We lock our door on a weekend morning. Damn sure 16 year old knows why, but we don’t mention it!

Yep, this. Ours are teens (13, 16, 17), we have a small house. But they're usually in their rooms with headphones on. They know not to come in the lounge after 11pm as that's our space then (unless they're having a sleepover down there) and to leave us alone if we're hidden in our room at midday on a Weekend! They knock if they need us.

In the same vein, we afford the same privacy and respect to them if they have girlfriends round and pretend not to be aware of what they're up to.

Squeaky beds usually just need tightening, metals ones are worst or some need padding around the slats. We're pretty good at ninja quiet sex, we save the noise for when everyone is out of the house.

RagzRebooted · 10/12/2023 13:21

We used to have a weekday where we were both home, but DS2 now has a day off college that day so we've lost our regular slot (hehe). DH works nights which makes it even harder, it can be dry spells for weeks here but does mean we both make more of an effort to be spontaneous when we're both home. Even if it does mean hiding in the bedroom at midday on a Sunday. Thankfully we can pretend DH needs his sleep as he was working all night. They may be pretending to believe us, but it works.
I'd be happier if we had doors that actually shut properly, never mind locked (though the cat would just scratch at the door until it opens anyway), but radio on Alexa helps!

Daisies12 · 10/12/2023 13:24

Duvet in the floor, new bed, lock in door. And if you can. Get a babysitting and have a night away in a hotel

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 13:33

@RagzRebooted @Tonto37 I would add that you need to make sure it’s Radio 4 or Radio 1 club night or something. I had a room in a shared house with strangers and every time I heard a certain Spotify (or whatever) channel of smoochy slow music I knew exactly what was going on with my housemates. If it’s Gardener’s Question Time they’ll probably think it’s a shared nap.

Motototo · 10/12/2023 13:34

All these ideas are great but if your relationship isn’t great at the moment then you probably need to work on that first. What’s your DH view on things. Is he a bit disillusioned with the relationship too or just the lack of sex.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 13:34

Also going to add again, but I would really recommend more than just a duvet if you’re bony, OP. It would be excruciating for me to have just a thin layer of fabric and feathers between me and the floor. Pillows

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 13:38

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 13:33

@RagzRebooted @Tonto37 I would add that you need to make sure it’s Radio 4 or Radio 1 club night or something. I had a room in a shared house with strangers and every time I heard a certain Spotify (or whatever) channel of smoochy slow music I knew exactly what was going on with my housemates. If it’s Gardener’s Question Time they’ll probably think it’s a shared nap.

Awwwww I was thinking Lionel Ritchie

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 13:40

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 13:34

Also going to add again, but I would really recommend more than just a duvet if you’re bony, OP. It would be excruciating for me to have just a thin layer of fabric and feathers between me and the floor. Pillows

Yes I agree... depends on the position. But cushions will help.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 10/12/2023 13:45

Do it on the floor.
Do it standing up in the bathroom.
Do it in the garden shed.
Go away overnight.
Do it in the car.
Take the dog for a walk and do it in the woods.

That's if you actually want to do it, of course.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 13:51

StopStartStop · 10/12/2023 13:45

Do it on the floor.
Do it standing up in the bathroom.
Do it in the garden shed.
Go away overnight.
Do it in the car.
Take the dog for a walk and do it in the woods.

That's if you actually want to do it, of course.

Some risky suggestions there. I think if I was to do it in the woods I'd leave the dog at home!
Thanks for your suggestions, need to be more creative

OP posts:
Rania78 · 10/12/2023 14:06

Buy one that is steady on the floor. Buy IKEA MALM.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 15:15

Rania78 · 10/12/2023 14:06

Buy one that is steady on the floor. Buy IKEA MALM.

Looks ideal, on my shopping list

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 10/12/2023 18:15

@RagzRebooted - why not use a door stop? (or a couple of them to be sure to be sure)

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 19:17

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone, I'll keep them in mind, particularly the duvet on the floor and the new IKEA bed. I want to get things on track but be as discreet and quiet as possible! Nowt worse than hearing parents, fortunately never experienced that.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 19:21

@Tonto37 if you’re getting an IKEA bed, be really careful once it reaches a certain age. I have two in my room which were moved downstairs specially so my boyfriend and I could sleep together (I mean literally sleep together, not the other thing, although that was probably expected to happen, lol). It’s twenty years old. My boyfriend is 16 stone and literally can’t put his full weight on either of them at all. I’ve even had some of the boards give way from my 7.5-8 stone. The ones which are basically just futons are a safer bet though you have to watch out for creepie-crawlies!

supermamio · 10/12/2023 19:29

We just do it downstairs in the living room. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 19:33

supermamio · 10/12/2023 19:29

We just do it downstairs in the living room. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What if they walk downstairs?! I take it they are at an age where you are confident they are fast asleep

OP posts:
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