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Original poster

Separating from depressed DH

50 replies

Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:20

After years of agonising over do I stay or do I go - I have finally decided to leave my marriage of 19 years. Background of a lot of ups and downs, challenging life circumstances, and DH having ongoing anxiety, depression and a few mental breakdowns. We have three dc. I have put 100% into working on myself and the marriage, and have just come to the realisation that I cannot live like this any more.

I have had quite a few conversations about this with my DH - he has also known for years that things have been difficult between us, but was happy to bury his head in the sand and just keep plodding on for the rest of our lives. He's agreed to move out as we both think that would be better for the dc rather than me moving out.

The problem is that he is depressed, and to be honest his actual personality has always seemed low energy and depressed. He has been off sick from work with stress for 6 months and just lies around the house all day. He has said that he will move out next summer after one of our dc's exams. I do think that that would be a good time, but I feel so stressed out by him being around all the time.

I feel guilty as I know he is not feeling good, but to be honest, he has been like this on and off for our whole relationship. He's only ever worked part time and has barely done anything at home over the years.

I also feel frustrated as I want to move on, look at how we're going to manage our finances, we need to get a new car, sort stuff out, but any time I suggest anything it's like he looks pained, says something like "oh I don't know, I'll think about it" and then goes to lie down.

I'm just worried that he's never going to move out, as he can't seem to face anything or motivate himself to do anything. This is not just about us splitting up, he has always been like this about everything.

I totally understand that it wasn't his choice to split up and understandably he is going to have a lot of emotions coming up, but I have supported him and lived with the stress of our relationship for so long and I just want to move on. I suggested yesterday that maybe in January he could go to stay with a friend or family for a while to give us some space. (He would be able to do this as he's not working at the moment, whereas I'm working so I can't). He looked really hurt and said "You just want to kick me out don't you, you can't wait to get rid of me".

I just don't know how to handle this - I want to be respectful and empathic towards him, but equally I am aware how stressed I feel with this situation and want to move on and sort stuff out! I just feel that I'm going to have to organise everything for this to happen as well as working, looking after dc and running a home, while dh lies on the sofa, looks hurt and keeps putting obstacles in my way.

Help!

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 10/12/2023 09:23

You are going to have to rip the plaster off her. Short, sharp and swift. Will hurt like anything but so much better than waiting.

sit him down. Tell him it’s over. Tell him he needs to move out in January (assuming you’re staying with the kids in the house). Come up with a plan.

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:30

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister Thanks, yes I have told him that it's over. I am staying with the kids in the house. DH wants to move out next summer after one of our dcs finishes their exams. I initially agreed with that, but I'm now feeling I can't bear another 6 months living like this with him 🙈
But is it fair of me to ask him to move out earlier? And I don't know how I'm going to get him on board with sorting everything out, I think I will end up having to do everything, even finding him a place to live....

OP posts:
Hermanfromguesswho · 10/12/2023 09:30

You can tell him that yes, you do want some space from him. You are separated. It’s usual to want some space from an ex partner. Even a current partner you’d want space from if they were home lying on the sofa constantly.
tell him that as he’s not feeling up to taking his own actions to get things moving in the right direction that you are having to nudge him.
what action is he taking to help himself with his mental health?

HappyHedgehog247 · 10/12/2023 09:32

You might have to do everything but then it will be done and he will be out! Or could you reverse previous decision and you and DC move instead?

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:34

@Hermanfromguesswho I've been saying to him for ages that I want space, even before I mentioned separating. He thinks that this is strange as he doesn't need space, and just likes being at home with everyone all the time, so I've felt guilty asking for space.

He's on anti depressants, he's been on them for years. That's all really, he doesn't do exercise. He's been to therapy on the past but it didn't make much difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:39

@HappyHedgehog247 Yes that's true, maybe I just have to grit my teeth, get on with sorting everything out, and expect its going to be a difficult six months/ year, but hopefully then he will be moved out.

We are in a house with enough space for us all at the moment, so it wouldn't really make sense for the dc and I to move out. DH will have to move into a smaller place.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 10/12/2023 09:41

From the way you describe him l definitely think you will have to take charge and do everything yourself to move him out, but it will be worth it to have your space and peace of mind. I would tell him from now on you are considering yourselves to be separated but just temporarily under the same roof. Don't wait until summer, hes just procrastinating and might keep on doing that. Stop doing things for him and start looking for a place for him to live. If he isn't working can he actually afford to move out and rent somewhere?

Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 09:43

Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:20

After years of agonising over do I stay or do I go - I have finally decided to leave my marriage of 19 years. Background of a lot of ups and downs, challenging life circumstances, and DH having ongoing anxiety, depression and a few mental breakdowns. We have three dc. I have put 100% into working on myself and the marriage, and have just come to the realisation that I cannot live like this any more.

I have had quite a few conversations about this with my DH - he has also known for years that things have been difficult between us, but was happy to bury his head in the sand and just keep plodding on for the rest of our lives. He's agreed to move out as we both think that would be better for the dc rather than me moving out.

The problem is that he is depressed, and to be honest his actual personality has always seemed low energy and depressed. He has been off sick from work with stress for 6 months and just lies around the house all day. He has said that he will move out next summer after one of our dc's exams. I do think that that would be a good time, but I feel so stressed out by him being around all the time.

I feel guilty as I know he is not feeling good, but to be honest, he has been like this on and off for our whole relationship. He's only ever worked part time and has barely done anything at home over the years.

I also feel frustrated as I want to move on, look at how we're going to manage our finances, we need to get a new car, sort stuff out, but any time I suggest anything it's like he looks pained, says something like "oh I don't know, I'll think about it" and then goes to lie down.

I'm just worried that he's never going to move out, as he can't seem to face anything or motivate himself to do anything. This is not just about us splitting up, he has always been like this about everything.

I totally understand that it wasn't his choice to split up and understandably he is going to have a lot of emotions coming up, but I have supported him and lived with the stress of our relationship for so long and I just want to move on. I suggested yesterday that maybe in January he could go to stay with a friend or family for a while to give us some space. (He would be able to do this as he's not working at the moment, whereas I'm working so I can't). He looked really hurt and said "You just want to kick me out don't you, you can't wait to get rid of me".

I just don't know how to handle this - I want to be respectful and empathic towards him, but equally I am aware how stressed I feel with this situation and want to move on and sort stuff out! I just feel that I'm going to have to organise everything for this to happen as well as working, looking after dc and running a home, while dh lies on the sofa, looks hurt and keeps putting obstacles in my way.

Help!

Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very difficult. I'm going through something similar It doesn't really help you but what I've learned is It's much harder leaving someone that isn't financially independent. Have you considered how he would be? I'm guessing if he isn't working he'd be going on universal credit?

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:44

I feel really guilty as he just seems so sad. He doesn't have a support network really - he doesn't have a close relationship with his mum or brother, and he seems to have lost most of his friends over the years. He's only got a couple now that he sees occasionally.

He loves spending time with the dc, especially our daughter, watching TV with them, or going on a walk. He's said to me that he's heartbroken he won't be living full time with the dc any more.

I just feel that I think he's going to be sitting all alone most of the time in his new place.

But I guess I'm not responsible for him, I keep having to remind myself of that!

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 10/12/2023 09:45

I don’t understand why you’re waiting for the summer though? Are you genuinely saying your child will do better in this atmosphere in their exams than if this is all sorted? As long as there’s the finances to do it he can move into a rental place asap! He could be out by January 2nd! That’s a long time until exams…

TheCadoganArms · 10/12/2023 09:48

Not much to add but just want to say well done you. Certainly not an easy decision but you deserve happiness. Good luck.

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:48

Re the finances - he is currently receiving sick pay from an insurance policy he had. I don't know how long he will receive this. If it runs out, he will have to go back to work - he's said he doesn't want to, but would be prepared to if he has to. I've asked him to look at universal credit, or anything else he may be entitled to, but again, he just won't do it, so I will have to do it for him.

OP posts:
Cumberbiatch · 10/12/2023 09:52

I've been there OP, and I really regret the long period between deciding to separate and actually moving out. My ex was completely unmotivated and said he was looking for a place, but just didn't, so I went (and left DH in a 4 bedroom house whilst the 2 kids and I moved into a 2 bedroom place. Aaargh!) It was hard for a while but such a relief- I hadn't really realised how infectious sadness can be. DC and I were so much lighter and happier in our new house.

Looking back, I think the period between deciding to separate and actually physically doing it was bad for my ex- Every day, he'd have to face me, the woman who didn't want to be with him any more, and the DC he'd no longer see daily. It just reminded him of what was to come and filled his days with dread.

I'd try and get him out asap. With kindness, yes, but be firm too- try to take the emotion out of it.

Darkandstormynite · 10/12/2023 09:52

Who owns the house? If it's co-owned and he gets legal advice he may change his mind about moving out. He'd have a legal right to stay.

Are you prepared in this situation to move out instead?

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:54

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister this is exactly it - I would like DH to move out in January. I do think the dc may be aware of everything (we don't argue in front of them but there's no affection, fun etc). He keeps saying that he is thinking of the kids and wants to wait till the summer. I actually think they won't be as affected by him moving out as he thinks.

But the problem is that he seems so sad and bewildered that I don't feel I can tell him to leave before the summer.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 10/12/2023 09:58

You are not responsible for him and you are doing much more than you have to. Has he ever been to the doctor to get help for the depression?

Speak to a solicitor. 6 months is a long time but make sure everything is in place. Can you do divorce proceedings with him in the house? So come next summer when he leaves it’s all over and you are free of him.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2023 09:58

I have supported him and lived with the stress of our relationship for so long and I just want to move on. I suggested yesterday that maybe in January he could go to stay with a friend or family for a while to give us some space. (He would be able to do this as he's not working at the moment, whereas I'm working so I can't). He looked really hurt and said "You just want to kick me out don't you, you can't wait to get rid of me".

You need to tell him exactly what you’ve said here:

‘I’ve supported you and lived with the stress of our relationship for so long and now we’ve decided to separate I do just want to move on now. Nothing gets better the longer we leave it. I need some space, and you need to start to make steps for a life when you’re not living here.’

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 09:59

@Cumberbiatch Sorry you had to go through something similar. It's so bloody difficult!

"Looking back, I think the period between deciding to separate and actually physically doing it was bad for my ex- Every day, he'd have to face me, the woman who didn't want to be with him any more, and the DC he'd no longer see daily. It just reminded him of what was to come and filled his days with dread." I really get what you mean, I think DH is feeling exactly like this. I think it would be better to just get on with it rather than hanging around, and prolonging the painful feelings.

So glad that things have worked out for you, and you and the dc are happier in your new house.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/12/2023 10:02

You can tell him that the summer is a red herring and it’s not going to do anyone any good if the atmosphere at home is unhappy. Tell him you are at the stage where you cannot compartmentalise your emotions for the greater good so if he cares for the children then the split needs to happen sooner.

You seem to think you owe him something he won’t give you - that you are the one who should change/compromise/adapt. You’ve given him years - decades. New year, new beginning.

Original poster
Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 10:04

@Darkandstormynite the house is owned by both of us. When I initially suggested the separation, I suggested that we sell the family home and both of us move into two smaller places. He really doesn't want to sell the family home right now, as a) he wants the dc to stay here and not be disrupted, and b) he doesn't think it's a good time to put the house on the market.

We then agreed that I stay with the dc in the family home as I am more hands on with them day to day, and can cope with the running of the house.

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 10/12/2023 10:08

Cherryandlime · 10/12/2023 10:04

@Darkandstormynite the house is owned by both of us. When I initially suggested the separation, I suggested that we sell the family home and both of us move into two smaller places. He really doesn't want to sell the family home right now, as a) he wants the dc to stay here and not be disrupted, and b) he doesn't think it's a good time to put the house on the market.

We then agreed that I stay with the dc in the family home as I am more hands on with them day to day, and can cope with the running of the house.

But do you have a plan B if he changes his mind?

Things can change quickly when reality starts to bite and solicitors get involved.

You may end up living together all the way through the divorce until the house sell if he has no means to support himself once his payments stop.

Darkandstormynite · 10/12/2023 10:13

Also, if he cannot work he may be awarded a great share of the marital assets if he can prove need. If he gets a solicitor they could advise him of this and his need to stay put in the house.

Sorry to be a doom and gloom merchant but a simple plan can get very complex very quickly when one party doesn't want what's coming.

You need to get some legal advice so you know your position and steel yourself for what's ahead.

ValerieDoonican · 10/12/2023 10:14

I think you might have to rethink selling up. A bad time to sell could be a good time to buy (I'm not an estate agent though!). But more to the point, bynot selling the houseyou are really stuck.

His reasons for not selling may be sincerely held but they are also a handy way for him of kicking the can down the road and in the meantime doing nothing.

I don't think moving house will be the worst thing for the kids. And it will start a process in motion.

(Also it isn't clear he can afford his own home otherwise? And then he would be at the mercy of the rental market which seems unfair - and more pragmatically, see him homeless and back at your door.)

ValerieDoonican · 10/12/2023 10:19

...unless you were planning to buy him out)rent somewhere for him? Second the advice to talk to a solicitor about the options here.

He probably ought to go bacck to work, albeit in a less stressful role, for his own benefit. Lying around on the sofa is a symptom of depression but it isn't a treatment afaik.

WinterParakeets · 10/12/2023 10:22

ValerieDoonican · 10/12/2023 10:19

...unless you were planning to buy him out)rent somewhere for him? Second the advice to talk to a solicitor about the options here.

He probably ought to go bacck to work, albeit in a less stressful role, for his own benefit. Lying around on the sofa is a symptom of depression but it isn't a treatment afaik.

^^This.

He needs to activate himself and sofa-lounging work cure him ever. A less stressful job, maybe one with some physical activity involved, would be a good start.