Separating from depressed DH

[Cherryandlime]

After years of agonising over do I stay or do I go - I have finally decided to leave my marriage of 19 years. Background of a lot of ups and downs, challenging life circumstances, and DH having ongoing anxiety, depression and a few mental breakdowns. We have three dc. I have put 100% into working on myself and the marriage, and have just come to the realisation that I cannot live like this any more.

I have had quite a few conversations about this with my DH - he has also known for years that things have been difficult between us, but was happy to bury his head in the sand and just keep plodding on for the rest of our lives. He's agreed to move out as we both think that would be better for the dc rather than me moving out.

The problem is that he is depressed, and to be honest his actual personality has always seemed low energy and depressed. He has been off sick from work with stress for 6 months and just lies around the house all day. He has said that he will move out next summer after one of our dc's exams. I do think that that would be a good time, but I feel so stressed out by him being around all the time.

I feel guilty as I know he is not feeling good, but to be honest, he has been like this on and off for our whole relationship. He's only ever worked part time and has barely done anything at home over the years.

I also feel frustrated as I want to move on, look at how we're going to manage our finances, we need to get a new car, sort stuff out, but any time I suggest anything it's like he looks pained, says something like "oh I don't know, I'll think about it" and then goes to lie down.

I'm just worried that he's never going to move out, as he can't seem to face anything or motivate himself to do anything. This is not just about us splitting up, he has always been like this about everything.

I totally understand that it wasn't his choice to split up and understandably he is going to have a lot of emotions coming up, but I have supported him and lived with the stress of our relationship for so long and I just want to move on. I suggested yesterday that maybe in January he could go to stay with a friend or family for a while to give us some space. (He would be able to do this as he's not working at the moment, whereas I'm working so I can't). He looked really hurt and said "You just want to kick me out don't you, you can't wait to get rid of me".

I just don't know how to handle this - I want to be respectful and empathic towards him, but equally I am aware how stressed I feel with this situation and want to move on and sort stuff out! I just feel that I'm going to have to organise everything for this to happen as well as working, looking after dc and running a home, while dh lies on the sofa, looks hurt and keeps putting obstacles in my way.

Help!

@Darkandstormynite thanks, yes it's good to be prepared for everything.

I mentioned to DH that either I or we both go to see a solicitor, but he really didn't want to and seemed angry at the suggestion. He said he really doesn't want solicitors involved. I don't know if he's worried they might say to him that he would have to go back to work.

Tbh he has a much higher earning capacity than me due to the career he was in, so if things got tricky, I suppose it would depend on if he can prove that he won't be able to work again due to his mental health.

I wouldn't mind at all if I'm the one that moved out, but I'm just not sure if that would be good for the dc. The house we are currently in requires a lot of maintenance and has a big garden which I struggle to manage alone. Personally, I would probably find it easier to be in a smaller, more convenient property, but both DH and I thought that it is best for me to stay here with the dc for around 6 years (that's when the youngest will turn 18), as they are settled here.

It seems he has no intention of moving out. You can see that right? He gets hurt when you say about him leaving in January? He doesn’t want the house put on the market. He doesn’t want to go through with divorce but rather than put any effort in he’ll just hope you give up and put up with him.

Have you ever seen that Rick and morty episode where Rick tells Jerry what he truly is- a parasite. He hooks women in by being pathetic and useless, making them feel sorry for him. Then they feel bad leaving him because hes
not violent/agressive/unfaithful and he’s so helpless. That’s what you have- a lazy, pathetic parasite.

@AluckyEllie oh god - yes I can definitely see similarities in that description. 🙈 I do feel so sorry for him, and he does seem helpless. This is why it's taken so many years for me to get to this point.

But I am 100% sure I'm going through with this.

Over our conversations over the past few weeks, DH has accused me of being selfish and aggressive by saying I want to separate. This would normally make me back down, as I hate the thought that I am hurting anyone, but this time I am not backing down.

You can't see a solicitor together, that's not how it works.

The solicitor represents the interests of their client (singular). Going together would be a conflict of interest.

A solicitor won't tell him to get a job but may say he either needs to get a doctors certificate to prove incapacity to work or advise him to get a low stress job. He doesn't have to get a job though and can take his chances with a court if he has sufficient evidence.

I think given what you've said it's very unlikely he will move out and will just play for time. Regardless of what he says about keeping the house for the children, it seems like he's just prolonging the timeframe. He may also not be mentally well enough to deal with what's going on and unable to take in what's happening.

If you want to divorce it sounds like you're going to have to do the heavy lifting and start thinking as a single person.

Book an appointment on your own, get a plan together and get the ball rolling to get the house sold, divide the marital assets and move on with your life.

Cherryandlime

re an earlier comment you made re your H:
"I've asked him to look at universal credit, or anything else he may be entitled to, but again, he just won't do it, so I will have to do it for him".

Why?

No you do not have to do this for him. Leave him to do that or not on his own. He is an adult with agency and you are not his mother. He is not as helpless as he makes out to be. You are not responsible for him when all is said and done and enabling him only gives you a false sense of control. I think he's opted out of his life and manipulated you throughout your marriage into feeling this sorry for him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat "You are not responsible for him when all is said and done and enabling him only gives you a false sense of control. I think he's opted out of his life and manipulated you throughout your marriage into feeling this sorry for him."

I've become aware over the past few years that I have got "enabling" tendencies. I've really been trying to work on this, and would never get into another relationship like this again! But the challenge right now is how to extricate myself from this pattern within my marriage, bearing in mind we have dc together and will have to co parent, and if DH is struggling and unable to cope, the dc will also be affected. I have picked up the pieces for so long, I just don't know how he'll manage alone, but maybe he will just have to get on with it.

Yes, I agree that he has opted out of life. It's easy for him at the moment, and it would be much more challenging for him if we separate, which is why he doesn't want to.

@Darkandstormynite "You can't see a solicitor together, that's not how it works."
Oh, I didn't know that! I think maybe that's why my DH is resistant to the idea, he thinks that seeing solicitors makes the whole thing adversarial, but I was actually thinking it would just help us to sort things out practically.

"Book an appointment on your own, get a plan together and get the ball rolling to get the house sold, divide the marital assets and move on with your life."

That's good advice. I somehow need to detach from my feelings of responsibility and guilt, and not keep considering his feelings otherwise we will never move forward.

Re DH's housing for those pps who were wondering - we are going to come into a bit of money in January/ February, which he would use to buy a new place. However by the time he has found somewhere (or I have found somewhere!) and it has all gone through, we are looking at the summer.

That was the original plan anyway, but based on advice from pps, I am now thinking that I will go to see a solicitor. I am trying to keep things amicable between DH and I, and I am sure he will be upset/angry if I do this though.

Is it unreasonable of me to ask that in the meantime he moves out in January and rents somewhere while everything is sorted out? I know it's so expensive to do this, but I just don't think I can handle living with him for much longer. Or should I move out and rent somewhere? It's just that I am much more engaged with the dc, so don't really want to leave them, especially with exams coming up for one of them.

@Cherryandlime I think the advice is always to not move out. I have been going through a separation and have found that focusing on the future is a good way of keeping the stress down - this time will be very challenging but you can do it and have a brighter future to look forward to!

100% this, any solicitor would advise him not to leave the marital home ( he is legally entitled to live there after all)

You've had some brilliant advice on here op, I'd just like to add that it's important to be prepared for your forlorn, helpless, dh to do a complete 180 once he realises you are serious about splitting. I had a sad, pathetic parasite of a man that turned into an angry, spiteful monster once he realised it was truly over. Get your ducks in a row, get copies of all bank statements, financial documents, etc before you start the ball rolling. Have a plan B to move you and dc put if he refuses to leave. Don't count on him being docile and meek once the shit hits the fan.

@Silverstoat that's awful, I'm sorry to hear your DH was like that. I'm worried that could happen with my DH too. Thanks for the advice.

I would sell the house. Could you buy a smaller one and the same area? Or smaller garden etc? That way he has to leave because the house is being sold, you have a massive declutter and start somewhere fresh and new. Also, if it needs lots of work and has a big garden it will need a lot of maintenance and upkeep which won’t be want you need with kids needing support/getting used to your new life.

That sounds so difficult for you OP. Do you think the children would be also happier if he moved out? It must be so stifling for all of you living with someone so miserable and low energy for so long.

He needs to go in January he is not adding anything it sounds exhausting for everyone

Well it looks like some of you were right about DH not actually planning to move out!😔

We've had quite a few conversations over the past couple of days about it. Basically he was really upset, angry, and almost seemed like he couldn't cope with even thinking about it. He was saying things like he would only move into a certain type of house (basically describing something completely unrealistic for our budget), kept saying that I shouldn't rush him and he needed time. He was crying about not being able to see the dc all the time, and leaving the house he loves. He kept telling me that our dc will be heartbroken and that we need to tell them that it's my choice to break up the family, not his.

I am coming to the realisation thar I may have to be the one that moves out (as some of you rightly thought might happen!)

I can borrow some money from a family member so would probably be able to afford somewhere with enough space for me and dc. So basically, DH could stay in the family home for a few years, until our youngest turns 18. In the meantime, I would have a place where hopefully they would spend 50% of the time. Financially it would be very tight, but just about doable.

Our should I force the sale of the family home, and we both move into new places?

The advantage of the first solution is that the dc would not be too disrupted, and the "break up" would seem more manageable. But I am worried that the dc might feel like I am moving out of the family home and leaving them.

The second solution would mean a clean break, but I know DH would make things very difficult and cause so much stress for everyone. Also, it could take ages to sort everything out.

I feel really sad about all this. I am going to see a solicitor but I think it will have to be after Christmas. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this situation in the meantime!

Have a clean as a financial break as possible you have to prioritise yourself and see a solicitor as soon as possible - make the appointment now, they get really busy after Christmas (lots of couples decide to divorce over Christmas). Get your finances in order.

Act amicably as you can, but don't mistake his lack of oomph for being amicable - it's just as bad as someone being directly adversarial in making this difficult for you.

I got therapy early in my divorce.

My therapist would keep asking ‘what do you want?’ and I would keep answering ‘DH wants/DHthinks/DH says’. I detect from your posts that you are similarly stuck in this mindset. Your DH is no longer your friend and you will need to be hard hearted to do what you must do.

First off I would suggest trying to carve out some separate spaces in your current home. If he wants a lie down, he goes to his own bedroom. If you have a private space for yourself, you can escape him. Personally I wouldn’t delay telling your children. Not doing it will make your life considerably harder. Take the blame if need be. The kids will know different in time.

Ref selling your home - talk to an estate agent, don’t listen to him if he says it’s a bad time to sell (unless he’s an estate agent). As long as you sell and buy at the same time, it doesn’t matter so much whether it’s at the top or bottom of the housing market.

Go look at rentals online, this may be the breathing space you need while you keep the DC in the same schools, and market your house.

If your DH says you are being selfish, forget the need to defend yourself, it doesn’t matter what he says or thinks. Say yes I am being selfish (for once). Remind him that it will be entirely within his power how much he sees the DC, it is not your responsibility.

Ref solicitor, this is a must. Divorces can be DIY if everything is simple. My ex said using a solicitor was adversarial, this was just him trying to make me do things his way. He quickly became very angry. We lived in the same house for 8 months (no DC at home) and he made my life a misery. I only went into the kitchen if I knew he was out of the house. When I finally moved out, my only regret was not doing it sooner. The relief was unbelievable.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be civilised. Your opposite wants will make it difficult to remain amicable. As others have said, when he realises this will not go away, he may turn on you.

Imagine yourself as a snowplough on a route A to B. You can’t stop to offer diversionary lifts to waifs and strays standing in your way (your Dh). You don’t need to crush them, just ignore them and keep moving forward.

100% force the sale of the house and both get new properties. Why should he live there like lord of the manor not even working/working part time. Also, you say it needs a lot of maintenance and work put into it which he wouldn’t do- it will get into worse disrepair and sell for less. Definitely don’t leave the family home.

Get your friends and family onside and let them know about the situation. Anyone practical who can keep you going when it gets tough? Do you have a good family and friend support network?

Can you sell the house and then borrow money from that relative to stay in the area? Do you earn a fair wage?

You are not responsible for what he feels or how his life is post split. He is. He is taking no responsibility. It’s pathetic.

@Isheabastard thanks for the advice, it sounds like your DH was similar. That must have been so hard living together for 8 months after you decided to split.

"Your opposite wants will make it difficult to remain amicable." That's a good point. I have been doing everything I can to remain amicable, but I think I need to face the fact that when reality hits DH he will probably get very angry.

@AluckyEllie yes luckily I do have good friends and family support, and they all know about the situation.

I can afford to stay in the area - if we don't sell the family home then I would borrow money from a relative to help me buy a place and then I would pay them back once we sell the family house. Or if we sell the family house now, I would use my share of the equity to buy a place.

Re my DH staying in the family home - I would support this option if I thought it was better for the dc ie their lives wouldn't be as disrupted. I just don't know if that's better for them or not. I was thinking that they will have to cope with the shock of hearing their parents are splitting up, and I'm moving out - at least this way they wouldn't have to cope with losing their current home too.

It's a difficult decision to make!

I split with XH for similar reasons. Moody, depressed, apathetic..took it out on me. When I said I wanted to split, he agreed and then spent what I can only describe as two days ‘crying at me’. I walked into the room, he cried. Commented that I wasn’t very emotional (no, I’d cried when he froze me out and ignored me). We were lucky he had family he could stay with. I honestly spent a fortnight sighing with relief that he wasn’t there any more!
Call and book your solicitor appointment tomorrow. I did a similar timeline and didn’t get in until January anyway. I’d be very wary of moving out yourself and leaving him there, especially til the kids have left. Having shared assets hanging over you isn’t ideal. Clean break is better. I’d also be worried about him neglecting your home in his current state. Far more difficult to sell a neglected house. What if he loses his job and can’t pay the mortgage? If you’re still on it but living elsewhere you’d be liable for costs?!
Are you willing to share about the money coming in..is it in one name or joint? I shared an inheritance and my solicitor said if I hadn’t, XH wouldn’t have been entitled to it. If it’s coming to you, you could use that money to buy him out. I do think you need to be proactive. If he’s as catatonic as he sounds, he will just leave it ongoing.

I do get what you are saying regarding the change in your children’s life but may it be easier for a ‘clean split.’ You separate and both are living in new houses straight away but you at least will be in a similar area. And like you said- you don’t want it to seem as you have left them by leaving the family home when he hasn’t.

Life is going to change for them but as you said in a previous post they may not be affected as much as he thinks. You say he goes for walks with them and watches tv but does he do much else? How old are they?

I hope it all goes to plan for you, it will be a horrible 6 months but just imagine- next Christmas in a new house. Your own space. Everything how you want it and no moany moping bloke whinging around 😂

He loves spending time with the dc, especially our daughter, watching TV with them, or going on a walk. He's said to me that he's heartbroken he won't be living full time with the dc any more.

I can understand that, but there's so much more to parenting than sitting with the dc watching films. Who has been buying their school uniform, giving them emotional support, working to buy them food and put a roof over their heads? Taking them to clubs, doing all the child admin?

I just feel that I think he's going to be sitting all alone most of the time in his new place.

If he does, that will be his choice. You are not his support human. It doesn't sound like he has been meeting your needs for years.

But I guess I'm not responsible for him, I keep having to remind myself of that!

You're not. He's responsible for his own actions.

It does sound very hard for you, op. I can see why you are feeling conflicted, but it sounds as if your h could have done an awful lot more to help himself.

The support has all been going one way. You deserve more.

I think it would be best to ask him to move out after Xmas. A clean break for everyone. Much better than this limping on until the summer.

💐