Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He never gave a damn, did he?

31 replies

ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 21:18

I am so confused. Need some advice badly. I started talking to a man online just over one year ago via twitter of all places. He followed me and almost immediately he was in my DMs with the flattering comments and compliments. This was a long distance friendship but we seemed to hit it off instantly and started chatting most days, pretty much all day every day whenever possible. He says he has been single all the time and I had an on and off FWB which he knew about.
As time passed I started to develop feelings and he said he felt the same, very heavy on the compliments and saying how much he cared, how he saw us as long term and we made plans to meet. The plans to meet never happened and he gave reasons why we couldn’t meet ie his work schedule, because he has had health problems and also because he is a carer for his elderly mother.. this would then be followed by days of silence for no reason, posting online but completely ignoring my messages and snapping and calling me paranoid when I tried to raise it with him. He also followed a lot of beautiful women online who post pictures of themselves wearing very little, but called me insecure for having a problem with this, saying social media is fake and again giving me the silent treatment for raising it.
Eventually after months of phone calls, continued hot and cold behaviour, more periods of silence he told me he loved me and had been scared of how he felt because of how he had been hurt in the past. All was wonderful for a couple of weeks, we planned to meet up again but this week, totally out of the blue after another week of silence he replied to my message asking how things were to say he can’t meet because of his health, his mum, his stress and his family has to come first and that’s that. No kisses on the final message, no talk that maybe we can meet when things pick up in future. I understand he has to care for his mum and of course she comes first, but tonight he’s posted online that he’s gone on a lads’ night out.
He never had any intentions of meeting me at all did he, I was never anything other than an ego boost, an escape from his shitty mundane life. I know this but God it hurts.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m in my 40s but have never known pain and hurt like this before. Feel a complete fool

OP posts:
FizzyLaser · 09/12/2023 21:19

Name and shame

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 21:21

Possibly a catfish

BeeCucumber · 09/12/2023 21:25

At least (I presume) he didn’t ask you for money. He wasn’t real and his intentions were not kind. You will feel better about him soon and you will feel glad that you dodged a bullet.

category12 · 09/12/2023 21:28

The whole thing is a lie.

I'd be surprised if he doesn't try to get in touch again, though. Don't get sucked back in.

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 22:24

There's something not legit/real about him.

Most men would meet up with a woman ... If only to get sex.

Yet he hasnt followed through on meeting up even once (?) Over months.

Have you video called him in clear light?

I'm wondering if he's definitely the same person as in the SM.

It's quite odd for a random stranger to follow someone's twitter too.

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 22:26

Has he ever asked for any financial help? Even small scale?

Is his accent British on phone calls?

Even if he's not a cat fish scammer ... Maybe he's still a catfish. Using someone else's pics cause he's much less attractive. Using someone else's SM. Or maybe he's attached.

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 22:32

In your account, he actually hits every point for a romance scammer.

Except that - presumably - he hasn't asked for anything, his accent is British on the phone (?) and you've seen him clearly in video calls & he matches up with any photos on his SM.

OhpoorMe · 09/12/2023 22:33

FizzyLaser · 09/12/2023 21:19

Name and shame

Why would op name and shame some random person?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2023 22:33

Don’t feel like a fool
you are hurting enough already

but I’ve met guys like this
basically deep down insecure and like having the attention
and maybe lying 🤥
maybe he doesn’t look like his photos
maybe attached

you’ll never find out and he’s stressing you and wasting your valuable energy

Nearlythere80 · 09/12/2023 22:35

You've had a lucky escape OP

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/12/2023 22:37

I'd be very surprised if he's not a catfish!

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 22:38

You stuck with a catfish for a year without meeting and got far too invested. Give your head a wobble. Relationships happen by meeting.

Original poster
ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 22:43

To be clear. He has never asked for money or hinted of wanted financial assistance.
I have spoken to him over the phone and on FaceTime and yes he has a British accent. I have no reason to doubt he is who he says he is.
My question was more in connection with his silent/hot and cold treatment and how he responds to me questioning his behaviour than having any doubts regarding his identity.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:48

You've dodged a bullet
You deserve so so much more

This man is an utter cockwomble, and clearly has a load of issues

You - and probably others- are just a distraction from his sad little life

Delete, block, don't let him back in

Hold your head up high, have a day with some wine and pampering tomorrow and just think fuck you whenever he pops into mind
Knobspangle

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 23:03

ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 22:43

To be clear. He has never asked for money or hinted of wanted financial assistance.
I have spoken to him over the phone and on FaceTime and yes he has a British accent. I have no reason to doubt he is who he says he is.
My question was more in connection with his silent/hot and cold treatment and how he responds to me questioning his behaviour than having any doubts regarding his identity.

Ok, it's truly very weird then.

I'd wonder if he's actually single.

Or perhaps he was but now isn't.

But It doesn't fit that he wouldn't once prioritise seeing a woman he was into and was in lots of communication with etc.
As I said, even just for sex.

Original poster
ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 23:10

apologies if my original OP wasn’t clear. This man has never asked me for money, or any kind of assistance. He is definitely British, I have spoken to him over the phone and by video call on numerous occasions over the last year. I have him on various social media platforms, everything he has told me about who he is, where he lives and works checks out.
it is his behaviour in terms of acting inconsistent, hot and cold, long periods of silence followed by declarations of love and feeling afraid as he has been badly hurt in the past that I was asking about. This is the behaviour that has left me bereft and confused. Feel completely lost where I stand with him and why, as only last week he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted us to be together in the new year followed by a complete change of heart that has totally broken my heart

OP posts:
Tilllly · 09/12/2023 23:17

He's a player, don't try to figure it out

Grendell · 09/12/2023 23:21

Please submit to the Catfish television show so they can research.

Seaoftroubles · 09/12/2023 23:33

OP, you never met him though. There is a reason that this never happened, its much more likely that his so called sick mother is really his wife or partner. Men like this get a kick out of reeling women in and building intimate connections. It's a manipulative game to them, hence the hot / cold treatment and intermittent reinforcement. He's a player who will no doubt be back for more game playing after a period of giving you the silent treatment. Please block him, he was never sincere and has wasted enough of your time.

Jamjaris · 10/12/2023 00:09

He has no intention of meeting you as he has no interest in taking anything further. The reason he goes cold on you is because it gets too real I.e you pressing him to meet up and all he is after is a long distance ego boost that he won’t ever run into. He is wasting your time and stringing you along, you can be anybody online so don’t think for a moment you know the real person behind the keyboard.
There are many weirdos online that will persistently message you, a lot of people would get annoyed and block them and the ones that don’t will get love bombed until they start to believe in the fairytale. Once you have feelings they have to punish you for wanting more I.e meeting irl and will go cold and then after you get really upset and feel you have done something wrong they blow hot again. It’s cat and mouse and endless entertainment for them not nice for you though.
Block and delete

Nevernot2 · 10/12/2023 00:20

He's playing games. Run.

FizzyLaser · 10/12/2023 03:38

OhpoorMe · 09/12/2023 22:33

Why would op name and shame some random person?

Show quote history

Because these shaggers are all over Twitter. Are often outed

he’d have had loads of them

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 04:51

I've been put through the hot and cold cycle in a number of different types of relationships, including dating and romantic ones.

Now that I understand the psychology of people that do this, the first time they do it now, I'm out. You've had a lucky escape. Hot and cold behaviour is designed to be manipulative and controlling. The way you are feeling now could also be by design. It isn't personal to you. It's the other person who has a problem. Normal people don't behave in this way.

Block him and don't look back. He will be back at some point and you'll just go another round with him. Don't engage.

A few years ago, I had a sort-of-almost relationship with a friend who I fell for. He was the master of hot and cold. Push and pull. Push me then pull away. Really liked me, then didn't want me.
At the time I was just confused and hurt which made me want him more. I was trying to figure it out.
When we finally did get together one night, he pulled the exact same stunt. Lured me into bed, then wouldn't engage in sex even though he was aroused.

I kid you not.

In retrospect, after some even more cruel behaviour, I realised it was just the way he operated. Either it was fun for him, or he just had to hurt me. I'm not the first and won't be the last. I wish I'd never met him because of how much it f'd me up. I'm sorry this happened to you....but...Don't waste any more time on this loser!

Ladyof2022 · 10/12/2023 05:15

He did not steal your money, but he has stolen and awful lot of your precious time, energy, and in some ways that is worse as you will never get that time back. I am really sorry to say this but you have been played. You should have ended this the second time he declined to meet. It seems perfectly obvious to me and many others that this man is married full stop what an utter bastard he has been to you. You need to block him and forget him.

littlebopeepp234 · 10/12/2023 06:18

So he followed you on twitter and instantly started with heavy compliments and love bombing

He then was in constant contact all day every day

He then started to go quiet and disappear for days and ignore your messages while he was active on twitter and posting content

He kept making excuses not to meet you then after messing you about came back to tell you he loves you!

He also follows lots of beautiful women who I bet he chats to as well… on those days he disappeared and was silent he was probably chatting to one or two of those women!

You haven’t met in person but have developed feelings for him - presumably due to his love bombing!

Yes he never really gave a damn about you! He sounds like a narcissistic fuck boy! Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like he does this to a lot of women. It’s just a game to him!