Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He never gave a damn, did he?

31 replies

ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 21:18

I am so confused. Need some advice badly. I started talking to a man online just over one year ago via twitter of all places. He followed me and almost immediately he was in my DMs with the flattering comments and compliments. This was a long distance friendship but we seemed to hit it off instantly and started chatting most days, pretty much all day every day whenever possible. He says he has been single all the time and I had an on and off FWB which he knew about.
As time passed I started to develop feelings and he said he felt the same, very heavy on the compliments and saying how much he cared, how he saw us as long term and we made plans to meet. The plans to meet never happened and he gave reasons why we couldn’t meet ie his work schedule, because he has had health problems and also because he is a carer for his elderly mother.. this would then be followed by days of silence for no reason, posting online but completely ignoring my messages and snapping and calling me paranoid when I tried to raise it with him. He also followed a lot of beautiful women online who post pictures of themselves wearing very little, but called me insecure for having a problem with this, saying social media is fake and again giving me the silent treatment for raising it.
Eventually after months of phone calls, continued hot and cold behaviour, more periods of silence he told me he loved me and had been scared of how he felt because of how he had been hurt in the past. All was wonderful for a couple of weeks, we planned to meet up again but this week, totally out of the blue after another week of silence he replied to my message asking how things were to say he can’t meet because of his health, his mum, his stress and his family has to come first and that’s that. No kisses on the final message, no talk that maybe we can meet when things pick up in future. I understand he has to care for his mum and of course she comes first, but tonight he’s posted online that he’s gone on a lads’ night out.
He never had any intentions of meeting me at all did he, I was never anything other than an ego boost, an escape from his shitty mundane life. I know this but God it hurts.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m in my 40s but have never known pain and hurt like this before. Feel a complete fool

OP posts:
GreenwichOrTwicks · 10/12/2023 07:11

Now that I understand the psychology of people that do this, the first time they do it now, I'm out. You've had a lucky escape. Hot and cold behaviour is designed to be manipulative and controlling. The way you are feeling now could also be by design. It isn't personal to you. It's the other person who has a problem. Normal people don't behave in this way.

This!!!!
I had similar but in RL and won’t let it happen again, however charming

LadyChilli · 10/12/2023 07:40

A year of excuses and being unable to meet! I understand that situations like this build up gradually and excuses given one at a time can seem reasonable until you start to put them all together but now you're seeing it please block him and don't let him back in. Otherwise you risk a situation where the cold spells become colder and more distant, with you being increasingly grateful when he breaks the silence or responds. It becomes like an addiction.

Original poster
ToastedTossers · 10/12/2023 10:15

Thanks everyone for your replies.

It’s definitely an addiction of sorts. Literally all I think about is either wondering what I’ve done wrong and when he’ll come round when he’s giving me the silent treatment, which is a regular thing, or when he’s being nice I can’t get anything done because he’s messaging constantly, falling over himself to tell me how much he wants to be with me, how I deserve to know how beautiful I am and he wants to be the one to make me happy.. nice words that no one has ever said to me before - shame it’s completely meaningless.

I have him on a few social media sites not just twitter, so I am confident from posts he’s made elsewhere and replies he has had that he isn’t married or in a relationship and that things he’s mentioned about his mum are true.

I know the simple answer is to block him. It just baffles me how someone can say one thing one day, then do something completely different the next, and how he’s gone from talking about us being together in new year to ‘sorry we can’t meet’ and complete radio silence. I can’t help wonder if he has narcissistic traits which is something I’ve been reading up a lot about over the last few months. I suppose it doesn’t matter now either way, he isn’t going to meet me for whatever reason, whether that’s genuinely down to luck, circumstance or as I said last night he’s bored and just looking to escape his life with no intention of following up on his plans. I need to block and move on and put this down to experience, as painful as it is.

OP posts:
Tonto37 · 10/12/2023 10:21

ToastedTossers · 09/12/2023 21:18

I am so confused. Need some advice badly. I started talking to a man online just over one year ago via twitter of all places. He followed me and almost immediately he was in my DMs with the flattering comments and compliments. This was a long distance friendship but we seemed to hit it off instantly and started chatting most days, pretty much all day every day whenever possible. He says he has been single all the time and I had an on and off FWB which he knew about.
As time passed I started to develop feelings and he said he felt the same, very heavy on the compliments and saying how much he cared, how he saw us as long term and we made plans to meet. The plans to meet never happened and he gave reasons why we couldn’t meet ie his work schedule, because he has had health problems and also because he is a carer for his elderly mother.. this would then be followed by days of silence for no reason, posting online but completely ignoring my messages and snapping and calling me paranoid when I tried to raise it with him. He also followed a lot of beautiful women online who post pictures of themselves wearing very little, but called me insecure for having a problem with this, saying social media is fake and again giving me the silent treatment for raising it.
Eventually after months of phone calls, continued hot and cold behaviour, more periods of silence he told me he loved me and had been scared of how he felt because of how he had been hurt in the past. All was wonderful for a couple of weeks, we planned to meet up again but this week, totally out of the blue after another week of silence he replied to my message asking how things were to say he can’t meet because of his health, his mum, his stress and his family has to come first and that’s that. No kisses on the final message, no talk that maybe we can meet when things pick up in future. I understand he has to care for his mum and of course she comes first, but tonight he’s posted online that he’s gone on a lads’ night out.
He never had any intentions of meeting me at all did he, I was never anything other than an ego boost, an escape from his shitty mundane life. I know this but God it hurts.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m in my 40s but have never known pain and hurt like this before. Feel a complete fool

This is the downside of OLD. It must be awful for you. I hope you never sent him any intimate photos. I know it's a cliché and it won't help you right now but all you can do it's dust yourself down and learn from it.

NoMadMum24 · 29/08/2025 19:29

Your story sounds almost identical to mine. Where was he from? PM me instead if you want.

smallsilvercloud · 29/08/2025 20:30

These kind of men are normally married/in a relationship and DM lots of women because they are sleeze bags, they don’t have intentions other than online attention.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page