What was your 'I need to leave this relationship' moment?

[spaceandstar]

I'm curious, because I'm scared I'm getting to.

I'm in love with DP still and he does have many great things about him - but we're at a place where I feel detached from each other.

Our parenting styles keep clashing (and there's been the odd argument in front of kids which I hate).
Our emotional styles are completely different. He can often come across really dismissive and detached from any of my emotional needs anyway.
The communication is terrible and I've brought it up multiple times but nothing ever changes.
I feel at this point if I'm totally honest that there's a lack of appreciation for each other in general, no matter what the other does (my flaw too).
I struggle with my SC.
Sex life is nonexistent.

I just panic that I'm getting older and my kids are getting older and I don't want to look back and think 'god, I wish I'd got out of that sooner, that dragged me down', but I also panic that I could hastily leave my children's dad who I am still in love with because of my fear of wasting my life.

Anyway, original question...

Probably not helpful as my exH was an abusive sociopath, and there were many many terrible things he did, but weirdly, the moment I knew I had to leave was when he threw a glass of water in my face. It wasn’t even the worst thing he had done. But yeah, that was it. I left two weeks later.

If you still love each other there may be something worth saving.

I'd say I'm similar to you OP but more I love dh, I'm not in love anymore. He's my best friend and we share so many in jokes, life experiences, hope and dreams. But we aren't aligned in achieving the dreams. I don't feel he's a team player, I don't feel he really thinks about me all that much. I don't know, I just want more but I don't know what that more is.
We had an awful row this past summer in front of the kids and at the time and for the following 2 weeks I knew we were done, the marriage was over, but somehow now we're just continuing on as before and nothing has changed we've just settled back down.
I'm pretty convinced there will be a final straw moment. I dont think this is it forever, and whilst I'm aware of the sunk costs fallacy, there still part of me that says we've been together so long, shared so much, shouldn't we stick it out?

I think once you're thinking like this .

However I also think that the mid match of how we express and talk about emotions is so common (as is described in men are from mars women are from Venus - really worth listening to with a partner on an audio book to pronto discussion) if you still love and respect him and think he still loves and respects you and would be willing to make changes and put effort in I'd try relationship counselling

Literally at this moment myself.
He asked me to check the weather and I used a website he doesn't normally use and it caused an argument and that is basically it.
It's something so small and not the worst thing that's ever happened but it's just so pathetic I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But then I wonder if the grass will be greener on the other side or just as shit here.

My moment was on holiday in Greece. I can’t even explain but I just didn’t want to be there with him. I wanted to get in a plane and fly home. For the whole fortnight, I slept on the sofa in the lounge and he slept with DS in the bedroom. It had been coming but that was my line in the sand.

We actually get on ok now. There’s 20+ years of shared history plus a DS who’s a young adult. I can’t now imagine being in a relationship with him but we will probably always be friends.

He came home pissed at 3am Sunday morning. We had planned to take the children to the zoo. He reluctantly got up early and off we went. He walked through the zoo 10 steps ahead of us. He didn't speak. We sat and had sandwiches on the grass, all the other dad's played with their kids. He just sat there, checked out. Turns out he was in a rush to go home to go out again that night. I knew we were done.

Like @Rainydays777 the breaking point for me was far from the worst thing he had done.

I came home from a 2 week work trip away. No greeting at the door, no hug or kiss hello, just smouldering resentment that I’d dared leave him to manage 2DC by himself (with extensive help from our nanny and my family).

I walked in the door at 7am after a 30 hour flight and gave the kids their presents - a Paddington bear from Paddington station for our 4 year old and a sarcophagus pencil case from the British Museum. I told them I would take a photo and he screamed at me “stop fucking around and get the kids dressed!”. At that moment I knew I was done.

I was only 41, I saw another 50 years of being treated like this, I saw my kids’ childhood being ruined by his rages and I could not tolerate it any more. I ended it 4 days later.

As per your fear, I wish I had got out earlier.

My husband gradually withdrew from our relationship, and life in general. He came home from work and just sat watching TV or looking at his phone, occasionally going to a game of football or golf. I cooked, cleaned, did all childcare activities, shopping, household admin, laundry, gardeing, literally everything. I was exhausted. He used to blank me when I spoke to him, and pretend he hadn't heard if I called him out on it. If I spoke more loudly he'd get angry. Then he was let go from his job and still did nothing around the house and no attempt to find a job for well over a year. His only task was to drop and collect our DC from school, as I was out of the house from 7-5.30 working. The final straw was when I got a call at work from the school asking why nobody had collected our son. Husband was napping. At that point I realised that it would be easier as a single parent and put plans in place to end it.

When a friend asked me if I still wanted to be in the same situation in 5 years time.

I have a thead running at the moment as I’m planning to leave.
I found out a couple of years back that dh had been looking at escort and hook up sites. He swore blind he hadn’t done anything and as I was such a mess I tried to forgive him. It’s festered and I’ve gradually lost love and respect for him.
It was a ridiculous thing that made me look again. I like tomato ketchup kept in the cupboard and have asked him not to put it in the fridge. He put it in the the fridge so when he came down from a shower I said in my sternest voice ‘I want a word with you’. His face dropped and his knees literally buckled, and the relief when I mentioned the ketchup was obvious.
I came down in the early hours of the next morning to check his phone (he had deleted the history but not the cookies) and lo and behold he’s still at it.
My ducks are being put in a row then I’m off.

Not mine but my mums was when she realised the only thing he did was wash up. And he did that only after being reminded a hundred times. My mum worked full time, did all the housework, cared for all of us, buzzed around taking us to hobbies and play dates, care for a child with a disability, did all paperwork, gardening etc. It like a dark cloud had been lifted from our house when he left. And my mum got herself a dishwasher!

I didn't look forward to seeing him anymore and we were only 2ish years in.

I feel your pain. You are not alone. I'm going through something very similar right now.
How would you be financially if it ended?

What was it like when things were good, and when did things start declining into it being bad?

This was a long time ago now, but for years my ex had been bullying me, among other things. I can't even remember why now, but something he said made me suddenly explode in anger, and I stood up to him in a way I never had before. That moment changed the power dynamic between us and I remember saying to him 'ha! I'm free of you!'. Obviously he tried to say the usual things 'that's what you think' etc, but something had shifted forever.

I was walking on air the day I moved into my flat as a single woman.

I just panic that I'm getting older and my kids are getting older and I don't want to look back and think 'god, I wish I'd got out of that sooner, that dragged me down',

I recognise that statement. Just don't leave it until it's too late, I'm one of those and it's so much harder now financially to leave, I'm kicking myself and he doesn't take me seriously because I haven't gone.

When I realised that I dreaded coming home from work before the kids were back from school so I could avoid spending time just the two of us.

When I started to go to bed and get up early to avoid spending time with them.

When I tried to talk about our relationship, poor communication and suggested counselling and it was all pushed away.

I'm still here ten years on, don't be like me.

I didn't want sex with him any more.
I felt he wouldn't care if I dropped dead.
I did absolutely everything while he just did whatever he wanted, hobbies etc.
He kept going on about wanting to go swinging.
He lived in my house for convenience only.
He couldn't hold down a job.
We'd been married for 20 years. It was only after he left and I had time to think I realised he had always been selfish and it wasn't a new thing - a classic sponger not a real partner in life trying his best for his family.
He refused to go to counselling.
Quite honestly I'd tell him how you feel when the kids are in bed and insist you go to counselling and if he refuses then tell him you will have to end it. This has got to be his wake up call or it will end.

How do you check cookies?

sorry he did that to you, what a twat!!

When planning to do a renovation in the house he told me the same weekend. "I don't give a fuck about it, do whatever you want " and hours later he told me "I never have a say, it is always what you want". For the records I didn't leave, he did it, I didn't want to leave my child without a father. He otherwise decided to have an affair and left, because of course I'm the evil incarnated.

My life is much lighter since he left and I have some clues about why I have stopped to feel like shit a few months ago.

It was my birthday, money was tight so wasn't expecting much. He gave me a bathroom storage rack. Which was in the sale!! On my actual birthday he spent all day cleaning the shed roof, no present or any contact. Two days later I kicked him out. 🤷‍♀️😂

With my kids dad it was many things but a few things that really made me want to leave were:

1. my sisters wedding my brother in law gushed about how amazing my sister was. I knew my partner couldn’t even think of one nice thing to say about me. Let alone stand in front of people and say it.
2. My dad was in intensive care in hospital and I went to see him every day after work - alone as my ex didn’t work but refused to ever come. I turned up there and BIL was there (they weren’t even married at this point) and he’d gone to see my dad without my sister even being there. Later that night I got home from a full days work and hospital to my ex on the sofa asking me what’s for dinner.
3. When Mother’s Day came around and he didn’t get anything til the day of when he walked down to the local gas station to buy some last minute crap. Ended up buying me some plant bulbs and then when he expected me to go straight out and plant them when I was tired from looking after the kids he turned around to the kids and said “isn’t your mummy so lazy”

But with my current ex, we have just split as I found out he doesn’t fancy me anymore (Google searches showed me, lovely.) I still love him so it’s a different type of feeling this time. I don’t want to leave but for my own dignity and self worth (which is on the floor) I have to.

This is sometimes what happens with such men. Some of them don't really think that far ahead and they're not calculating people, but some of them are and get cocky, thinking the woman will never leave. They think they're clever, putting their feet up, seeing their wife run around them doing everything.....but all they do is erase themselves out of the relationship. It's an own goal because the eventually the woman realises that's she's basically a single parent and leaves. The it's all tears on the man's side, but then it's too late.

The last straw was when I found out he had registered on online dating sites and paid for these services when he claimed he did not even have money to buy milk for kids. I saw these payments on his bank statements and created fame profile to check, he obviously took the bite and straight away started messaging me, in messages also denied having kids. When asked about this he kept on denying despite hard evidence against him but that moment I knew he has/will keep on lying about anything to save his skin. This was not even the only/worst thing he has done but killed any feeling I still had towards him before it.

Its taken a long time, due to multiple reasons, but finally very close to divorce being finalised. I guess the only regret is that I did not pack my bags and kids and leave at that moment. But in long term I needed a solid plan in place to survive which now has materialised.

The last straw was when we had a big argument in front of our son over my ex not wanting to go to a park that my son wanted to go to just in case he bumped into someone he knew. Just an example of his paranoia , there was loads of other stuff obvs but that was the actual day that I told him I wanted to separate.
I had been in limbo for a couple of years before hand and wasn't happy but I certainly didn't wake up that morning and plan to tell him it was over. It's so strange how just one more incident or disagreement can tip you over the edge.
Once I said it out loud, I didn't want to take it back so I stuck to it. We lived together but separately for about 2 months after that and then I moved out.