Fed up with having to facilitate ex seeing children and dreading Xmas.

[Whsthappensnow]

My ex husband was abusive. I try to be civil for the sake of the DC but the truth is breathing the same air as him is challenging and actually traumatic but I put on a brave face.

If I don't he either refuses to see the children or stops paying maintenance or both. He is constantly pleading poverty and lives in a house share he doesn't want the DC to see.

Recently he went for 5 weeks without seeing the children because he was depressed. He's living a mile away from us and has a good job.

When he sees the children he says he can't afford to feed them or take them out so most of the time I cave in, offer him food and let him play computer games with the children leaving me feeling on edge and uncomfortable in my own home.

After they have seen him the children are badly behaved and extremely unsettled. I don't know what to do.

He has 2 weeks off over Xmas. Didn't make any plans because he hasn't got any money. My Parents keep telling me I ought to let the kids see their dad but I'm fed up with him lurking like a bad smell and expecting me to take pity on him and I'm fed up with pretending everything is OK. Apparently he's even telling my mum he's going to try and win me back.

I'm feeling very stressed by the whole situation. I wanted to enjoy Xmas this year.

If I don't he either refuses to see the children or stops paying maintenance or both.

Just stop. Don't contact him. Get CSA on him for maintenance. Tell your parents to stop contacting him. If they don't, block them too. It's not always beneficial for children to have a relationship with both of their parents. Your job is to keep them safe, not to ensure their relationship with him.

Cms and stop trying to make him a df.. He is a twat. Simple as...

It's not benefiting the children. This arrangement just confuses them and makes them feel uneasy so I'd not bother. If he truly wanted to see them, he would fight for them.

Stop allowing him into your home.

How old are the kids? Do they want to see him?

If so, seeing as he lives locally, he can take them out - park, free local attractions, whatever. If you want contact supervised, is that something your parents could facilitate at their house?

You need CMS to make it harder for him to miss paying (if however when he does cough up, if it's more than the CMS require, you might want to think twice)

And have a schedule when he sees the DC or doesn't - you can't force him, so will need a series of treats for the DC to distract them if he lets them down.

Even shitty people can have depression, and it can make life difficult to cope with.

I've done a brief CMS calculation based on his previous salary before he got a payrise he told me about although I didn't ask how much.

So he pays me £400 per month and the CMS based on previous earnings is £298. I would struggle on the shortfall but I could make allowances for it.

I understand depression if it's genuine. I didn't feel it was. He said a Friend passing away triggered it but he hadn't seen them in 30 years so ignoring the DC for 5 weeks because of that didn't sit well with me.

I've had a tough time too but I feel like I just have to crack on.

I am treating the kids regularly and ensuring they have plenty to look forward to but it's also hard not to spoil them or bad mouth thier dad.

Your parents are his flying monkeys. Choose the CMS route. Stop facilitating his contact with the DC. His is your ex - he is not entitled to be in your home.

@VeganNugsNotDrugs

My daughter is 9. She's not that bothered. Sometimes he's been round and she's just disappeared into her room.

7 year old son thinks his dad is a hero no matter what he does and can't understand why I don't ask his dad to move in. He can do no wrong in his eyes.

We have lots of parks and free attractions nearby but weather isn't always on our side so I was looking for an alternative I hadn't thought of already.

Parents live rurally 15 miles away. I don't drive and Ex has old unreliable car. My stepfather is so unimpressed with the way I have been treated he doesn't want my ex in his house.

Ex's family have disowned him.

He does not get to be in your home.
That is you safe space.
If he wants to see the kids he has to find someplce appropriate to do so.
That is his responsibility... not yours.
You do not accommodate him.
You do not supply food or anything else when he has the kids.
That is his time.
For the sake of £111 a month you need to enforce these rules.
Eat more beans... whatever it takes.
Have strong boundaries, his 'mental health' is not your problem.

He's living in a house share and paying you £400 a month. He can afford to take his kids to the cinema or something.

Other options

• he can visit them at your parents home and she can feed them all if she's that keen . Or his parents if safe and appropriate.

• out at McDonalds - you take kids there with pocket money and then go to other shops and then collect them after they've eaten. Even better if a McDonalds in a supermarket so you can get your weekly shop done.

• library - would he meet there to read them

Books?

_ playground.

Just tell your ex it's not working having them in the house and you're doing decorating or cleaning or having friends over so he needs to pick one of these many options next time

The McDonald's idea works. Both of my local ones are on retail parks. I could easily lose myself in Dunelm for a bit. Last time we attempted this idea I said could you please take the kids to McDonald's. He turned up here with a takeaway.

I like the library idea. They have a lego club too on a Saturday. I'll suggest that.

That 100-odd quid covers the shortfall in my childcare costs not covered by my UC and half the costs of the DC's aftershock activities. I'm changing my work hours in the new year and won't have any childcare costs.

His parents live abroad that wouldn't work. My mum has previous for forcing relationships and being nice to everyone regardless but I would prefer it if she stayed out of it.

It sounds like it’s not the kids he wants to see but you and he wants to be able to exert some control. I’m struggling to see the benefits to your DC in them seeing him.
You do not have to host him and your DC will understand as they get older that it was their dads choice to see them or not. There’s plenty of places he could take them which don’t cost much or anything but he chooses not to.

You’re allowing him to control you by letting him in the house. Stop that now. If he turns up with a takeaway, he takes it to the park with the kids.

What the hell is wrong with your parents? Entertaining his bullshit when even his own parents don't?

Tell them you expect their loyalty. You're their daughter and he has abused you.

If he's paying you over the odds it could be that he's paid more than he's claiming?

Do your thing at Xmas. Be polite but firm.

Sounds like your DD isn't fussed but your son is younger and sees things in a different way. You're the safe parent and that's why kids can be grumpy with us. Small consolation!

Oh op, I really feel for you. I hate my ex loitering when he drops our DD off, in my mind I’m thinking please don’t take your shoes off😩

I would tell him it’s not working him seeing them at yours & he can take them out locally. Doesn’t have to cost, park, museum etc but stop the visits to yours.

If he stops seeing them then it’s on him, you’re not withholding contact.

@StarDolphins yes the bloody shoes thing! And also leaving things behind on purpose! Drives me nuts!

So I think DM still has a lot of guilt from when she left my dad. She is on a constant mission to always 'be the better person' I can't be arsed.

So re the finances, I don't question his because I'm not interested but I also don't want him questioning mine. I took the DC on quite an extravagant holiday in the summer and the ex is still slagging me off to friends about it because I didn't invite him. Also his cat lives with us because he can't have her where he is and I cover her costs mostly.

DS has slept in my bed for the past 2 nights and keeps saying things like 'don't you feel sorry for daddy because he's so lonely ' it's difficult to know how to respond. DD has asked me if she could stay home and write her Xmas cards instead of seeing thier dad today. The weather is hideous. I think the park might be out of the question.

I might offer him either Xmas day or boxing day and see what he says. I have to look after my mental health too. I struggled to find work after we separated. I have found a job I like in a great environment and they've just offered me a permanent contract but the job is physically and emotionally draining and this situation isn't helping.

Get a proper child maintenance claim. He will have to pay the amount plus a 20 % extra in fees. They will discount you a 4% in fees but that will solve one problem. If he doesn't know the above, please make sure he knows it.
I'm sure he will stop moaning if he knows he has to pay an extra 20%. Mine did.

Do not facilitate contact. Release yourself of that mental load. Book a mediation appointment that will cost you 200 quid and you will pay half and he other half. Get a parenting app that will register the visits and you will see how quick he stops to take the piss. Because that is what he is doing now, taking the piss.

@Epidote Would you or anyone else happen to know if we need to be officially divorced for this?

So he pays me £400 per month and the CMS based on previous earnings is £298. I would struggle on the shortfall but I could make allowances for it.

But he stops paying when he feels like it.

Overall would the CMS without the "breaks" not be not much less than what he's given you when he takes breaks.

He also uses it as a form of blackmail. The 100 reduction might be worth it to cut out the uncertainty & stress and blackmail.

because I didn't invite him

He's not quite grasping that he's a separated man, is he.

Why is he so broke when he's got a job, lives in a house share, doesn't pay his pet costs (you do) and pays 400 a month maintenance (and presumably not much else)?

He turned up here with a takeaway.

He wants to worm his way back in.

That's why he won't organise himself to do things independently with the kids. He's using them as an opportunity to work his way back in.

It's obvious in everything you've said.

Including the bizarre entitlement he feels re being included in your holidays.

He's clearly finding living in a house share not to his taste.

He's even said it straight to people; that he wants back with you.

If he finally realises it's not happening, I'd imagine he'll go on old and be highly motivated to find himself another lady to cock lodge with.

He's told me his salary is 22.5k
He pays 800 a month to rent a room. I have told him this is too much but he said he can't get anything else because his credit rating isn't good enough.

His landlady is his mate's mum.

I know he's actively looking for someone else and I'm not bothered in the slightest. He tried it on with one of the mum's at DD's birthday party and cancelled seeing the kids the following week after she let him down.

He works quite a way from where we live and it's not accessible by public transport. He says most of his cash goes on running his car but I think he smokes and drinks a bit too.

I have given him chances but he just got worse. I did take him away with us a couple of times, I was trying to keep things civil but he was more of a hindrance than a help and when I went away in the summer it was kind of a way of proving to myself I could cope on my own.

You're the adult and the parent. You need to make the decision here.

Don't permit contact, if he wants it then he can get off his bum and go to court. Then get an order regarding maintenance. Or better yet, try manage without his financial input.

@Whsthappensnow I ve just googled it out curiosity and the CMS can be use even if you are yet not divorced.
The CMS is based on the 12% gross salary after pension contribution and 16% two kids, and depending on the days the payee parent has the kids overnight. If he is telling you the truth and that 22.5k is his gross salary the outcome will be less that the support you are recieving now. He may be telling you his net salary, that will make a salary gross of a few more thousand.
You can use the online calculator in the CMS website to see which option will be better for you.

I would think that if he is telling you the truth and he is paying 1.200 monthly in his accommodation and the children maintenance, he will have left about 300 left for his expenses, so it may be proper tight with money. That doesn't affect the fact that you shouldn't be always facilitating the contact.