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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with new man :(

39 replies

LydiaRebecca14 · 09/12/2023 15:30

Hello

I'm 31. 3 kids.

Been seeing a new man a year.
Love him loads, good to the kids etc.

Fell pregnant 2 months ago. Had abortion which I regret felt it was too soon.
I'm very sad about it. Abortion was 3 weeks ago.

Since my abortion... I've cooked for him, when he was ill, went out bought him medicines n food took to him at work, waited for him to get home till 9pm at night as he works a lot. I've not moaned even whilst I've been bleeding and in pain with the kids.
I keep crying so much n feel lonely inside.
I've also continued to work myself.

Today I've had enough. Last night he finished work at 4 and went to his own house and got himself a takeaway and I just hit rock bottom n realised we never eat together and he doesn't offer.

Today I politely said to him I need to get myself better physically and emotionally. And have some space to heel n look after me. And said I'd like some space for a week to clear my mind.

He's told me I'm selfish and I'm an un supportive woman ?

It's me that's in need. But I've looked after everyone else. I'm so tearful.

What are your thoughts xx

OP posts:
Epidote · 09/12/2023 15:32

LTB.
He is an extra load you don't need.

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 15:35

He’s a selfish prick. Get rid

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/12/2023 15:43

Selfish twat. I am sorry you are going through this - but defo better to see his true self early on.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/12/2023 15:46

You're being really irresponsible introducing a man you've known a yr to meet your three children.

Ditch the eat and build some self esteem

PrimalOwl10 · 09/12/2023 15:48

Sounds like it's far too much too soon. He's not a keeper leave and never look back.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 15:49

Wtf are you doing all that for him for? It's OTT. Taking food to anyone at work without being asked to is mothering, and a tad embarrassing- if he asked you to do it, he's a cheeky one and quite pathetic.
Relationships should be a 2 way street, so never aim to put more effort in, it should be equal.
It would take a lot to match your efforts which are a tad above and beyond, however, now you know he gives nothing in return so best off without this taker.
You've got some hurt to work through understandably, but you hopefully can see that you made the right decision for yourself and your DC's and now you can see him for what he is.
Learn from this, make sure your contraception is watertight in future. This is something you don't want to risk putting yourself through again.

ScottChegg · 09/12/2023 15:50

He's got one priority and that's himself.

Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2023 15:54

My thoughts are that you sound like an amazing woman and he sounds like an utter prick.

Dump his arse and do not look back.

Focus on you.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 15:56

He's an utter arse.

Next time - don't mother men.

They come to expect it as their right, do not acknowledge what you do, then when you express an opinion, they are all surprised to learn you're an actual person.

Allwelcone · 09/12/2023 16:11

Tell him where he's going wrong, make sure he's good and clear on that, and then get out of that relationship.

Sorry you're feeling bad, you've had a really tough time. Hope you feel better soon.

Bicorne · 09/12/2023 16:14

Don’t ever mother a boyfriend, and keep him well away from your children until you have firmly established he’s not awful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2023 16:17

This relationship is well and truly over. He is the one who is unsupportive and selfish.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward and love your own self for a change. Get therapy for you, unlearn the crap you have picked up along the way about relationships and rebuild your life. Show your children good relationship lessons going forward by not mothering a man, not introducing him to them for at least a year and showing yourself as an equal within the relationship.

Comedycook · 09/12/2023 16:19

I think your relationship sounds like too much too soon.

You sound a bit desperate to play house...why are you cooking for him? Why can't he spend a night in his own house eating by himself?

beatrix1234 · 09/12/2023 16:23

He should be cooking for you and driving you for work after an abortion and what you’re going through physically and emotionally just not the other way round (why are you mothering him for free?). You already have 3 small kids that demand full attention, you definately don’t need a narcissist man child on top sucking the life out of you.

Get rid.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 16:28

You've only been with him for 6months and ( quite rightly ) terminated a pregnancy with him, he hasn't looked after you or been supportive so why would you continue to see him?

You need to do some work on yourself and look at why your last two relationships have been with complete aresholes.
Maybe stay single until you've sorted yourself out.

Catoo · 09/12/2023 16:33

In the bin with this one OP.
Focus on you and your three DC.

I hope you feel better soon.

fulawitt · 09/12/2023 16:39

You need to grieve the whole thing. So sorry OP.

AgnesX · 09/12/2023 16:41

What a selfish sod. He comes across as being a taker not a giver and not even a trier. Worse, he can't even see it.

Cut your losses, you've got time to make peace with your decision by Christmas and enjoy the occasion with your kids

Drinkinggreentea · 09/12/2023 16:41

I'm a single Mum, same age, same number of kids. Get rid of that absolute waste of space of a man and focus on the kids. You need to either raise your standards in terms of what you expect and accept in relationships or not date at all. So sorry to hear you're not feeling great right now and about your termination but you really need to take more precautions in future, at least until you're sure about the man. This one aint it. You clearly deserve better.

furtivetussling · 09/12/2023 16:43

What a revolting specimen he is. Nobody deserves that treatment, so dump the bastard, quick as you like.

newfriend05 · 09/12/2023 16:43

he has shown you who he is .. and done you a favour I would say , put him back into pond

Original poster
LydiaRebecca14 · 09/12/2023 16:56

Thanks everyone. You're all right. I accept your comments fully.

He has given. He's quite generous financially but uses it against me after. Like buying things then reminding me what he bought me.

He says I'm selfish because he works a lot. I don't mind him working hard course I don't but I thought in my circumstances I just wanted some love and care that money can't offer.

He said today "you've only worked 3 days this week try doing 6 like me darling"
But I've got 3 kids too and just had the termination. I start full time work again on Monday 35 hours a week. He's made me feel like a loser. X

OP posts:
AnotherDanceClass · 09/12/2023 17:02

He’s a twat. Dump. Start taking care of yourself and believing thsg you’re worthy of better.

Raffyash1 · 09/12/2023 17:10

You "Love him loads" when he says things like "you've only worked 3 days this week try doing 6 like me darling" to you?

I think your standards are too low. When you have 3 kids, it's understandable you would like someone to help you out financially, emotionally so to help relieve the burden, however I think you have picked poorly in your desperation = sorry.

Prioritise your kids and try to find a better partner next time.

Epidote · 09/12/2023 17:10

OP you are not a looser, he is an arsehole.

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