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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Depressed friend ghosting me- what to do?

53 replies

chippyteas · 09/12/2023 09:43

One of my best friends is ghosting me. She has been ignoring my texts for months and months now and I initially thought it was due to me and her wanting to end our friendship which baffled me as we've always been very close. I finally managed to talk to her on the phone once a few months ago and it turns out she has been struggling with some health issues, seems very, very low as a result and apologised for not telling me as she's in a bad place mentally. I totally get it and completely understand.

I'm trying to work out how to best support her and have been sending supportive messages every 2 months or so with no pressure/ or expectation of a reply. I just want her to know I'm always here if she needs me, to go out for a coffee or just to talk, let her vent etc. However, as time is going on and I've heard nothing back from her, I'm wondering if I should continue trying to make contact or just leave it? I'm getting literally nothing back from her so no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. This isn't about me- I can deal with her not being in contact whilst she works through this stuff but I suppose I'm wondering where I go from here. Would you keep on messaging or just leave it up to her to contact when she feels ready? I really care about her and want to help her but obviously, I can't if she doesn't want to talk to me. What would you do? thanks.

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 09/12/2023 09:54

Following as I'm in the exact same position. Best friend of 33 years. I last saw her in May when she showed up to a group celebration that had been planned for me by another friend (to do with my wedding). She was fine at the event and just said she had been a bit depressed and anxious. I told her I loved her and understood and offered help with anything she needed. She stayed for a bit but made her excuses and left early which I had no issues with. She hadn't replied to any messages-I've texted her every 5 weeks or so just saying hello and once bring her to my DD's 18th-until mid November when she sent three in ten minutes-one agreeing to come to my daughters 18th party, one saying she had booked a cruise for next year, and another saying her dad was having a nervous breakdown and she herself had started a 12 week course of CBT. I replied with concern-and the offer of support if she needed it-radio silence since. She didn't show up to my daughter's party (her goddaughter) and hasn't been in touch.

I am worried about her. But I don't know how to reach her other than usual channels which she just ignores. She lives about an hour and a half away having moved about 18 months ago. I have been to her house, once, but can't now find her address-not that I'm very sure it would be a good idea to call on her anyway-I can't tell if she is unwell or has just decided she doesn't want me in her life for some reason.

piscofrisco · 09/12/2023 09:55

My sympathies OP-it's a really awful feeling. I miss my friend and I'm worried about her but also a bit hurt.

Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 09:56

@piscofrisco Its so hard isnt it? I want to help so much but I also respect that she isn't in a place to accept it. But then, I think maybe I'm hassling her by messaging as she's not replying etc.

Its really hard to know what to do.

OP posts:
lemonsandlimesx · 09/12/2023 10:01

Please just check in each day. Even just a heart emoji text. She needs to know you're thinking of her and people care. But also being in a dark place mentally is so tough to reply back to people.
Maybe that's not sound advice. But I've seen the effects of bad mental health and it's all too common these days.

Offer a coffee once a week or so. Or speak to her family. Please. Reach out to everyone and just chat. It can happen. It does happen. Too often.

Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 10:05

@lemonsandlimesx I'm not reaching out daily because that feels too much and we didnt communicate that often even before this happened. I am reaching out regularly with no expectation of a reply and I agree- she absolutely knows I am here for her.

But how long should I continue to do this? a year? 2 years? she is not replying to any of my suggestions to meet up, ever, and it feels intrusive to keep suggesting it when she obviously doesn't want to.

OP posts:
user628468523532453 · 09/12/2023 10:11

Daily would be harassment imo.

6 times a year is not much... if your feelings about that change, I suppose you could maintain an annual line of contact in Christmas card/messages to keep the door open.

Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 10:13

Daily would be harassment imo

This is how I feel. We would usually meet up every 2 months or so as she lives about a 3 hour drive away from me. If she lived nearby I would just pop round.

OP posts:
user628468523532453 · 09/12/2023 10:13

Maybe rather than messaging to suggest meeting, you could just send a brief chatty message about something that's happened recently or a light comment on something.

ComorosPearl · 09/12/2023 10:14

I'd explain your feelings, as you have done here, perhaps in a letter which might feel more caring to her (I'm not saying texts aren't caring but it obviously takes you more trouble to write a letter). The gist would be I understand you're having a terrible time and I don't want to make you feel worse by sending messages that you might feel put pressure on you but I do love you & I want you to know that I'm genuinely "here for you" if and when you can get in touch. Better wording than that but you get the idea.

Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 10:14

@ComorosPearl thank you- this seems like a great idea

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 09/12/2023 10:16

lemonsandlimesx · 09/12/2023 10:01

Please just check in each day. Even just a heart emoji text. She needs to know you're thinking of her and people care. But also being in a dark place mentally is so tough to reply back to people.
Maybe that's not sound advice. But I've seen the effects of bad mental health and it's all too common these days.

Offer a coffee once a week or so. Or speak to her family. Please. Reach out to everyone and just chat. It can happen. It does happen. Too often.

Daily, that to me is way too much

She knows you are there step back she is probably feeling smothered

mummylove24 · 09/12/2023 10:24

Please don’t stop messaging her, I’ve been here before, on the other side. I was in the darkest place for months and when I didn’t reply/call back I got a nasty essay of a text from a “friend” calling me basically selfish. Made me feel 1000 times worse and then another true friend who for months never stopped checking in on me. When I was mentally able to text/call her she acted as if no time passed and we picked up where we left off. No pressure to explain but I did, she was so so understanding, I’ll never forget it ❤️

bloodyeffinnora · 09/12/2023 10:25

I don't think a message once every 2 months is showing much effort to be honest, yes maybe not every day, but definitely a lot more than you are doing.

Likewhatever · 09/12/2023 10:32

Please stay in contact. Intense isolation and loneliness, feeling worthless and unloved, are one of the most painful aspects of depression. She’s not responding because she can’t, yet. If you fade away she will definitely notice.

Dery · 09/12/2023 10:39

Decades ago, I was in the position of struggling and needing checking in on. Messaging once every couple of months is not enough, I don’t think. But as PP have suggested, checking in weekly - little messages or memes, periodic calls etc so she knows you’re thinking of her - sounds great. And maybe visiting/extending invites periodically in a way that puts no pressure on but helps her feel thought about and cared for.

JusttheTwice · 09/12/2023 10:41

I have been that friend with severe depression coupled with PTSD, my daughter died and I managed contact with one friend only, my closest friend but she had moved overseas the year before so there was zero pressure to meet.

I actually couldn’t speak for a few months after she died at all and couldn’t eat and was dangerously underweight at just over 7 stone. After 5 years of therapy I contacted by message 6 friends, I am back in very regular contact with 2, 2 I have seen a little but it’s not the same and 2 didn’t respond.

Message every couple of maybe but let them know if they don’t respond it’s fine.one thing depending on the severity of her illness is time doesn’t make any sense. A week can seem like a year and a year can feel like a week. I do realise I was at the very extreme end of illness.

PussInBin20 · 09/12/2023 10:59

I think I would give up tbh. I mean actions (or inaction in this case) speak louder than words. Surely it would not take much effort to reply once in a while “thanks for checking on me, I appreciate it”.
what’s the point in keep messaging if you get nothing back? Seems like she doesn’t want a friendship to me.

Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 11:35

@bloodyeffinnora that's normal for us. We both have quite demanding jobs, family responsibilities, and kids, and so this has been our pattern for years and years. That has always been how often she messages me. So, to suddenly message weekly would seem way too much. Especially considering she isn't replying currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 11:36

@JusttheTwice I am so, so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you are saying and I'm sorry you lost some friends

OP posts:
Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 11:37

@mummylove24 thank you for the other side of this, I appreciate it and take on board what you say

OP posts:
Original poster
chippyteas · 09/12/2023 11:39

what’s the point in keep messaging if you get nothing back? Seems like she doesn’t want a friendship to me

I think this is what I'm struggling with. If she is not replying to messages on our "normal" message schedule, I don't see how messaging more is going to help- it seems like even more pressure for her

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 09/12/2023 11:52

@chippyteas When you’re in that dark place where even cleaning one’s teeth is an achievement, receiving periodic texts, memes, etc are a reminder that you are loved, and that someone cares. Text and/or call every now and again, you may be surprised when she picks up or replies. You are a good friend

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 11:55

OP - in your shoes I would carry on with what you’re doing, sending supportive messages every now and again and hopefully at some point your friend will feel ready to respond

You're doing the right thing. Letting her know you’re still here for her but not overwhelming her.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 12:01

Im in this same position, except it was with a bloke who I was in a sort of relationship with. It's so blooming difficult isn't it. On paper advice would be 'he's ghosted you because he's got another girlfriend.' But im 100% sure it's not and he's just in a dark place right now. Im going with checking in every few months. They need time but they also need to know you haven't given up on them.

What about messaging just on the 'typical' message moments - a happy Christmas, the first flower of spring etc

Datafan55 · 09/12/2023 12:03

chippyteas · 09/12/2023 11:35

@bloodyeffinnora that's normal for us. We both have quite demanding jobs, family responsibilities, and kids, and so this has been our pattern for years and years. That has always been how often she messages me. So, to suddenly message weekly would seem way too much. Especially considering she isn't replying currently.

But she is not in her normality pattern!

I have been here too, and found most of my good friends kept to our usual pattern of 2-3 months (which they'd stretched out to as eg they started having kids: it happens, but bad timing) - this felt like forever as I was in a bad way. If you can reach out a little more, that would be good.