Depressed friend ghosting me- what to do?

[chippyteas]

One of my best friends is ghosting me. She has been ignoring my texts for months and months now and I initially thought it was due to me and her wanting to end our friendship which baffled me as we've always been very close. I finally managed to talk to her on the phone once a few months ago and it turns out she has been struggling with some health issues, seems very, very low as a result and apologised for not telling me as she's in a bad place mentally. I totally get it and completely understand.

I'm trying to work out how to best support her and have been sending supportive messages every 2 months or so with no pressure/ or expectation of a reply. I just want her to know I'm always here if she needs me, to go out for a coffee or just to talk, let her vent etc. However, as time is going on and I've heard nothing back from her, I'm wondering if I should continue trying to make contact or just leave it? I'm getting literally nothing back from her so no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. This isn't about me- I can deal with her not being in contact whilst she works through this stuff but I suppose I'm wondering where I go from here. Would you keep on messaging or just leave it up to her to contact when she feels ready? I really care about her and want to help her but obviously, I can't if she doesn't want to talk to me. What would you do? thanks.

Keep doing what you're doing without pressure on her to respond. I've been your friend, never thought I would be and couldn't have understood how impossible it is to reply to friends until it happened to me.
Sadly my friends weren't like you. You sound very understanding and kind.

Thank you. That means a lot.

Sure, but if she's not replying to periodic messages I am not sure how increasing my messages for her to not reply to is going to help. I'm not trying to be awkward, I'm just saying that if its too difficult for her to reply to my messages then increasing the amount of them isn't going to suddenly make it easier, it would make it harder surely as it would be more pressure to reply?

I can certainly try it and see what happens I guess. I just struggle with feeling like I'm pressuring her is all

send messages that she doesn't need to reply to like: I'm thinking of you, here whenever you need me.

I will definitely do this- thank you

Yes I do see what you mean.

I think though if it seems like forever and then you get an occasional message from someone you wish was around more, it can seem like 'not enough' or as if they haven't got any idea what you're going through, ergo you don't reply. I'm not saying that's it, and I am projecting! - but more messages could help/might mean she replies....

I would send more, but put on there 'no obligation to reply, just increasing a bit in case it helps'.

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She hasn't changed/lost phones or something? - although not sure how you'd know :-)

I agree with this. Sometimes a meaningful reply that encompasses how crap you are really feeling, without wanting to ask for sympathy is beyond you when you’re in a bad place. It all seems too complicated to respond at all. Messages, or leaving a voice note on WhatsApp, that she can listen to in her own time, or play again, or a card in the past, that’s what I would do. But obviously, you know your friend better than we do.For her sake, I’d carry on with messages and dos forth a while longer. Christmas and the New Year can be hard if you’re struggling mentally. I hope both you and she are OK.

I'll try it and see :)

Phone number still the same- I can see on WhatsApp she is reading my messages just not replying.

I think I'd stop asking to meet up as that might seem too much pressure for her. But I'd keep in touch, probably more like once a month.

Just send her a photo you're up to or say something about common interests/ shared memories, like "I heard Hammertime on the radio just now, and it reminded me of when we were students [or whatever]. [Give a bit of your own news]. Hope you're doing OK, thinking of you, love op"

I am still on both sides of this and rather than upping contact I’d lessen it slightly.

For me, yes lovely to be thought of, but then also, as you intuit chippy, it places an extra burden because I know a reply is expected, even if I am feeling unable to reply at all

Once every 6months actually worked for me with maybe an ad hoc extra thrown in - enough to know I wasn’t forgotten but not placing any extra strain re replying that more regular messages would have.

There is a friend of my DC who has different issues but similar outcome, and DC was annoyed at first but is more understanding now, two or three messages a year doesn’t create the same frustration for DC and it puts minimal pressure/guilt on the friend whilst leaving the door open.

If you haven’t had reply just dial it back slightly - preface it with a text if you prefer saying you don’t want to add any pressure so will text a bit less often but door (or rather phone!) always open

If you prefer to stop the contact that’s ok too, you may need a more regular friend, that’s not an awful thing to feel either

If you can reframe this friendship, even for now, as contact quarterly or 2-3 times a year though it might lessen your worry/annoyance (& friend’s as that might also be the feelings - worry at losing you/annoyance at having regular texts they feel guilt at not replying to)

Each relationship we have is unique & may change over time so all of the above might help or not, just wanted to give a perspective of less contact being an option

I’d’ve ended up blocking any friend or even family that messaged every day because for me that would have felt incredibly intrusive

Try and find a compromise of contact that keeps the door open but not occupying you or your friend’s headspace in a negative way

Absolutely this.
I’m so sorry you also learned by experience and hope your days are brighter now.

I've been in a similar situation with a friend recently. It was difficult for me, because I too thought they were trying to end their friendship even though we'd previously been very close.

They still don't like chatting but I will send them a message every so often to remind them that I'm always here, whenever they need me.

"Saw this and thought of you" messages are always nice to get, even if you can't reply. Especially at Christmas.

I wholly understand how your friend is feeling. It's like existing in a fish bowl. You can look out and see people living normal lives and doing normal things but there's an invisible barrier between you. Really difficult to come back from and when you do eventually claw your way back, they've all given up on you. It's so hard to articulate this when you're in it, that's why she can't explain it to you. It's easier to not respond.

I’d keep
doing what you are doing basically

depression sucks

or send photos of things that resonate for both of you

I have a friend like this.
Contact has dropped down further and further over that last 2 years.
I now call and message every now and again with no expectation from her to reply.
It hurts as we used to be so close.
Earlier this year she was upset and contacted me. I dropped everything for the next day - cancelled appointments/work and sorted care for the dog and drove over 100 miles to come and help her and stayed over. She promised to update me on her progress with the problem the following day.
Went straight back to ignoring me.

I know she’s struggling, but this feels so one-sided now. All her other friends have gradually dropped off as she’s done the same to everyone.

Little jokes or things that remind you of her or memories. Keeping it light. She knows you're there but won't feel pressured.

I also agree with Sam98 that what you're doing sounds lovely. I wouldn't second guess it too much, just continue to think of it as something you do every few months without expecting anything back. You sound like a lovely friend.

Please keep in touch with her, and let her know that you appreciate where she’s at and you have no expectations from her just now.

Ive been the depressed friend and having finally come through it after many many years, I’m having to start from scratch building new friendships, and that’s easier said than done in your 50s

Please don’t give up OP!

I experienced the opposite of this in my past. I tried reaching out to people when I felt at a really scary low point and I lost a lot of friends because they couldn’t handle the ‘miserable talk’ and decided it was an attention thing. It left me feeling like I couldn’t speak to anyone at all and horribly alone.

It’s so lovely that you are trying and the fact you’ve managed to get some replies shows it’s not unwelcome she’s just struggling. Why don’t you send a Christmas card and perhaps a little decoration? Maybe leaving the occasional voice note so she can hear your voice. Tell her that if it feels too much and she doesn’t want to hear from you just to say but if not you’ll keep sending the occasional message as you care about her and miss her ❤️

Unfortunately a lot of people aren’t like you but the world would be so much kinder if they were.

@DaisysChains thank you- that was very helpful and kind of what I was thinking too, re: not wanting to pressure etc

@Squiggles23 I definitely will. Its not in my nature to give up on people I care about unless they treat me really badly (obvs) and I do understand she is struggling so its not personal against me

I'm in the same position OP. I haven't spoken to her in person for nearly a year.
I send the odd text, just sent one today with a couple of nice emoji.
I'm not expecting a reply, just keeping the line of communication up. I know it's not personal, it's the illness,

I'd like to know I'll get the same, but people can surprise you.

I had a bereavement earlier in the year and went into myself. I was surprised by the number of people who just left me to it.

You sound like a good friend and she will need you when she comes out the other side.

you sound a great friend and she is lucky to have you care so much.

I wouldnt go on forever though without some reaction back. It wouldnt hurt her to text and say thanks etc now and again. Are you sure she isnt trying to phase the friendship out?

Maybe offer to go round to see her at her house? Might be easier for her than meeting up somewhere.

Send her a Christmas card in the post, and enclose a short note hoping that she and the family are well, and that you hope to hear from her soon.

Leave it at that.

You are a good friend.

I'd keep in touch, with very short messages once every couple of weeks. Something like: Just checking in to wish you well. If/when you fancy a walk or a coffee, just type an emoji or yes and I'll call you.

It might be worth being pushy just once and saying something like: I love you and am concerned about you so I am planning to call by to say hello. I will bring coffee and cakes. There's no need to dress or make any effort. I just want to make contact as I know how down you've been. I was thinking 11am on Saturday. Let me know if this is no good.

The reason I suggest this is, when I suffered from deep depressions I simply couldn't make my self answer a text or email. Something just misfired in my brain which meant I couldn't activate anything, however small. But I would still have liked to see a friend occasionally, if it was truly someone who didn't judge what state I was in.