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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating GF, what to do with house ??

43 replies

Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:18

I’m a 28m doing reasonably well atm job wise. Me and gf were together for 8+ years. Recently I found out she cheated emotionally (pictures/flirty messages etc) with someone at work.
I watched it all develop and made her aware where it was heading and that there was intent from other guy but was gaslit and it obviously progressed to the point where I would call it cheating. I didn’t want to be controlling and not allow her to have male friends etc.
Relationship is definitely over, however we have a house together around the £400k mark. I initially agreed she can buy me out to make it quick etc and she was paying me a fair sum for the equity I have, but having looked at options to rent/buy in the area I feel I am being far too nice (we were FTB and I’ve now lost that stamp duty benefit) and allowing her to continue with normality with our nicely decorated house whilst I rent and deal with all the complications of changing address etc.
The question is should I reverse my position and force a sale, which will make me feel better that she has to deal with some of the things I’m going through ?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2023 06:21

If there is just you two and no children then do what's best for you financially.

It gets more complicated if you have children but you should both look to be able to have suitable accommodation for them. See a lawyer if there are children.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:26

No children, just a few pets which I was allowing her to keep

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/12/2023 06:26

If she was going to give you a fair sum for the equity you have in the property, how much more money would you actually get out of a sale, considering the fees etc? This is a terrible time to be selling.

If this is purely to ensure she is as inconvenienced as you are, I do sympathise with the feeling but I would try to rise above.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:31

@tribpot I probably wouldn’t get any more money out of the sale, the whole fiasco will be expensive regardless as we recently remortgaged and there is a penalty of c.6k.
Some of the thought process probably stems from imaging her in the house we chose etc with another partner, but thanks I probably need to try and leave my feelings out of it.

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 09/12/2023 06:32

It doesn’t seem fair that she cheated but you’re the one ending up renting. If you sell can you both afford to buy a flat? You’re allowed to change your mind, if she doesn’t like it, well tough.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2023 06:32

If you would get a fair amount of equity remember that selling is bloody stressful and expensive. Do you have to make a decision now?

SgtJuneAckland · 09/12/2023 06:38

Could she cover half equity plus half of your legal and moving costs given she rung have these. If not sell up

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:40

@ohdamnitjanet I couldn’t buy her out as I didn’t have £50k+ sitting somewhere luckily she recently received a lot of money from a flat sale (by family) that has been gifted to her. She would be able to buy something else but if she wanted something similar stamp duty would be significant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:46

@DisforDarkChocolate not necessarily forced to sell right now, initially I was in a bad state for a 2-3 days, and was somewhat normal for a few weeks but now back in a bad way. Quite frankly don’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me anymore. As although she now has a lot of “friends” in her corner she has admitted she does still see me as her closest friend and there are things she doesn’t tell anyone else about etc .

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/12/2023 06:46

Would you be able to buy, even a 1 bed flat? If you can get a mortgage how much would you need as a deposit? I'd be thinking maybe asking her to pay out a bit more than 50% of the equity if you could then buy a small place. I wouldn't want to be caught in the trap of slowly running through that equity while renting.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:47

@SgtJuneAckland yes she could

OP posts:
Hepherlous · 09/12/2023 06:52

I'd also be asking her for the equivalent of 50% of the stamp duty you saved first time round but will now have to stump up to buy again.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 06:53

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness luckily I am on decent money (60k+) so could afford to get something albeit a little smaller/cheaper. Although I really like the area, I’m contemplating whether it would be beneficial for me to do a short stint renting closer to central london for the night life etc and then move back out to the area

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 09/12/2023 07:01

If it makes you feel any better OP, she will probably have to pay stamp duty to buy you out as well.

EVliving · 09/12/2023 07:28

I would move back in the house and stay for a while. Why should.you leave. Then.I would force a sale, but that's me. Good luck.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 07:35

@Hepherlous Fair point, I guess I was being too much of a simp when I agreed to the original conditions

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 09/12/2023 07:36

If she was the one who was disrupted your lives she should be the one to leave the house IMO. Is it big enough to take in a lodger to help you financially? Surely she can use her inheritance on a down payment elsewhere? There are other options, don’t be too kind and get sucked into smoothing the way for a cheater who tries to get your sympathy (and power over the finances/investment) by saying you’re still her best friend, even though she wasn’t thinking about that when she hurt you and destroyed your life together? It’s fine to rise above your hurt, but better to process it and make sure you walk away with enough to hold your head high and make a start on your own.

Weefreetiffany · 09/12/2023 07:37

Oh jeez if you use the word “simp” I take it all back. Are you a troll?

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 07:38

@EVliving does make me feel better that someone else thinks like this, but judging by all the other comments maybe it’s best for me to just get out with as much as I can and start again ASAP

OP posts:
Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 07:40

@Weefreetiffany sorry I’m a little confused, I meant that I was being a simp (I was trying too much to be the nice guy)

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 09/12/2023 07:41

Bob135 · 09/12/2023 07:38

@EVliving does make me feel better that someone else thinks like this, but judging by all the other comments maybe it’s best for me to just get out with as much as I can and start again ASAP

Be an adult about it and move on

Nelly10 · 09/12/2023 08:13

Your 28 op! She cheated, you have no children it’s a massive lucky escape.

Be glad of that get the money and don’t look back.

Good luck!

JIMMI85 · 09/12/2023 08:38

If you buy at or below £250k there’s no stamp duty and even then it’s just 5% of the difference over and over £250k.

im guessing your mortgage is circa £300k given you both put in 50k, and if you recently remortgaged I’m guessing your monthly payments are circa £1600 a month.

even paying off 50k of the mortgage will her equity share will only reduce your monthly payments by about £150-£200 a month so it comes down to if you can have a comfortable lifestyle with that mortgage payment each month plus 100% of all bills.

don’t do what’s worst for her, do what’s best for you financially and emotionally.

Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 08:54

@Nelly10 thanks that perspective , that does make me feel better given that view, wasn’t even the cheating/witholding that really hurt it was the lying

OP posts:
Original poster
Bob135 · 09/12/2023 08:58

Thanks @JIMMI85 i must admit after the original posts I checked my calculations and you are correct the stamp duty wouldn’t be significant (less than £10k) so I agree with your conclusion.

I think I’m heading towards possibly a short term rental and then I’ll buy something small to keep the mortgage payments low whilst rebuilding by my life.

OP posts: