Cheating GF, what to do with house ??

[Bob135]

I’m a 28m doing reasonably well atm job wise. Me and gf were together for 8+ years. Recently I found out she cheated emotionally (pictures/flirty messages etc) with someone at work.
I watched it all develop and made her aware where it was heading and that there was intent from other guy but was gaslit and it obviously progressed to the point where I would call it cheating. I didn’t want to be controlling and not allow her to have male friends etc.
Relationship is definitely over, however we have a house together around the £400k mark. I initially agreed she can buy me out to make it quick etc and she was paying me a fair sum for the equity I have, but having looked at options to rent/buy in the area I feel I am being far too nice (we were FTB and I’ve now lost that stamp duty benefit) and allowing her to continue with normality with our nicely decorated house whilst I rent and deal with all the complications of changing address etc.
The question is should I reverse my position and force a sale, which will make me feel better that she has to deal with some of the things I’m going through ?

I think trying to punish her in this way is just engaging in drama.

Walking away, with a fair settlement, with the least amount of drama would be the way i would do it. The drama just prolongs your own pain, makes you feel worse and shows a cheater exactly how much impact they have had.

I would rather someone who cheated on me don’t get anymore of my emotional energy. I might cry or get angry behind closed doors. But they don’t get to see that. It doesn’t change anything and knowing I would be hurt by the cheating didn’t make them feel bad enough to not cheat. Why would my feelings matter now?

I think with cheaters walking away without giving them anymore emotion is the better way.

Causing it to be dragged out longer isn’t going to be helpful to you. So why do it?

Don’t ever call yourself a simp, such a degrading and disgusting term used for men.
You are not a simp, you are a human being with thoughts and emotions and your experiencing a shit time at the moment but guess what, the exact same things happen to women all the time too….because we’re all just human, you are human….you’re not a simp, being a nice guy shouldn’t be mocked and then referred to as a simp. Men are not simps just because they decide not to act like complete arseholes!

Can you both just live there for a while?
I don’t think you should feel pressured to leave

Any way of going AWOL and leaving her all the mortgage to pay by herself?

You’re better just letting her buy you out, unless you’re going to benefit highly from a market sale. You don’t have the stress of finding a buyer or the risk of it falling through.

The mortgage can be ported to her with your permission- so you will NOT incur the £6k penalty. She can then take out an additional mortgage with the same provider for the rest of the cost. Even if you sell to someone else, one of you can port that mortgage to your new property with the other’s permission so don’t worry about the £6k.

To note - she won’t have to pay stamp on this house if she buys you out.

Think I would leave the cheapest and easiest way. Don't think about her at all just sort your self out, karma is a bitch! Good luck x

@Safxxx thats terrible advice. If he’s on the mortgage then he’s liable regardless of where he is. If that loan defaults his credit history is ruined.

Does make me wonder what goes on in people’s heads when they say things like that 🤦🏻‍♀️

You can't force her to sell without going to court and if she can afford to buy you out and is offering to at market rate then that's the best you'll get. Go to court and it will just waste money and it will be your money you are wasting.

Let her buy you out and then never when done never engage with her again in any way whatsoever.

No dramatic announcement or elaborate stuff just live life and take every opportunity to try stuff. As upset as you may be take some time to heal and when dating again one day do not go on about it.

I wouldn't necessarily be sure she can afford to buy you out: does she ear enough to meet the affordability criteria? It's not just about replacing your £50k.

How have house prices changed since you bought? The payments you get back should reflect that. Imo, the fairest way of doing it is to get a valuation that you both agree with, minus the size of the mortgage too get your equity. Split that equity by % of contributions. So if you bought everything equally you get half.

Both parties should be able to to benefit from any equity growth

You’re much better off going for a quick, clean break than trying to go for some sort of ‘revenge’ sale.

The market’s shocking atm and you’ll incur fees and hassle you just don’t need. The house is just bricks and mortar, don’t make it something bigger in your head.

And I’d suggest not using words like ‘simp.’ There’s misogynistic baggage in that term. If I heard someone describing themselves, or anyone else, in RL as a simp then I’d be distancing myself rapidly from them.

Yep it was my bad 😕
One of my friends husband went AWOL leaving her to pay off the mortgage although she's done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this treatment, she's got a young son and his father has no contact with him either.
I guess in my head I thought the OP patner is the guilty one and she's benifited from keeping the house so she should pay all the mortgage off.

@Ffsnotaconference I do agree, getting rid of her in the quickest way is the best option

@Whattodowithit88 I didn’t quite see it like that when I was responding earlier but now I’m feeling abit better I do agree, thanks I’ll try and maintain my dignity

@worryingalot that was my original plan\stance but I’ve realised even in separate rooms etc I’m too nice to completely blank her and it will cause issues if either of us want to have private conversations etc. she also tells me where she’s going when she does etc but I don’t exactly feel like I should have to tell her when I’m going out etc so I think getting away is best

@SkySecret lucky she earns a little less then me but gets a healthy bonus every year so she can afford the house. However banks do not think like you and me so the penalty will have to be paid- the same mortgage provider doesn’t believe she can afford the current mortgage payments by herself if she was to take over, however if the penalty fee is paid they will allow her to take out a new mortgage with them at a higher rate and a higher monthly payment- sounds bonkers but that’s banks for you. I won’t be able to port the lower rate as the house isn’t being sold.

@PaterPower I settled on an amount that is about 30k more than we paid 3 years ago (based on local knowledge etc), even though the banks valued it about £20k higher as with the contents (sofa etc) that she’s going to pay me back for I think I would stretch her too much and she’d want to sell

@Bob135 I went through it about 18 months ago and bought my ex out of the house. You can absolutely port the mortgage with no penalty. If you cancel it to take up a new one then yes you get a penalty, but not if you’re continuing the same mortgage in either sole name or porting to a new property. Honestly, call them about it and get an appointment with one of their own advisers (free). Mine was with HSBC.

Edit: Sorry just re-read your reply - so it’s not that they’d charge to port the mortgage it’s that they won’t allow you to port for their affordability reasons. Fair enough, I guess you’re over a barrel then, these are the risks we take buying above our means I suppose 🥲