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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended it with my partner a week ago. His best friend died unexpectedly last night. Should I make contact or...

28 replies

SubtleUserName · 08/12/2023 17:07

Or should I just let him find support elsewhere? I don't know what to do.

For context, we were together almost 3 years. He had been pushing for us to move in together but I was reluctant, for my own multiple reasons. I don't hate him and he didn't do anything wrong. It was my first relationship since my 2017 divorce.

My mother died during my divorce and the exH brought food over and took our children for extra time, he was kind and I still wanted to complete the divorce.

I have texted the bereaved partner as I met her several times and really liked her. She is in shock.

My ex boyfriend was really upset about the break up and now his best friend is dead. I just don’t know whether to contact him or leave it...

I'm shocked too and so sad for the children. There was a terribly bitter divorce and I am concerned about the ex wife's reaction too, I know my boyfriend will want to support his (unofficial) godchildren. But maybe I just need to completely stay out of it? I'm going round and round and round.

Any wise words?

OP posts:
isthistoonosy · 08/12/2023 17:11

I would message him that you know, are sorry, and he can contact you if he needs practical help with anything.

SamW98 · 08/12/2023 17:13

I would send a message saying you’re so sorry to hear the sad news and you’re here if he needs anything. Then leave it there.

If you’re on reasonable terms I think it’s the right thing to do.

MajesticWhine · 08/12/2023 17:13

I think it would be kind to offer your condolences and support.

CormorantStrikesBack · 08/12/2023 17:14

I think a text rather than a call would be very appropriate. It puts the ball into his court about when and how to respond

jenny38 · 08/12/2023 17:14

Yes I probably would reach out, but maybe to acknowledge what has happened, rather than offer support on an ongoing basis. It’s an awful thing to happen to him, but spending time with you might just confuse the situation for him more. Does he have other people to support him?

pickledandpuzzled · 08/12/2023 17:14

Yes, I’d message carefully so that it’s clear you aren’t coming back.
Maybe- I understand you may prefer me not to be in touch so if I don’t hear, I won’t message again.

Rebootnecessary · 08/12/2023 17:15

It would definitely be kind to make contact in some way.

user628468523532453 · 08/12/2023 17:15

you’re here if he needs anything

Only say this if you mean it.

If it's not the case, simply offer condolences. He doesn't deserve false hope / the pain of being let down.

Catandsquirrel · 08/12/2023 17:22

As you're on good terms and it's so recent I would personally prefer to offer condolences than not. Offer practical support if you are happy to stand by that but it may be best to start with a heartfelt condolence. Card rather than text so theres less obligation to reply?

Footprintsinthesand · 08/12/2023 17:26

I would just say something like "I've just heard about x. I'm so sorry I know how close you were. I hope you're ok".

That way you're not encouraging further contact. Ball is then in his court.

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 17:40

Message him, have a heart, it's not years ago you split. Guaranteed he expects something like this:

"sorry to hear about xxxx, please know I am here for you through this sad time regardless of what happened between us, incase I can support in anyway.

Original poster
SubtleUserName · 08/12/2023 18:30

Thanks, it seems too cold to not even acknowledge. He'll be on his way home now (if he went to work). I'm sending this text:

💐💕💐
Dear G, So very sorry to hear about M's passing.

Wishing you peace and comfort, and please, if there's anything I can do to support you, just say...

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/12/2023 18:32

What happens when he says what he wants is to come back like the last week hadn't happened?

Stop at the 'peace' if you must send anything.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:38

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/12/2023 18:32

What happens when he says what he wants is to come back like the last week hadn't happened?

Stop at the 'peace' if you must send anything.

Oh come on he will know what the OP means, and that her message isn't an invitation to get back together again. If he's so crass as to say that she can nip it in the bud then but she doesn't have to pre-empt unlikely weirdness.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/12/2023 21:40

Send a card
and literally just express your condolences for the loss of his friend

and leave it a few days x
that’s what I’d do

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2023 21:48

Well, I wouldn't but that's me.

Missingmyusername · 08/12/2023 22:00

user628468523532453 · 08/12/2023 17:15

you’re here if he needs anything

Only say this if you mean it.

If it's not the case, simply offer condolences. He doesn't deserve false hope / the pain of being let down.

^ Yes only if you actually mean it and are crystal clear it’s to help out or you risk hurting them.

Vinrouge4 · 08/12/2023 22:42

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/12/2023 18:32

What happens when he says what he wants is to come back like the last week hadn't happened?

Stop at the 'peace' if you must send anything.

I agree.

justwatchingtelly · 08/12/2023 22:46

user628468523532453 · 08/12/2023 17:15

you’re here if he needs anything

Only say this if you mean it.

If it's not the case, simply offer condolences. He doesn't deserve false hope / the pain of being let down.

This

Cupcakekiller · 08/12/2023 23:26

I wouldn't because he didn't want the split and it could make it confusing or more painful for him. If the split had been mutual or he'd finished with you then maybe but not in those circumstances. It's more cruel in the long run even though you have good intentions.

Panaa · 08/12/2023 23:52

Cupcakekiller · 08/12/2023 23:26

I wouldn't because he didn't want the split and it could make it confusing or more painful for him. If the split had been mutual or he'd finished with you then maybe but not in those circumstances. It's more cruel in the long run even though you have good intentions.

This is a tricky one because if he didn't want the split and she doesn't contact him he could just feel like he was completely disposable and meant absolutely nothing to her and that she didn't even care enough about him to check on him after his best friend died which could be even more painful.

I don't think it's confusing to the point where he'd think oh she contacted me that must mean she wants to get back together.

Perhaps he might get a small glimmer of hope that she has to shut down but weighing it up I'd take that risk rather than risking how shit he may feel thinking that she didn't care at all to even send a text after his best friend died.

LadyEloise1 · 09/12/2023 00:08

I'd leave out the heart emoji.

MelsMoneyTree · 09/12/2023 00:13

I agree with a PP - send a card.
Don't offer help. You're blurring boundaries.

Maddy70 · 09/12/2023 00:22

Kindness costs nothing but don't lead him on

Catandsquirrel · 09/12/2023 06:38

Maybe condolences plus offering help to ex/ the family would make her intentions clearer that it's more in the general aftermath than just him and neutralises the potential for misunderstanding.

That's only if OP wants to offer help. Me I wouldn't mind, even listening to him talk about the loss as I would have been his go-to so recently.

It should be quite simple to shut down any advances 'I'm sorry but my mind is made up about that. I do think it's for the best but im happy to support you as a friend if that doesn't make things confusing'.