Am I a prostitute?

[scarlatti]

Sorry - have namechanged as this is so shameful.
I have been in a (not totally legitimate) relationship which has had to cool off, but I still see the man occasionally for legitimate reasons. This week I had a lift from him and couldn't resist stroking his lap on the way home. He'd already told me he'd resist but didn't put up too much of a fight shall we say - and before we got home he'd unzipped himself, and we stopped off en route as we used to do so I could finish the erm.. 'job' (despite him declaring he had no intention for this to happen again).

I suppose I did it just to prove to myself that he still couldn't resist me, but I think I am kidding myself..
Just need some harsh words from MNers to answer this.. Am I just being stupid to carry on like this? Do men like this just think with their dicks? Tbh I feel a bit like an (unpaid) prostitute - but I genuinely felt happy afterwards that I had 'hooked' him again. Have seriously considered counselling.

Sounds like you have a serious self-esteem problem to me if you need to bolster it in such a tragic way

I am going to unleash your ire I'm sure, but yes - you have all worked this out correctly. Oh well, bring it on.. I can take it..

I just thnk it's even sadder that the guys have been unavailable and probably a bigger reason why you've gone for them, they're 'safe' if they turn you down then because it isn't about you, but their status.

I think you have a thing for masochism. Hence the unwise moves in your love life AND this thread!

Is there a root cause to your low self-esteem?

Yes I am a masochist on top of being a slapper and a looney - I will retreat for a while and think about what you all have said. ( Regarding counselling Laidback - I note that I am local to you from your profile - so I might consider it - have had CBT before a long while ago).

where are you...maybe I can recommend ? Or you can meet me for a coffee and I can do it for free ?

No-one has said you are a slapper or a looney
that is over-simplifying things

You are not, you are just fucked up and need to sort it out

Don't retreat, you aren't a 'slapper' just confused and using what you wrongly beleive to be your 'power' over men to companstae.

Off out now....not abandoning

Thanks lovely people. I am beginning to realised I might be quite fucked up - I have behaved like this for tewnty years.

Don't want to give my precice location on here - but it's central.

20 years is a while
but if you can recognise that you have a problem and do something about it then that is fantastic

No kerry this has already been established

it's teh (unpaid) in the op that is a dead giveaway

Yes - I'm the one that's paying for it

Hi scarlatti... I am in the North of our region, but travel about a bit for work, Tavi, Tiverton, Exeter. Really happy to chat to you via email, or on the phone or in real life if you want someone to sound off ideas with. Let me know and I can contact you with my details.

Hi again Laidback - I think your profile says Sussex - but the places you mention are in SW England. if you know of anyone you recommend in Sussex though - do let me know.
thanks to you and others for the very helpful and thought provoking responses. I will seek some help. Thank you again, s.

I used to live there , havent changed profile ...ooops. I know someone good in Worthing and also Brighton ...any good - they are both Cognitive Analytic Therapists (www.acat.me.uk/).IMHO a great type of therapy for getting at the nub of an issue really quickly, links past experiences and present thoughts feelings and beahviours in a way CBT misses I think. Also its timebound - so only lasts 16 sessions (so you know the cost at the outset . if you want to email for specific names .... i am on louisearscottahotmail.com

that should have read @hotmail