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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment:(

68 replies

Dancingchicken · 07/12/2023 20:06

Not the first time but its lasted a week when it's usually 2 days and always when I express a different view or even unprovoked. I called him out on some nasty comments he made about other women and that he wouldn't take no for an answer when I had commitments and couldn't meet until the end of the week (he had been on holiday and I had no idea when he was back so made plans with friends). What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingchicken · 09/12/2023 10:40

The shark analogy makes so much sense as he actively goes for things he knows I'm insecure or worried about.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 09/12/2023 18:08

EveSix · 07/12/2023 20:09

Run.
Seriously.
Someone who sulks, shuns or dishes out the silent treatment is a dangerous person.
He is grooming you into submission.
Please do not pursue a relationship with this man.

This. Seriously, just get rid.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 09/12/2023 22:18

I have left. I'm definitely not overreacting am I? It sounds like small issues but it's constant and wears me down.

OP posts:
Falalalalaa · 09/12/2023 22:29

No you’re not overreacting. You’ve just done the best thing you could possibly do for yourself and your future self.

Its ok to grieve, and it’s natural that you will remember the “good” bits and miss him, but as a previous poster said - the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

spookehtooth · 10/12/2023 00:11

Dancingchicken · 09/12/2023 22:18

I have left. I'm definitely not overreacting am I? It sounds like small issues but it's constant and wears me down.

Each incident might be small, but it builds up over time & that's what makes it a big deal. There's lots of metaphors: water rusting a bike, brake pads worn down from regular use, sugar rotting teeth etc.

Every individual occasion for all of those isn't a big deal either. Obviously some of those are necessary, for a purpose, but they demonstrate the accumulative effect of repetitive small things into something bigger

cottonwoolballs · 10/12/2023 00:33

sorry wrong post

missingyears · 10/12/2023 01:51

Silent treatment is awful. Dished out by emotionally extremely immature people. The silent treatment is likely to be only one tiny part of an overall emotionally abusive relationship. It's very very sad.....because often you can see how lovely the perpetrator would be if only they would just grow up and stop treating life like a battle Run for the hills. The silent treatment is the biggest red flag ever for letting you know that you are in a relationship with an emotionally disturbed individual who will (probably unintentionally) destroy your health, happiness and wellbeing.... quite likely even more than that....RUN!!!!

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 10/12/2023 02:34

I told him before if he needs space to tell me so I know and am happy keeping my distance if I know he's busy but he knows silent treatment is hurtful and he's done it so many times since the start and it gets worse with his reasons for doing so making no sense. I'm not allowed a voice at all and doing normal things like talking to friends or not being free trigger these silences or criticism.

OP posts:
PieAndLattes · 10/12/2023 03:12

I had one of those. His behaviour is controlling and abusive. He does it to shut you down, to have you walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong thing and contradicting him. He’s trying to mould you into a handmaiden. Mine actually did it so he could go on dates with other women - to the extent of manufacturing an argument. It was bewildering. Once he realizes you’ve blocked him he WILL come after you so be warned. The love bombing is not who he is - he gets off on the drama.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 10/12/2023 07:28

I think that may be it. He is very insecure and constantly looking to put me down. He has said before he sees women's independence as taking away worth from men which is why i think he does things (tell me what to do with my home, my child, my friends, body) and uses other women to put me down. He can take my biggest achievement and say I'm not very good and my biggest worries and use them against me. Feels like he wants to make me feel bad about myself.

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cottonwoolballs · 10/12/2023 12:39

Urgh sounds like my now ex. It didn’t get better. ❤️

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2023 14:19

Never confuse insecurity with control.

Insecure involves trying to change yourself to fit others. Controlling involves trying to change others to fit yourself.

If I had a quid for everyone on here going 'oh maybe he's insecure' when infact he's just an abusive piece of shit, I'd be well into the tens of thousands by now.

Deep down he probably does hate himself. But he hates everyone else more. He punishes them for having what he doesn't have. Humanity.
He's an empty person and empty people are vacuumes for hate and evil.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 15:02

Dancingchicken · 10/12/2023 07:28

I think that may be it. He is very insecure and constantly looking to put me down. He has said before he sees women's independence as taking away worth from men which is why i think he does things (tell me what to do with my home, my child, my friends, body) and uses other women to put me down. He can take my biggest achievement and say I'm not very good and my biggest worries and use them against me. Feels like he wants to make me feel bad about myself.

Can you see how wrong this relationship has ALWAYS been?

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 10/12/2023 18:30

If it was someone else posting I would see it so much clearer just so confusing when in it. Sometimes he's lovely but too many other things. He quit his job as he fell out with his boss, two previous ex been to police but he said was no evidence. I left him in the summer so been back together 4 months and he criticises anything I do. Apart from me no relationship beyond 6-12 months. I honestly thought I was better than this and so angry with myself I didn't leave sooner. There's screenshot of him online before we dated of him saying he's harassed other women. I know I'm stupid as it's so obvious.

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Northernsouloldies · 10/12/2023 20:30

Good luck for the future. 😁

Falalalalaa · 10/12/2023 21:02

You’re not stupid. You saw the good in him and gave him a chance.

Now you see the real him, it would be stupid to go back.

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2023 22:26

Bloody hell, OP, you’ve dodged a major bullet there! He’s had 2 exes go to the police? He is obviously abusive and an all round arsehole. Please don’t let him hoover you back in.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 11/12/2023 00:16

I know there's so many other things and I buried my head in the sand. He can't hoover me as I've blocked him on everything now.

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