Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment:(

68 replies

Dancingchicken · 07/12/2023 20:06

Not the first time but its lasted a week when it's usually 2 days and always when I express a different view or even unprovoked. I called him out on some nasty comments he made about other women and that he wouldn't take no for an answer when I had commitments and couldn't meet until the end of the week (he had been on holiday and I had no idea when he was back so made plans with friends). What should I do?

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 07/12/2023 23:10

Dancingchicken · 07/12/2023 22:14

That's what worries me as this is a worsening behaviour. The nice him seems fewer and further apart and there's constant jibes and bitterness all the time. I told him to stop doing it about me and strangers as it isn't needed. I figured the fact this is the longest by far is his way of dumping me.

There's nothing to rescue then.

Send him to the scrapheap.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 08:10

No marriage or children. We don't even live together. He flipped out when I asked if we could talk. Anything I do he sees as offensive I get this. I had it once for speaking to a friend, because I had a busy work week and for not being free on an evening when he wanted to meet.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 08/12/2023 08:14

Why would you want to be with someone like that.

To all intents and purposes, he's left, so go and find someone new. Plenty of parties and opportunities for socialising this time of year.

If he bothers to show his face, tell him you assumed he wasn't coming back, so you've replaced him.

LifeofBrienne · 08/12/2023 08:19

Well, dump him obviously. But also maybe do a bit of thinking, before you get into another relationship, about why your standards are so low that you didn’t dump him ages ago. Maybe you need to do a bit of work on your self esteem and expectations?

NoWayNarc · 08/12/2023 08:50

To echo PP, yes just call it a day - it doesn’t get better

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 09:11

I blocked him last night as I figured he's either left himself or if he did try and message again (I doubt) then I can't get sucked back in. Yes should have left when this started which is a long time ago and was foolish to be so naive but onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 09:12

Don't understand why some people do this though. If there's an issue just say.

OP posts:
MinervatheGreat · 08/12/2023 09:30

I suffered this for years from a controlling husband.
A solicitor told me it’s classed as “unreasonable behaviour.”
It was just another facet of his awful modus operandi.
I divorced him.
Keep this waste of space out of your life. It won’t ever get any better & it’s soooo diminishing. Who needs it?

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 09:49

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries.

This man is toxic and abusive and you tolerated it for far too long.

Do you want to be abused?

If not, then do the above programme and look very seriously at your self esteem and boundaries.

People with both are unlikely to end up with abusive orocks like him.

Learn from this mistake or you will continue to waste your time with abusive vile losers like him.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

FartSock5000 · 08/12/2023 12:00

@Dancingchicken he does it because he likes the control and abuse. He ENJOYS it.

He has you running after him begging him to talk to you. He just doesn't care. You are more invested in the relationship than he is.

He will crawl back and probably love bomb you when he sees you are standing up for yourself though. He won't like losing his wee puppet.

This man is an emotionally stunted, abusive wank. This is NOT love.

Look into Freedom Programme because after 2 years of him "training you", you may be vulnerable to another abuser.

You should also know that the brain gets addicted to the highs and lows of traumatic relationships. Please end it now before you are too far gone to free yourself.

Prelapsarianhag · 08/12/2023 14:45

Have a read of this OP, it will help you to be better armed against such men in the future.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 15:30

I don't chase when he does this but when he decides to talk I have responded then. I've blocked all avenues of communication just in case. He's never ignored me this long so I can't see him coming back but in case he tries I've removed that option for him.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2023 15:39

Good on you for calling him out on his derogatory language towards women.

Men who use it, hate women. And you're a woman. So even if they're nice in the beginning, eventually that contempt will be directed at you. That's what the silent treatment is. 'She's a woman, how dare she question my behaviour! I must punish her for this'.

Well done for blocking him.
Be prepared for him putting a long rambling letter through your door or some similar shite just incase. Maybe trying to get one of your family or friends on his side ect... they are devious, his sort. Don't answer unknown numbers or accept friend requests on social media from unknown people.

Don't be conned by 'you owe me a chat in person'.

You don't owe anyone who talks horribly about women anything. Let alone someone who gives people the silent treatment.

'No' is a complete reply. If any reply is even necessary.

Hopefully he'll take it that you've ended it and leave you be though.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 15:49

He does say a lot of awful things about women: bosses, anyone when we go out and I've heard him yell at his own mum when she made a small mistake. It's really unpleasant and I pointed out it's never men (not that anyone should be criticised but there's a lot of hatred aimed at women doing their own thing which does not impact him).

I'll make sure I'm guarded against any attempts to contact me as best I can. Says a lot I'm not missing him or feeling that sad right now.

OP posts:
bluecalendula · 08/12/2023 16:08

It's a form of controlling you. It's cruel and narcissistic.

My friend is currently divorcing a man who did to her this for years. He now does it to their children, it's painful to see.

It's impossible to change someone who does this unless they recognise it and want to change.

Best to leave.

spookehtooth · 08/12/2023 16:23

Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 09:12

Don't understand why some people do this though. If there's an issue just say.

I think mostly it's learnt behaviour, possibly been treated this way and learnt to do the same. We're fairly blank slates from birth, and then learn as we go what then becomes "normal" to use. Everyone's early years are different, and as we get more experience outside the family bubble we're exposed to other ideas.

Not everyone recognises the bad habits they've been given, or perhaps only some, and pass them on to their children. Some bad habits, particularly domineering power-based ones, are also tempting to retain due to perceived advantages for those skilled in using them. Some people will have suffered the effects of them growing up, increasing their vulnerability to people who've grown up to be good at using them.

Similar things can happen at any stage of life, but I think upbringing is a significant period. There's probably genetic factors in there, the importance of that vs nurture is keenly contested.

I'm sure lots of people will disagree, it's what I believe from what I read tho & just a rough summary of my understanding 😁

You are best rid of him tho, none of it is your problem, he sounds awful

bjjgirl · 08/12/2023 16:26

It's not silent treatment- it's abuse, stonewalling.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 17:54

Why is it a control thing sorry?

OP posts:
Falalalalaa · 08/12/2023 18:00

It’s controlling because he did this after you made plans with friends. He doesn’t like you having a life outside of him and would prefer it if you were isolated.

His silent treatment is also controlling - he is training you do what he wants so that he doesn’t ignore you. When he decides the punishment is over, you will just be so grateful that he is talking to you again that you won’t raise the original issue with him, and you will think twice about going out with friends next time because you don’t want to be ignored by him.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 18:26

He's never done it this long though which makes me think it's something different or is it upping the ante to stress me out? The message I sent that started this was he can't just expect me to be free last minute and to stop criticising everyone and that when he goes away (his family lives quite far so he goes 2-3 weeks at a time) he can't just not tell me he's back and expect my diary to be clear when he says he's decided to come back that day.

He hasn't turned up at least so I'm guessing he's gone for good.

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 08/12/2023 18:55

Ugh, the sexist, misogynist pig. You're well rid.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 08/12/2023 18:57

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it deliberate mistreatment or manipulation, but it’s both a form of emotional abuse and a bit of a childish sulk. You’re presumably an adult OP so really have a think about how much of this behaviour you can put up with.

Original poster
Dancingchicken · 08/12/2023 22:44

I won't be going back. I knew if I didn't block him and he chose to text I'd cave so I've removed the option for him to contact. I haven't seen him for a month as he was away (not sure if he still is) so I going to use the space as a head start to move on.

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 08/12/2023 23:29

Silent treatment is abusive, bullying behaviour.

Run.

Secondguess · 08/12/2023 23:50

He's emotionally immature and punishing you for a perceived slight.

Have you heard of the shark cage metaphor in relationships? It's about some predatory men (sharks) testing your boundaries (finding out what you are/aren't okay with) by testing how strong your safety cage is. Your shark is currently looking for weak spots in your cage. Don't let him anywhere near you.