Trying to keep the peace - DH and DM, Both are wrong and both are right in equal measures......

[whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem]

ok, this might be long but I don't want to drip feed. DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 10. No kids, I'm an only child, Father deceased. Up until now, both DM and DH got along albeit prickly but enough I could visit for the weekend eith him in tow (live 350 miles away from her)

DM:

• 80
• physically disabled with arthritis but refuses any official home help, carer. Grudgingly has a cleaner in for 2 hours once a fortnight
• Stubborn - will never admit she's wrong even when you prove she is, will never apologise
• House is a mess which contributes to the issues we have - never puts anything away, put everything down near her arse and leaves it these until someone comes along and puts it away for her

DH:

• Loses patience if people won't accept advice or help
• Has borderline OCD which has rubbed off on me as I've gone from being extremely messy to by most peoples standards very tidy and I like it that way. Mums house drives me nuts with everything everywhere.

The Issue: Well the one that brought it to a head is mums friend. Been friends years but she's not the sharpest tack in the box (to say the least) and is rather highly strung. I will say that she does a lot to help mum out and she has dropped everything once or twice when my mum has fallen. However...... she phones my mum 10+ times a day. My mum will have taken her shopping in the car and 10 minutes after they are home, she phones her. I don't have any issue with the number of time she calls her other than my mothers ability to hold a conversation is deteriorating as he main stimulation is the friend. Who. Talks. So. Slow. You. Lose. The. Will. To. Live. The main problem is, if my mum doesnt answer the phone, she rings again and again and again. Convinced herself most of the time my mum has fallen on the floor. Again, this is not an issue - its between them. Where it becomes a problem are the three things that happened in the last week:

1. I was actually down with my mum and had taken her out for lunch. Friend phoned my mums house - no answer. She then phones me (knowing I was there with her) concerned that she could not get hold of my mum and was she ok. I told her she was quite happy scoffing a steak pie in the chair next to me and if there was something wrong, didn't she think I'd know about it.

1. Monday I was home 350 miles away and my mum had apparently spoke to her friend and said she was going to be coming around to pick her up to go shopping. I get a phone call from the friend. Takes her five minutes to explain that 20 minutes ago my mum had said she was leaving to go around to pick her up and she wasn't there yet. Could I log into her ring camera and see if she had left yet. I duly did so and said she was just getting into her car but to remember she was slow on her feet so she might be a while getting herself sorted out. 10 times in the next half hour I got a call from friend worried my mum wasn't there yet. I was trying to work at the same time. It did not go down well when I said I wasn't going to answer next time.

1. Last night, I get a phone call from friend because she had not been able to get my mum for two hours as the phone was engaged. My mum has told her I can use Alexa to drop in on her so friend wants me to drop everything I'm doing and drop in to see if she's ok. I said to friend I knew exactly what had happened. Either my mum had not hung the phone up properly (50% chance) or more likely she had so much crap on the table next to her when she's put something down, its pressed on one of the 5 handsets undoubtedly sitting there not on the chargers and its off the hook so to speak. Mum has the TV so loud that she can't here the sirens. Again, I was working on a call with customers. Another 8 times in 45 minutes I get called back saying she was worried and would I drop in on her. When I did, my mum denied the phone was ever engaged (even though I'd heard her press the button).

It was at this point DH lost it. We have asked my mum NUMEROUS times to ask dopey Dora (as we call her) not to call us. I' ve asked her. I've begged her. All I get is "yeah, ok" knowing full well she won't. I've threatened to block her number but then I unblock it just in case its the 1 in a 1000 chance its a genuine emergency. All I get is "Dora" wouldn't hurt a fly. No she wouldn't but she gets on my tits calling me all the time.

For DH last night was the final straw seeing as I was stressed, had been called off from an important call by the phone constantly going and then my mother denying the phone was ever engaged. He did lose his temper with her. She hung up on him. Now, DH is refusing to speak to my mum ever again. She said some pretty horrible things about him and refuses to talk to him.

I'm in the middle because I understand why he got angry - so do I. And I'm no further forward stopping the bloody calls without blocking her number.

Any ideas? Suggestions on a post card. I've thought of booking a shipping container and locking them both in it until one comes out the winner (my money is on my mother).

And if anyone got to the bottom of thart stream of consciousness, you deserve a medal

Well firstly you need to tell Dora yourself to stop calling you.

I understand all too well about elderly relatives who don't hang up the phone properly, and then cause untold angst among the wider family when they can't get hold of them for hours. We had that issue for about 5 years, although fortunately for us, MIL was only 10 minutes away in the car so DH would go round there to check.

As for the twittery friend constantly badgering you when there's nothing wrong, that would drive me crackers too, but I'm not really sure what the answer is with that one. Because there might come a time when she (quite literally) is your mum's saviour.

Ok, I thought it would be taken as read that I've tried that, numerous times. Until I'm blue in the face. She says ok, then 10 minutes later calls again "because I'm just worried"

If only it were that easy

Your DH is right, the situation is nuts. Ref your DM's mum, block her number and unblock it twice a day for 10 mins. Tell her you will only receive her call between 1000-1010 and 1500-1510 (for example) and leave it at that.

Get her to text instead if call so you can decide if its worth dealing with or not?

Or let her drop in on the camera ?

Not sure what it has to do with your husband really

The only thing it has to do with him is (1) he has to deal with me getting irritated and pissed off by it and (2) if Dora doesnt get me, she starts on him. Granted thats only happened a couple of times.

Why don’t Dora and DM share a property?

Block dopey Dora, if she is that worried she can pop round your mum's and check. Dora either has dementia or is lonely, neither is your problem. Once the nuisance has been removed I'm sure your DH and mum will calm down. Dora likes the drama and nothing you say will stop her phoning non stop, block her number. If that upsets your mum I'm afraid that's tough, she is probably ignoring Dora as well.

Then you need to block her number. You don’t rely on her in case of emergencies. You can check up on your mum yourself, you don’t need a third party constantly badgering you to check up on her. Most people don’t have a third party constantly monitoring whether they’re picking up the phone or not. It sounds like both she and the friend are mobile, so the friend could check up herself.
The friend isn’t just “worried” about your mum in a normal caring way, this goes far beyond that, she’s become utterly obsessed and is trying (successfully so far) to draw you in.
I feel sorry for your dh and can understand why he lost his rag. I don’t think it’s fair for you to think in terms of him or her “winning”, even jokingly. Your mother and her friend aren’t his problem and he can see how badly this ridiculousness is affecting you, so he’s concerned for your wellbeing.

My mum is untidy but not dirty.

Dora has 4 cats and lets them shit all over the house and always has done (its not an age thing) because its cruel to make them use litter apparently.

AS much as I'm pissed off with the situation, I'd never wish that on my mum

I agree - block Dora. As @FictionalCharacter says, most people with an elderly parent don't have someone constantly checking whether they're answering the phone, so you'll be in the same position as most of us. Yes there is a small chance you'll miss an important call, but I couldn't live like this personally.

Honestly, I think you've caused this OP by not doing the obvious thing and blocking Dora months ago.

By refusing to do that you've ended up in a situation where your husband has felt the need to get involved, and now all hell has broken loose. Your first step now should be blocking Dora, and then apologising to your husband.

I'd then go see your Mum by yourself for a while until things have settled down a bit between them.

Even if your mum asks Dora not to call, it won't stop her. She's clearly anxious.

Blocking her is probably the only solution.

Is Dora tech savy at all? Could you set up an email address she could contact you on and then block her number? Might make her think more about contacting you and means you still get word of what's going on should there be a real cause for concern?

Living with someone stressed is painful

Stop answering the phone to Dora- how on earth can your mom control her. Do you think if your mom told her to stop she would? But she won't stop when you tell her?

Or, and this may be radical, put the phone on voicemail!

DH has the right to stop talking to you mum tbh, he does not owe her a thing, I would not bother with this and make the drives myself when I have to go see her. As for Dora, I would simply tell her to not call again and block her. You have smart tech for a reason, you can check in on your mum yourself. I would block her number and if your phone alerts you when a blocked number has tried to call, I will only ring back if it has rung 10 times back to back.

Also, I would leave emergency contact (hospital passport so to speak) in the home so incase emergency services come in etc. or get social services involved and get her a pendant alarm.

How does Dora start on him? surely she doesn't have his number also?

One day Dopy Dora won't ring you and you will wish she had she's been there when your mum did fall and has seen first hand the issue unless you would rather find your mum has been on the floor for 48 hours be nice to her.

I have friends with elderly parents and they just tend to keep their cameras on all of the time .
To be fair, most share the responsibility for parent checking with siblings but Im sure you can work your own schedule out. Then just block Dora. She is adding nothing to your life and is the root of problems between your DH and DM .

My solution would be for Dh to block numbers he doesn’t want to deal with (Dooley Dora) and for you to switch off your phone when you are at work.
Get a stress ball to throw/squishy when you do have to deal with Dora out of work hours.

You can drop in on your mum via Alexa.

You can see if she’s at home via her Ring doorbell.

I don’t understand why you haven’t blocked Dora.

It really is that simple.

I don’t know what other magical solution you’re expecting anyone to come up with?

This is bloody stupid and cruel. OP can call her mum every day twice a day if she wants to as well as dropping in on Alexa and logging into the bloody ring doorbell! The OP's mum has more surveillance on her than most people already, she doesn't need a highly anxious and obsessive lady calling her and her family dozens of times a day to be safe!