Trying to keep the peace - DH and DM, Both are wrong and both are right in equal measures......

[whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem]

ok, this might be long but I don't want to drip feed. DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 10. No kids, I'm an only child, Father deceased. Up until now, both DM and DH got along albeit prickly but enough I could visit for the weekend eith him in tow (live 350 miles away from her)

DM:

• 80
• physically disabled with arthritis but refuses any official home help, carer. Grudgingly has a cleaner in for 2 hours once a fortnight
• Stubborn - will never admit she's wrong even when you prove she is, will never apologise
• House is a mess which contributes to the issues we have - never puts anything away, put everything down near her arse and leaves it these until someone comes along and puts it away for her

DH:

• Loses patience if people won't accept advice or help
• Has borderline OCD which has rubbed off on me as I've gone from being extremely messy to by most peoples standards very tidy and I like it that way. Mums house drives me nuts with everything everywhere.

The Issue: Well the one that brought it to a head is mums friend. Been friends years but she's not the sharpest tack in the box (to say the least) and is rather highly strung. I will say that she does a lot to help mum out and she has dropped everything once or twice when my mum has fallen. However...... she phones my mum 10+ times a day. My mum will have taken her shopping in the car and 10 minutes after they are home, she phones her. I don't have any issue with the number of time she calls her other than my mothers ability to hold a conversation is deteriorating as he main stimulation is the friend. Who. Talks. So. Slow. You. Lose. The. Will. To. Live. The main problem is, if my mum doesnt answer the phone, she rings again and again and again. Convinced herself most of the time my mum has fallen on the floor. Again, this is not an issue - its between them. Where it becomes a problem are the three things that happened in the last week:

1. I was actually down with my mum and had taken her out for lunch. Friend phoned my mums house - no answer. She then phones me (knowing I was there with her) concerned that she could not get hold of my mum and was she ok. I told her she was quite happy scoffing a steak pie in the chair next to me and if there was something wrong, didn't she think I'd know about it.

1. Monday I was home 350 miles away and my mum had apparently spoke to her friend and said she was going to be coming around to pick her up to go shopping. I get a phone call from the friend. Takes her five minutes to explain that 20 minutes ago my mum had said she was leaving to go around to pick her up and she wasn't there yet. Could I log into her ring camera and see if she had left yet. I duly did so and said she was just getting into her car but to remember she was slow on her feet so she might be a while getting herself sorted out. 10 times in the next half hour I got a call from friend worried my mum wasn't there yet. I was trying to work at the same time. It did not go down well when I said I wasn't going to answer next time.

1. Last night, I get a phone call from friend because she had not been able to get my mum for two hours as the phone was engaged. My mum has told her I can use Alexa to drop in on her so friend wants me to drop everything I'm doing and drop in to see if she's ok. I said to friend I knew exactly what had happened. Either my mum had not hung the phone up properly (50% chance) or more likely she had so much crap on the table next to her when she's put something down, its pressed on one of the 5 handsets undoubtedly sitting there not on the chargers and its off the hook so to speak. Mum has the TV so loud that she can't here the sirens. Again, I was working on a call with customers. Another 8 times in 45 minutes I get called back saying she was worried and would I drop in on her. When I did, my mum denied the phone was ever engaged (even though I'd heard her press the button).

It was at this point DH lost it. We have asked my mum NUMEROUS times to ask dopey Dora (as we call her) not to call us. I' ve asked her. I've begged her. All I get is "yeah, ok" knowing full well she won't. I've threatened to block her number but then I unblock it just in case its the 1 in a 1000 chance its a genuine emergency. All I get is "Dora" wouldn't hurt a fly. No she wouldn't but she gets on my tits calling me all the time.

For DH last night was the final straw seeing as I was stressed, had been called off from an important call by the phone constantly going and then my mother denying the phone was ever engaged. He did lose his temper with her. She hung up on him. Now, DH is refusing to speak to my mum ever again. She said some pretty horrible things about him and refuses to talk to him.

I'm in the middle because I understand why he got angry - so do I. And I'm no further forward stopping the bloody calls without blocking her number.

Any ideas? Suggestions on a post card. I've thought of booking a shipping container and locking them both in it until one comes out the winner (my money is on my mother).

This.

Block Dora.

Would your Mum let Dora have access to Alexa etc so that she can check herself? Or they should move next door to one another!

I think you should mute Dora - and if you see a large number of calls coming through just do a quick Ring/Alexa check on your mother yourself.

Let Dora leave voicemails and just check the most recent one every now and then.

Your husband is angry with your mum for her friend's behaviour?

If the friend won't listen to you, what makes you think she'll listen to your mum?

Get one of those premium rate phone numbers and give friend that number. Tell her you no longer have your old number and she can call you on this new one from now on. At least you'll get paid 10p per minute.

Does Dora have any relatives you could contact to make them aware of her behavior? Has she always been this way or gotten worse?

Otherwise yes, block Dora.

Husband is angry with mum because 99% of the time this is cause by my mother not hanging up the phone or putting them on charge so they are dead.

No matter how often we tell her to check the phones or put them on charge (whats the point of of having 5 dead phones on the table) she doesn't change what she does.

If she kept her table tidy, they would not end up with stuff on top of them and causing them to be engaged by accident.

If she would just glance at the phone when she hangs up rather than immediately reaching for the sky box she might realise she has not hung it up.

If she'd pick up one of the dead phones and actually put it on the charger on the other side of her, then she might have a working phone (for those occasions when it rings out because there is none charged)

Instead she does an old person version of the toddler with the fingers in her ears "yeah, yeah thats right, yeah, ok" and does fuck all to change any of it. I actually think she does it because she knows it winds us up (her attitude to the phones not dopy dora)

Its similar to "mum, if you put things a way and didnt leave them lying on the floor you wouldn't have to worry about falling over them as much" falls on deaf ears. Or "If you put stuff away in the kitchen you might be able to wipe the counters properly" falls on deaf ears and I get back - "you've been with mr Clean too long my house is a home not a show house"

Thats why he's angry with her. She does nothing to help herself and expects me to clean up her proverbial shit.

Block Dora
Leave DH at home when you go to visit

Old people do this all the time one day DH will be old

I would tell Dora to call the police for ambulance for a welfare check on the first call of the day if she concerned about your mum and then let her go to answer phone for the rest of the day. You can't be there for every call. And yes, sadly one day it might be the one you wish you answered, but in the meantime it's causing more stress and upset, and your mum is sitting doing her own thing in the middle of you all.

This is so weird
why is he so angry with your mum? that’s such an odd reaction.
would she have said the rude things if he wasn’t so angry at her? He needs to apologise

because 99% of the time this is cause by my mother not hanging up the phone or putting them on charge so they are dead.
no it isn’t. It’s caused by Dora calling you and you not blocking Dora’s number.
This is Dora’s fault and your fault for not dealing with it. Why should she have to speak to Dora every 5 minutes just to keep your DH happy.

Perhaps your mum leaves the phone off to get a break from bloody Dora.

My sympathies are with you and your DH.

Block Dora.

Tell your mum that her inability to accept proper help and to properly manage her affairs is putting her in physical danger and you are not going to turn your life upside down as a result.

Open a bottle of wine and pour yourself a large glass. Give the rest of the bottle to your DH.

Your DH and your DM are not right and wrong equal measures. Your DM is selfish, inconsiderate and rude. She won't do a thing to make her or your life easier, and your poor DH has understandably lost it.

But you love your DM, because even if she's old and stubborn and cranky she's still your mum. But because she is old and stubborn there is not a thing you can do to change her behaviour, even though you know she's unreasonable.

I think you need to acknowledge to your DH that yes she is incredibly annoying and her behaviour was pretty vile, because he's probably feeling at bit hurt that he tried to stand up for you and you're trying to appease your DM instead of agreeing with him.

Then you need to point out to him that you cannot change her behaviour, and you can't walk away because she's your mum and she's old and needs help, so please, please, tolerate her for your sake.

You need to answer to her once then not carry on answering; silence notifications from her once you’ve sorted out the original issue.
With your DH and DM id let it settle a bit then ask him what his plan is with your mum; is he planning on just not seeing her or has got an adult plan? Give it a week or so to calm down though

Well then maybe you should step back a bit.
Change won't happen unless you make it happen.

Block Dora. Let her phone the police if she's really worried.

Thanks all

I'm going to block Dora as I should have done yonks ago and I'll tell mum uve done it.

My mum won't get a lifeline alarm because they are for old people and she's not old. That's her doing not mine. I've offered.to pay for it.

I cannot do anything else

I would text Dora to tell her you are blocking her and why as I suspect she'll have the police round yours in the wee hours as she is 'worried'

@whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem life alarms definitely not a cure all - my grandmother (87 at the time), agreed to have one but then wouldn't wear it and the one time she was wearing it and fell didn't push it as she didn't want to be a person that needed rescued - give me strength!!!

If Dora wasn't around, how would you make sure your mum was ok?

I would put that plan in to action - would she have one of the fall alarms in her house/wear it around her neck? If so I would get that sorted and block Dora's number.

Put the phone on silent (no vibrate) during work hours.

This is not a DH vs DM situation, it's you vs Dora. Or indeed you vs setting healthy boundaries... 😄

If the mother isnt OK it's 999 Dora needs to phone not the OP anyway so blocking Dora won't stop Dora getting help if Dora is capable of helping anyone. She just seems to fuss. I'd block Dora.

Also we sorted the problem of my dad leaving phones off the charger by him having a set of 3 phones in different rooms and 2 of the phone handsets had wires attaching them to the base so he couldn't wander off with those and was more likely to put them back on the base after using them.

But this is absolutely normal (admittedly irritating) behaviour from someone who is elderly and struggling to cope! It's very unkind of him to be angry with her about it.

It sounds like you are absorbing his unpleasantness and starting to think along the same lines yourself...

Best way forward:

Block Dopey Dora

Tell dh to butt out

Try and summon up some patience with your DM - you don't want to look back and regret your behaviour towards her.

You need to accept that you can’t change either of these women, what you can change is how you react to them. I get that, even though annoying, Dora’s presence means you have the luxury of not having to worry about your mother because Dora’s ever present. However, she only calls you because she can get through to you on some level and not your mum.

Your choices are either enact some pretty robust boundaries (blocking) or accept that this is the price that you choose to pay for having Dora be your eyes on the ground. Either way, stop ranting to or in front of your H because it’s not his fault that you won’t make the decision to block Dora. You have power in this situation, not using it,is a choice.

Issue is now resolved. Dora has passed my mother off so badly she's not on the scene anymore.