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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clashing with husband over MIL and our child

42 replies

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:29

My MIL is quite a difficult person to get on with. She's broken lots of relationships in her past because of how she is. She's very narcissistic and has 0 self awareness. She's got a very bad relationship with her eldest son because of his wife and even spent 7 years not speaking to them because she wouldn't respect their wishes when she looked after their children.

I've had my fair share of disagreements with her and been hurt by her many times in the past. My husband is a huge people pleaser (because of his upbringing) and finds it very difficult to confront his mum. I could deal with it before we had my little boy but when it's got to do with him I have 0 tolerance.

Things keep cropping up that's happened whilst he's in her care. Here's a couple over the past 2 weeks- she's doesn't follow our routine when looking after him which means he's absolutely beside himself when he gets home, they picked him up from nursery in a transit van with him on the front seat (in a car seat but I still think this is very dangerous because of the airbag) and the last is my son is going through a biting stage when he gets excited and she told us that she used to bite her child back, hard enough that it made them upset and she would say 'if you bite me I'll bite you 10x harder). She said that's what we should do. I didn't say anything because I wanted my husband to butt in but he didn't. I told him how I felt and that he should of said 'well that's not what we will be doing' and explain to her how we would want the situation to be dealt with.

I am constantly having to confront her and I don't feel I get the support from my husband and we are now starting to argue a lot about it. I really want to keep good relationships with my in laws as I think it's important for my child(ren) in the future.

What do I do 😩

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 14:32

Why do you keep leaving your child in her care if you’re not happy with the way your MIL looks after them?

CandyLeBonBon · 07/12/2023 14:34

Get different childcare

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:35

@BornIn78 because it's small things that crop up and I don't know if I'm being too sensitive- that's how I'm made to feel anyway

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 14:36

Why’s she babysitting when you don’t trust her? Stop that and you’ll cut out a big source of stress.

I don’t think MIL’s bad relationship with her other DIL is the DIL’s fault.

Yobans · 07/12/2023 14:37

Why are you letting your in-laws look after your son? I wouldn’t let her look after him without you or your husband there. She sounds a nightmare.

My parents in-law didn’t look after our children for similar reasons. We had a very different parenting style. Luckily they lived a long way from us so I’m not sure they were even aware as it didn’t come up!

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:37

@AnneLovesGilbert no it's absolutely not her fault- that's not what I meant.

OP posts:

gotomomo · 07/12/2023 14:38

Don't let her babysit, problem solved

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:40

I should also say- she absolutely adores my son but has a very old school way of parenting. I carry on letting her have him because she loves him but just doesn't understand my way of parenting. Like I say I want to keep the relationship with her

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 07/12/2023 14:43

Most grandparents only spend time with their grandchildren when the parents are in the same house. That's what I'd do with this woman. No more babysitting and if she bit my baby I'd be straight to the police - I'd tell her that, too.

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/12/2023 14:45

You knew what she was like but still used her for free childcare.

You sound too controlling and micromanaging.

Pay a nursery, problem solved.

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:46

@SwordToFlamethrower lol

OP posts:

Chipsahoyagain · 07/12/2023 14:48

If she has bad relationships with her own children, then why FGS do you think she would change with someone else's?? Mind boggling that you would force your children into their care just to please people yourself:

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:51

Wow- I can't believe these comments! I don't force him, it's not free childcare. It's all happened whilst my husband has been with him. I'm deleting this post as ive just been attacked when I was just asking for some advice on how to approach things with my husband. Absolute trolls

OP posts:

ButterCupPie · 07/12/2023 14:51

I'm with the MIL. When my kid 'went though a biting stage' it was stopped in its tracks. By being FIRM.

GodspeedJune · 07/12/2023 14:51

I know how you feel when your partner doesn’t speak up, as it’s largely been down to me to put in place boundaries we have both agreed regarding our DC.

That being said, don’t let anything go unsaid while waiting for him to grow a spine. Speak up and don’t worry about how other people will respond. This is your child and you make the decisions regarding their care.

Personally I will never leave my DC in the care of one set of in-laws, ever.

Original poster

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:52

@GodspeedJune thank you for your kind advice

OP posts:

Yaros · 07/12/2023 14:57

Been there. Done that. Boundaries are impossible with people like that. Your SIL did what she did for a reason. I’m 20 years in with family like this. I have given up now. Thankfully my kids are grown up most now and DH can have whatever relationship he wants with them. They simply cannot change.

The only thing I will say is the way you have phrased this is that she is giving you childcare but it sounds like your husband is there.

THISISNOTCOOLLDN · 07/12/2023 15:12

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:46

@SwordToFlamethrower lol

what is LOL about?

You are being told facts?

kweeble · 07/12/2023 15:15

It’s your job to look after and protect your own baby - that’s why people are being critical. You need to be able to speak up to do that and I would not leave a child in her care if don’t trust her completely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2023 15:16

Your husband has been trained by his mother from an early age to put his mother first with his own needs and wants dead last. This is also why he cannot and perhaps will not ever confront his mother. He is that afraid of her and really does believe the sky will fall in if she gets “upset”. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and your child.

You cannot have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as his mother so you cannot expect your child to do so. If anything too she will try and steal his heart and mind over the next few years from under your very nose!. She will certainly seek to undermine the relationship between you and your son. She is not a safe enough person to do childcare and you all need to stay well away from her.

Any boundaries you set re his mother will be ignored or overridden by her.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and narcissistic grandparents, without exception, make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. If you find her too difficult to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your child too. She could go onto harm him in not too dissimilar ways as to how your husband has been harmed by her. If your parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy continue to foster his relationship with them.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family, your husband lucked out completely here. The “normal” rules of family relations go out the window completely when it comes to dysfunctional families. Do read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2023 15:20

You are not too sensitive at all, if anything you have under reacted and waited in vain for your husband to say something to her because you have not come across someone like his mother before now.

Your husband’s people pleasing behaviour affects many facets of his life and is also a problem that requires therapy. His people pleasing behaviour has come about from he wanting to parent please from a young age.

Poppy128xx · 07/12/2023 15:24

My MIL is also pretty intolerable most of the time but it's easy to deal with as we don't have a child yet.

If & when we do, as much as she'd be welcome to visit them, I wouldn't be asking her to look after them all day because of issues like above.

I can't really see how you can moan about someone you dislike about how they look after your child....just don't ask her?

Mylovelygreendress · 07/12/2023 15:30

My ex MIL said she loved my DS yet put him in danger so she was never allowed to look after him again .
The solution is in your own hands …

momonpurpose · 07/12/2023 15:31

Mylovelygreendress · 07/12/2023 15:30

My ex MIL said she loved my DS yet put him in danger so she was never allowed to look after him again .
The solution is in your own hands …

This. Stop the childcare and the problem is solved

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 07/12/2023 15:36

Read and reread everything the wise @AttilaTheMeerkat has said. I agree with every word.

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