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Original poster

Clashing with husband over MIL and our child

42 replies

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:29

My MIL is quite a difficult person to get on with. She's broken lots of relationships in her past because of how she is. She's very narcissistic and has 0 self awareness. She's got a very bad relationship with her eldest son because of his wife and even spent 7 years not speaking to them because she wouldn't respect their wishes when she looked after their children.

I've had my fair share of disagreements with her and been hurt by her many times in the past. My husband is a huge people pleaser (because of his upbringing) and finds it very difficult to confront his mum. I could deal with it before we had my little boy but when it's got to do with him I have 0 tolerance.

Things keep cropping up that's happened whilst he's in her care. Here's a couple over the past 2 weeks- she's doesn't follow our routine when looking after him which means he's absolutely beside himself when he gets home, they picked him up from nursery in a transit van with him on the front seat (in a car seat but I still think this is very dangerous because of the airbag) and the last is my son is going through a biting stage when he gets excited and she told us that she used to bite her child back, hard enough that it made them upset and she would say 'if you bite me I'll bite you 10x harder). She said that's what we should do. I didn't say anything because I wanted my husband to butt in but he didn't. I told him how I felt and that he should of said 'well that's not what we will be doing' and explain to her how we would want the situation to be dealt with.

I am constantly having to confront her and I don't feel I get the support from my husband and we are now starting to argue a lot about it. I really want to keep good relationships with my in laws as I think it's important for my child(ren) in the future.

What do I do 😩

OP posts:
titchy · 07/12/2023 15:38

So your SIL didn't speak to her for 7 years because she didn't treat their child the way they wanted.

You find her awkward and have been hurt by her on many occasions.

Your dh is a people pleaser who won't stand up to her, even to the detriment of his child's wellbeing.

She looks after your child in a way you vehemently disagree with, again to the detriment of the child's wellbeing.

And you're still letting her look after your child because.....?

You need your bumps felt as my grandmother would have said.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 07/12/2023 15:48

Stop using her for childcare.

Only let her see your child when you are there

Pay a nursery

Problem solved.

Also......you have a DH problem.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 07/12/2023 15:50

Great comment from @AttilaTheMeerkat in terms of wider dynamics.

If the car seat they have is compatible with a front passenger seat in their vehicle, it is safe there if and only if the airbag is switched off. If the airbag is not switched off this can kill a child in the event of even a minor crash. also what age is your child and is the seat rear facing (this is legally required below a certain age).

In terms of not following routines, this is sadly something that comes down to not having her be in sole care of your child.

Elliania · 07/12/2023 15:54

Look OP, if this behaviour was being displayed by a childminder or a nanny; would you still keep leaving your child with them? Or would you find someone else to care for them?

Your MIL doesn't get a pass because she's family when she's putting your child in danger & disregarding your parenting decisions. Speak up, set firm boundaries and don't ler her around your child unless you are both there to supervise. And maybe think about why your MIL would rather spend 7 YEARS not speaking to one of her children instead of simply respecting what they asked her to do with THEIR child.

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 15:59

Things keep cropping up that's happened whilst he's in her care

It's all happened whilst my husband has been with him

If your husband is there, the child is not in your MIL’s care, the child is in its fathers care.

The problem is entirely your husband.

StaunchMomma · 07/12/2023 16:04

What you do is make it clear to your DH that his primary role is one of FATHER, not Mother-panderer and that if he is incapable of ensuring your child's safety when in his Mother's care then the child won't be going there anymore.

It is BOTH of your duties to act in the best interests of your child.

As an aside - my incredibly dumb-ass cousin went to court last year and now has a criminal record for biting a baby back. It's archaic thinking and genuinely fucking stupid.

Epidote · 07/12/2023 16:20

Regardless of how your MIL is, the best you can do is get different childcare.

If you got any safeguarding issues, I would have quite as lot if I were you, you know exactly what to do.

If all happens when your husband is there agree with PP it is him the one who has the responsibility not your MIL.

bugaboo218 · 07/12/2023 17:43

Agree with pp - do not let MIL baby sit or care for your child alone.

you have to go with your gut instinct and protect your son .

If any childcare professional eg at nursery or school later on found out that your MIL did ever bite your child back then that would be reported to safeguarding /Children's services.

She sounds awful

gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/12/2023 20:21

Yeah I would've be leaving my child in their care..... must stop if you are unhappy.

LittleGreenDragons · 07/12/2023 20:25

Stop leaving your son in MILs care. If DH is with them both then there's really nothing you can do, it's his son too.

StrawberryWater · 07/12/2023 20:29

Stop using her for child care
Start advocating for your child and protect him
Tell your DH to deal with his mother

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2023 20:30

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 15:59

Things keep cropping up that's happened whilst he's in her care

It's all happened whilst my husband has been with him

If your husband is there, the child is not in your MIL’s care, the child is in its fathers care.

The problem is entirely your husband.

This. Just what I was going to post.

AllAroundMyCat · 07/12/2023 20:54

Stop lk

AllAroundMyCat · 07/12/2023 20:55

Sorry..

Stop leaving your child in her care.

Problem solved.

Snugglemonkey · 07/12/2023 21:18

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2023 15:16

Your husband has been trained by his mother from an early age to put his mother first with his own needs and wants dead last. This is also why he cannot and perhaps will not ever confront his mother. He is that afraid of her and really does believe the sky will fall in if she gets “upset”. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and your child.

You cannot have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as his mother so you cannot expect your child to do so. If anything too she will try and steal his heart and mind over the next few years from under your very nose!. She will certainly seek to undermine the relationship between you and your son. She is not a safe enough person to do childcare and you all need to stay well away from her.

Any boundaries you set re his mother will be ignored or overridden by her.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and narcissistic grandparents, without exception, make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. If you find her too difficult to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your child too. She could go onto harm him in not too dissimilar ways as to how your husband has been harmed by her. If your parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy continue to foster his relationship with them.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family, your husband lucked out completely here. The “normal” rules of family relations go out the window completely when it comes to dysfunctional families. Do read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

I agree with this. You can see how your husband is with her. It will be more painful when it is your child.

gooddayruby · 07/12/2023 22:15

CC199019 · 07/12/2023 14:51

Wow- I can't believe these comments! I don't force him, it's not free childcare. It's all happened whilst my husband has been with him. I'm deleting this post as ive just been attacked when I was just asking for some advice on how to approach things with my husband. Absolute trolls

It was absolutely deserved. You're leaving your child with a woman who has done an incredibly poor job bringing up her own children and who has 'hurt you a lot' just so you don't have to spend the money on childcare. People aren't going to be sympathetic

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/01/2024 12:24

gooddayruby · 07/12/2023 22:15

It was absolutely deserved. You're leaving your child with a woman who has done an incredibly poor job bringing up her own children and who has 'hurt you a lot' just so you don't have to spend the money on childcare. People aren't going to be sympathetic

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Another person who hasn’t read the post properly before being judgmental 🙄

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