Support thread for anyone needing to stay single a while?

[HazelWicker]

Might be a bit niche a thing, but I'm realising I need to be single and on my own and settle with myself for a while before I start trying to find someone. And this feels hard, I feel like online dating is a numbers game and I should get cracking ASAP to get crunching the numbers.

Background wise, split with my ex of 11 years in the spring, so I'm now a single parent to a 3YO. I had a bit of a fling with someone I had history with for a few months, and then I did OLD and the first actual date I went on was good and I did lots more dates with him over a month or so, really liked him, and then out of nowhere he just pulled back. Seemingly an avoidant attachment style from what he said. And it was so out of the blue, literally the same night he said he saw me as a girlfriend not just someone he was dating. So that's stinging pretty badly right now.

What I realise is how hard I find it to sit with my own emotions and just 'be'. Constantly want to distract myself and feel as though OLD or dating of any sort can fill that void. But is it the sensible thing to do? Is it really likely to set me up for a decent relationship? I can't think so...

Is there anyone else in my shoes, who feels like they need to be on their own for a bit, or commiserate about how hard the dating landscape can be if you've got a full on life?

I made the decision last June that I needed to be single, in my early 50s. I actually now prefer it!

I'm staying single for a while. It's already been almost 2 years and the longer I'm single, the more I like it. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years and I just don't want to risk going through that again. Also, I've got such a busy life with working and having young children that I don't really have time to put into a relationship. Yes, I could make time but that would involve sacrificing either time with my children or time to myself on an evening.

I’m 55 and been single nearly 4 years after being on relationships my whole adult life. 25 years with ExH and a few other 2/3 years since age 17.

Im so happily single, got a brilliant social life, a fantastic friendship group and my own space to chill in peace.

Being happily single is addictive. It would take someone VERY special for me to want a partner now and even then I have no interests in cohabitating or blending families.

OLD isn’t for me. Tried it but just didn’t enjoy it.

Yup. I’ll join you.
Became a single mum of 4 in 2018 when I divorced exh after 13 years of marriage (16 years together). Was single for a couple of years. Met ex partner and have just ended our 3.5 year relationship. We were both divorced with kids and had too much else going on to progress the relationship. It was a very amicable split and he was probably the first really decent bloke I’ve ever been out with. He certainly put my faith in the fact there are good men about.
But I now need to take stock, focus on kids and work. And I know I’ve still got a bit of work to do on me before I’m ready to date again.

Yay for some company!

Any advice from those of you as to how the single life became so appealing? My MH isn't the best and my motivation for doing things isn't great. I often think I should try yoga in the evenings for example but then I sit down and don't really do anything 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think at this point I'm too sensitive/overwhelmed in life to be able to deal with rejection. I need to get myself into a better position and I guess it won't sting so badly. That's the sensible thing to do, but that's easier said than done when your standard life to do list has you oversubscribed. There are certain things you just can't cross off, and I wonder if I'll be retired before I ever have the time to do some work on myself!

Any tips especially for the first few days after a recent heartbreak also gratefully received...

@uhtredsonofuhtred1 I definitely sacrificed some stuff to date the most recent guy, and I'm annoyed at myself now it's not worked out but I didn't feel the guilt as such at the time. I think I squared it as the dating being something 'for me' whereas nothing else I do is for me, it's all for others.

Have you found it hard to get in the swing of doing things for you, to enjoy your evenings and not just collapse and do nothing much?

I'm single due to being widowed. My kids were 4 and 6. I was t young though - late 40s. Ti be honest after Two years I was emotionally ready but it hasn't happened. I did meet my husband though a dating agency (not online), but I'm not going to go online. Should I meet someone great, but I'm happy in my own company. Things might change once my youngest leaves home, but doubt it.

Well that's what I do on an evening but that's what I enjoy! Watching whatever I want on telly, pottering about, chatting on the phone. It's rare I go out with friends but that's exactly how I prefer it. My kids are still young and I work full time in a fairly mentally and emotionally draining job. Maybe interacting with people all day just doesn't leave much left on an evening.

Don't feel bad about what happened. It's taught you something and that's a good thing. I did start seeing someone but it didn't last as he thought I'd just drop everything and prioritise him which won't ever happen.

OP - I found building my friendship circle was the biggest positive of being single. I’m not the most naturally outgoing person so I had to step outside my comfort zone a bit and reach out to acquaintances who were going out or meeting up to ask if I could tag alone. And it’s paid off as since the first lockdown. I’ve made a few great friends from girls I was previously on ‘hi how you doing’ terms with.

Personslly I have zero shame with flopping on the sofa in front of the tv most week nights. Though I do meet up sometimes with local friends for food and/or drinks midweek. But I would say I go out properly at least every other weekend. Usually out dancing because that’s my groups thing and how we all met. I’ve also had 4 holidays with 3 different friends in past couple of years as well as several weekends away.

Im honestly now at point where I think I’d find it hard to fit a man into my world 🤣

I’m in the process of writing a single life bucket list.
so far I’ve got:

• go out for a meal on my own
• go to watch something at the theatre on my own
• take on a walking or running challenge
• spend an hour in a coffee shop with a book or just watching the world go by
• go to a bar and out for a drink on my own
• go on a short holiday by myself

its mainly about doing things I enjoy without feeling like I can’t do it if I’m not in a couple.

if anyone has any suggestions of things I can add to it, I’m all ears.

I’m staying single

but actually i don’t feel sad about it or want support now. , however I totally did a year ago when I was mid dating and off and on , I was miserable !
as suprise suprise I ended up with someone like my ex !

I know this is cheesy but I’m quite grateful to stay home , i have people I love

id also not underestimate the mini heartbreaks from dating , they bruise
but pass

I'm in. Not long out of an on off 13 yr relationship. I've always signed up for OLD almost to prove to myself or ex something. But never got very far and got back with ex. Need it to be different this time. Not frightened of doing things on my own. Don't think I want another relationship. Will be nice to have company along the way x

I'm going through my 3rd divorce and I swear I'm never marrying again. I've been the longest single I've ever been and the longer it goes on, the better it is. I don't have to compromise or please anyone, just my DS. I have a few good friends and my dog and cat for company. As a pp said, I can't see myself living with anyone ever again. I'm at an age where I don't care so much about what people think of me and I'm learning what's really important to my happiness.
Priceless.

In my 50's and single for two years in January. My children are teenagers but so much has happened this year I just don't have the energy or inclination for dating anyone. Plus I would have to shave my legs 😂😂 seriously on line dating is fine but..... I always seem to attract weird ones. the ones who have a ton of emotional baggage or need a woman to look after them.....🤔🤔😳🥺 Not for me I'm afraid. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your little one before they grow up x 🙏❤️

I've been hiding away because of how brutal I've been finding things 😞 I didn't feel lonely as such after my ex and I split, maybe because there wasn't much feeling there. But wow I feel so lonely since the guy I was dating for about five weeks has disappeared. I guess I got a glimpse of the nice parts that can come with having what seemed to be a decent guy on the scene.

How are you all finding the Christmas build up? I couldn't get my head in the zone even before being single again, but now I feel like I am just wishing the time away. Would rather be working to have something to concentrate on, but got leave coming up as nursery is closed...

I've got quite a few decent friends, but not many of them live very close. A lot are in happy family units and so don't have the freedom or inclination to catch up how I would now. Maybe that's a sign I should expand my friendship group, I'd love to find some single mums to be honest but no idea how I would!

I feel determined that I won't start a relationship with someone who isn't at least very close to being a solid match. I will have to be really choosy. And I think I am subscribing to the logic that if I focus on myself I'll be more likely to attract the right sort of people as well as the wrong ones. I'm 31 and need to remember that I don't have to rush! I get stuck with thoughts about how impossible it will be to find someone as a single mum, what if someone else wants more children and I don't etc? So many reasons to not be able to find somebody...

How is everyone's week going so far? I don't work Wednesdays and spend them with my toddler. We will go to a music class and then probably to see my mum. And I'd quite like to make a gingerbread house too!

It must have been awful the sudden way that guy just stopped. I think he was clearly afraid of commitment and not a reflection of your wonderful self. I feel for you, I'm going through the same. It's heightened coming up to Christmas.

You need to draw on your life experience to find the right one. Don't "settle" for anyone. Remember your worth.

It's easy to say, because I know how hard it is as I struggle with it myself. But try to be present and " live in the moment." Making a gingerbread house is a great way to do this! Have a wonderful day. Great to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do x

@annaT2122 it really was, I'm trying to stop mentally going over it because it hurts so badly. I think he was a step up from my ex and the guy I had a fling with and I just didn't see his sudden turn sound coming.

You're definitely not alone! Are you looking forward to any parts of Christmas, and managing to get things done?

I have zero motivation. Can't even be bothered to start the day on days like today 🤦🏽‍♀️

It is no consolation for you now, I know. But at least this short time with the new man has shown you what is out there. Kind of given you a taste. There'll be guys out there who are just as good, if not better! Sounds like he bottled it because he was catching feelings and it scared him.

For me Christmas is about seeing my DC fun and amazement and spending time with family. I'll go out with friends next Friday, really looking forward to it. Just hoping I don't drink too much, the way I'm feeling! What about you?

I think we're in similar positions. really think we'll feel better in January

@annaT2122 I am prone to being very negative right now. Scared anyone I meet would hurt me and scared the pool of opportunity is ridiculously small given my circumstances. You do hear about people who meet someone amazing quite soon after a split or when they first start dating and I was really hoping that might be me, given the catastrophic bad luck I've had in life so far...

I'm in the office (London) next Tuesday and there is a work Christmas lunch so that will be good to see a few people, and I'm going to see my brother and his girlfriend in the evening which will also be good. Find that stuff hard though as everyone else seems to be all settled and happy and I end up clock watching for how long until I'm stuck with just my own thoughts again.

I'm a bit worried how miserable everybody is in January...but maybe I won't feel so alone in my misery 😅

Yes I've known someone come out of a 5 year relationship. They might their partner within 10 days, just got married.

Just try to enjoy the time in London. Remember that people might seem settled and happy when actually they may not be.

Haha I think you probably hit the nail on the hand for why I Like January, probably the wrong reasons.

I have a date set up for the weekend but don't think I'm going to go. He's a player that only wants one thing! I don't know whether that would make me feel good about myself or cheap afterwards.

I'm trying to think of my words really carefully, because I don't want to sound patronising or unsympathetic, but it doesn't feel right that people might need support to stay single.

Single isn't a sad place. It isn't a weakness or something to avoid at all costs. Being coupled isn't an achievement or a strength or something to aim for, for the sake of saying you've got there.

I know being in a couple can be lovely - if you're with the right person. With the wrong person, being in a couple is awful, and can be hell.

Some of the happiest people I know are single, and have been for a long time. I appreciate it might not be your choice Op, and this isn't aimed at you personally, but I worry that as a society we lay expectations on people (it's 'normal' to be coupled up; 'normal' to be married by a certain age; 'normal' to have a child by a certain age etc etc), pressures which lead to people making bad decisions just so they can tick the box that they're normal.

It may be that you've spent ages being single and hate it, and fair enough. But either way, would it help to reframe the issue in your head? Being single isn't something you need support for. It isn't an illness or a disadvantage. It's just another way of living life.

perfectcolourfound

agree 💯
bit if someone’s hreatbroken it can take a while to get that to that very correct understanding

and I agree ☝️!

@perfectcolourfound single is sad place for lots of people. Sadness is an emotion. You can't therefore say it isn't that for others just because you may not have found it as such.

My opening post is quite detailed and references mental health issues and the desire to distract myself from emotional pain. I'm not the kind of person who can't bear to be single, I'm someone with shit mental health who doesn't want to boomerang into a relationship to fill a void because I know that rationally that wouldn't be the best thing right now. But sometimes easy choices appeal, especially when you're struggling day to day and responsible for a small person with naff all support. That's not me saying being single is weak and a sign of failure.

It's coming up to my first Christmas as a single parent. It's my third Christmas since my brother died suddenly and prematurely. I've recently suffered another significant loss and been through more than just the trauma of a marriage breakdown this year. I started this thread to try and connect with others who also need to work on themselves even though it doesn't feel like the easy option. Nothing more. I would love to be happy and single. But right now I'm unhappy whether single or coupled, and I think I am best staying single and working on myself. If I like it, I'd be quite happy to stay that way..!

@annaT2122 what's your self esteem like? Mine isn't the best right now and I think I would feel terrible once the thrill of the chase is over if he disappears, unless it's only that side that you are interested in with him anyway?

I get too invested too easily, so it would be a dangerous game for me!

I’m married, and I enjoy doing all those things by myself - these days every couple seems to be in each others pockets far too much.