Support thread for anyone needing to stay single a while?

[HazelWicker]

Might be a bit niche a thing, but I'm realising I need to be single and on my own and settle with myself for a while before I start trying to find someone. And this feels hard, I feel like online dating is a numbers game and I should get cracking ASAP to get crunching the numbers.

Background wise, split with my ex of 11 years in the spring, so I'm now a single parent to a 3YO. I had a bit of a fling with someone I had history with for a few months, and then I did OLD and the first actual date I went on was good and I did lots more dates with him over a month or so, really liked him, and then out of nowhere he just pulled back. Seemingly an avoidant attachment style from what he said. And it was so out of the blue, literally the same night he said he saw me as a girlfriend not just someone he was dating. So that's stinging pretty badly right now.

What I realise is how hard I find it to sit with my own emotions and just 'be'. Constantly want to distract myself and feel as though OLD or dating of any sort can fill that void. But is it the sensible thing to do? Is it really likely to set me up for a decent relationship? I can't think so...

Is there anyone else in my shoes, who feels like they need to be on their own for a bit, or commiserate about how hard the dating landscape can be if you've got a full on life?

I struggle to find many people who’ve been single as long as me (7 years) I often wonder how people get into new relationships so quickly

@HazelWicker My self esteem I would say was low in this area. In work it's high. But with men I think I really need to be careful.

Physically he is very attractive and he is being very flattering. He is very confident for a reason and well endowed. I know it would be exciting but in reality I know he's a player that only wants one thing. If I do it I just don't know how I'd feel afterwards. My self esteem would go one way or the other and I don't want to take the risk.

Self preservation is the most important thing here. If you are in the state you describe, you need to work on yourself. I think I'm in the same boat.

I'm pushing myself to exercise, avoid too much alcohol, sleep well, eat well and socialise. I think getting the basics right will provide a platform to build on. With socialising it used to be something I wanted to do naturally and enjoyed, now I have to push myself.

Once all this hype for Christmas is over things will settle down mentally. It's an emotive time of year.

Hey ☺️

I’m trying to find the strength to leave a relationship that has been emotionally abusive slowly over the last 5 years. I’m 33 and like you, I’m also really hoping to make more friends and am realising just how much value there is in chatting to other women and gaining perspective and just supporting one another!!

Should you need or want someone to talk to, I’d be happy to listen 😊

I hope you are doing ok. Christmas can be a tricky time to navigate when life gives us challenges xx

I have zero interest in OLD, I will just never be interested. I have a 7yo DD & she has to come first. I love making my own decisions, I’m super busy with great friends so even if I did meet someone, it would have to be someone that enhances my life & I’m sure no one will be interested in just seeing me for 8 hrs x 1 per week when my DD is at her Dad’s.

When she leaves home, I might look to meet a companion at the book/walking club…but he’d have keep his own house!

Scared anyone I meet would hurt me

@HazelWicker I’m exactly the same, and I think this is holding me back from finding a boyfriend. I see people getting into new relationships just weeks after a break-up and think ‘How?!’

Hi similar time of being a single parent. Found someone to date online I was happy going with the flow. Then he backtracked. I’m actually a bit hurt about it. Which surprised me but maybe it’s that he was someone not the one. I think maybe I was happier for the first year of being in my own. But enjoy adult time. Maybe hobbies, friends and therapy are the answer!

I actually think it's much easier to go straight into a relationship when you're in relationship mode. I've often gone straight from one thing to another. I met my ex at work drinks the day after the guy before him dumped me over the phone. I used to be out and about a lot, and I think that was the main reason. I barely leave the house now, so I just don't meet people like I used to. I don't think jumping from thing to thing was great for me, though. I didn't really become comfortable with being single until recently.

@annaT2122 did you go on the date? Controversially I really disliked a guy I was with who was well endowed, was uncomfortable, but maybe he didn't know how to use it! The guy I was seeing recently was the least well endowed I've encountered but my goodness he was the best in bed by an absolute mile. Another reason to be gutted, I hadn't been with anyone so in tune or attentive before him.

@justfindingmyway sorry to hear you are in a similar position. I've found nobody my kind of age in my position which has made things feel especially lonely. Have you got any DC? You're right, Christmas definitely is tricker with these kinds of things going on x

@StarDolphins you sound like you've got a great attitude, this is what I want to get to! I know I can be fine on my own, and that I need to work on things including my self esteem, to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

@Crushed23 personally I think I'd see it as a red flag if someone jumped straight into a new relationship with me? I guess it's different if you've been living separate lives but I think there is a tendency to boomerang. Lots of my friends say it's a great distraction to get on the apps!

@Starryskies1 that sounds just like my experience had you been seeing him long? I have an anxious attachment style and I'm realising I am prone to getting the feels quite early on. Another reason I need to be careful! Easier said than done though. How many DC do you have and what ages?

I don’t have any kids, no. I guess I have the other issue of worrying that oooh I’m approaching mid thirties, about to start over and is my clock well and truly ticking!!

But even if we have differing worries in that way, I’m happy to chat and listen 😃we are all brilliant people here opening up and trying to navigate this road that is sometimes a little rocky. But we’ll get there lovely. And we’ll be stronger and wiser when we do xx

@justfindingmyway can absolutely understand that. I'm probably locked into only having the one now (and I have fertility issues!) but I am very grateful that I have her. You can cut it any way and be worried can't you, for me it's what if I meet someone who wants kids, even if I want more I might not be able to have them. And if someone doesn't want kids, I've already got one, so...💁🏽‍♀️

You sound so positive! Are you like this most days, or having a good run? I am a sad grump this weekend 🙃

im 30 with 3 kids and yes the thoughts are mainly there on the night time or in the day when i feel a bit low or were having a bit of a bad week/day. but for the best am better off alone. to off wasted so much time and energy and just not really being satisfied with anyone and trusting anyone to even enter our lives. however it does get hard but it is finding the distractions and staying busy x

@HazelWicker this is a great post to have started - thank you!

I'm 6 months single after a 15 year relationship. I checked out of the relationship a very long time ago. But I was in an emotional relationship with a guy I went to primary school with for the last year, which I had to sadly end last week because his hot/cold treatment has messed with my head for so long. So now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and concentrate on being completely single, which tbh I'm struggling with.

The stupid thing is I have already looked at an OLD site and am chatting to a couple of guys, which I did purely to distract my mind and take my focus off of waiting/hoping that the emotional attachment guy would contact me (even though I told him not to!)

I want to feel happy and content being single, but I have always been in a relationship without much of a break in between, and I guess I just don't know how to function without validation from someone else (this comes from childhood issues I know). I am having therapy btw!

So @HazelWicker this thread is a great one for me and I will be watching it with great interested, and hope to be motivated by other single people!

Life is no fairytale huh? I know people say that, but it really does throw its curveballs and my thirties have been an eye opener so far.

lovely that you have your daughter. The right one is probably out there, but hopefully you’ll be able to enrich your life so much that if and when they arrive, you’ll only let them in if they add to your life.

Oh hell no!! I’m up and down like a yo-yo these days, I’m finding my situation very overwhelming, due to pressures from my partner and societal pressures to boot. But other days I find great strength and clarity. I’m just trying to be accepting of the unknown and remembering I’m not alone, so many of us have challenges :) Mumsnet is a great place to come for a chat and advice and this is a fab thread to open up :)

we’ll get there one step at a time!

It's like anything, you have to work at it and accept there will be times when you will feel lonely, it's not a walk in the park, especially when things go wrong. It's normal to feel as you do, we are hardwired to live in groups, being alone can feel like going against the grain.
The things l like about being on my own is the fact I'm not trying to fix someone else's issues. Not having to put up with bad moods which create a bad atmosphere. No nasty shocks, nobody else letting me down. I feel calmer, less resentful. I have my own lovely home and pets, nobody can ever take that away from me, so l have a sense of security.
Nobody can deny the thrill in the very beginning of meeting someone new, but that can soon dampen down and before long become tired and stale with the grind of everyday life.
Best thing to do is strengthen the relationship you have with yourself, look after yourself the way you would want a romantic partner to do. Approve and validate yourself, and just stay open to the possibility of meeting some one else further on down the line. This alone time is preparation for what's to come.