So tired and sad and fed up

[Eminybob]

Just that.

DH and I argue all the time. The DC argue with each other all the time. I get cross, they get cross. We all get cross. I work full time, I'll pick them up from after school club and they start fighting as soon as they get in the car and it doesn't stop until they go to bed.

Then the arguments with DH start. He won't "allow" us a cleaner but resents me for not having the energy to keep on top of the house. He does most of the cleaning but zero mental load. Anything to do with school, money, appointments, christmas, birthdays is all left to me. All meal planning, shopping and cooking too.
I've barely started christmas the trees not even up yet.

I'm so tired all I want to do is go to bed when the DC do. Or else open a bottle of wine.

There's zero sex, zero affection. We may as well be housemates. I went to a work do on Friday, got drunk and nearly threw myself at a co worker who gave me a tiny bit of attention. Nothing happened but now thinking about what an affair would be like. I don't even fancy the guy really and doubt he fancies me.

Work's hard, I'm completely out of my depth in a job I'm luke warm about, having given up the job I loved for a promotion. But we I need the job as DH has no ambition or drive to increase his shitty salary. We are always skint, the house needs so much work but we have neither the time or money to do anything about it.

Don't really know what replies im expecting. Advice, or maybe some reassurance that things will get better. I'm just so low.

I don’t have advice, but here for a handhold. It’s useless but I’m sending you a virtual hug, hoping someone wiser than me will come along with some advice soon! 🤞🏻

Fighting because they need individual attention from mum and dad. Not getting it, or only getting negative attention. Break the cycle. Divide and conquer. Take 1 child each on a Saturday morning, alternate 1 kid + parent stays home and does a few chores then chills, then Sat afternoon swap over, the other 2 stay home and chores/chill. The outing can be anywhere outdoors in nature, outdoor play park, or just a mooch to feed ducks + hot choc in local cafe. Anything where you can just BE with each other and not add to the stress. Reduce screen time, inc phones!! Do less "productive" stuff. Just hang out and take deep breaths.

"Doesn't allow a cleaner" - but you work FT and his is the lower wage? Whose money is this? What else is he controlling/being an arse about, tell him to fuck off with that shitty attitude and start pulling together as a couple.

House needs work - sell it. Life is too bloody short. Admit circumstances have changed and you don't want to do the work anymore. Get it valued.. you might get a nice surprise! Sell it as a fixer upper. Downsize to somewhere of a cheaper area now the kids are safely into the school you wanted (?).

You must aggressively fight for the life you want. It's death by a thousand cuts otherwise. You don't have to live your life the way others expect. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

It’s hard and I’m sorry for your situation.
The kids might be a reflection of you and your husband.
When things are just too much, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Think of what you can control right in this moment.
You can’t fix your husbands attitude or your job ( for now)… try to focus on one positive thing you can do tomorrow.

So for example, tell the kids (if assuming primary) tomorrow morning that if they behave at pick up you have a surprise for them and leave it at that.
Hopefully it will mystify them and create a bit of excitement.
Then do something really small like take them to Costa for a hot chocolate or something. Just try to create a moment away from arguing.
MOST importantly; get some sleep ! Stiff everything else, leave the wine alone and have a bath and bed !
take some time for yourself.
when you’ve done that, make a list of what you want to change and how it needs to happen.
what you need to talk to your husband about etc.
Final thought, don’t rise to anything. If your DH pisses you off, act like nothing . Remove yourself from conflict .
oh and if you are the one earning the money : get a bloody cleaner if you can afford it !
next : give him tasks ! If it’s his mums bday or whatever, just say “I’ll leave that one to you “ then carry on !
share the load or jsur stop doing it.
Good luck , hope it helped a bit

Eeesh OP you have a lot on your plate. Just go for the cleaner, you don’t have to listen to your DH! Imagine the joy of coming home after a long day’s work (with the squabbling kids) and finding the place clean and tidy. It’s such a mood booster.

my two are right squabblers, it’s awful sometimes. If they start on it eg at breakfast I’ve taken to sending them both back to their bedrooms. They both have big appetites and love breakfast so this is actually quite a punishment. I just get really tough and say why should I start my day listening to you two squabble. Works sometimes anyway.

hang in there! And get the cleaner!

Thanks for the replies.
Divide and conquer is a great idea with the DC. It does work and we do often do it, but probably not to do nice stuff. DH will take one to MILs and I'll take the other to the supermarket. Probably need to work on that. And doing treat stuff after school. It's difficult this time of year but doable.
I'm nervous about a cleaner. I feel like we've let the house go so much now and it's in such dire need of redecoration I'm a bit too embarrassed to have someone in. But I suppose they have seen it all.

My relationship with DH feels broken though. I can't see how any of this will fix it.

Mine squabble - I thought all kids did.

I use the divide technique the PPs suggest. On their own they're a joy.

I must admit the rest of the OPs life is scarily similar to mine, I thought it was all normal for family life with kids...

Maybe you could even try a once-off deep cleaning service, to get the place looking better. Then if you wanted to have a regular cleaner to keep on top of things you could. Basically throw money at the situation.

As for your relationship with your husband, who knows if these changes will make a serious difference, but improving your environment and circumstances may give you the headspace to really see whether your relationship is salvageable or to work on it properly. Right now it's just another thing in a long list of struggles.

supermarket

Delivery - saves me two hours a week.

Another battle with DH. He insists we use Aldi as its cheaper. I want to use Tesco delivery to save time and stress levels.

Just get the cleaner, they’ve seen it all before and don’t care as long as you pay them on time.

Be aware that five minutes after the cleaner has left it’ll look a mess again but you won’t need to clean floors etc which is awesome.

Your partner shouldn’t be dictating to you like this. A cleaner won’t help with the mental load. Sadly you’ll probably need to delegate to your dh as sounds like he has zero initiative.

Get the cleaner, dish out some jobs, take whatever help you can. If you don’t feel better then you probably need to end it.

You need a break/date night/trial cleaner.

My children argue at breakfast, I have to use the cereal boxes as a screen so they don't look at it each other... I suddenly remembered my parents doing this the other day and it was a relief it's not just mine! I guess they're testing social skills on each other!

They are shattered from school this time of year, there's 2 weeks left of term and they take it out on each other.

I'd avoid thinking too much that they're not getting enough of you, that just adds more pressure and guilt, mine were then same were when part time! Go easy on yourself.

@MrsElsa this is such such sound advice.

If it's definately cheaper he might have a point. We don't have a nearby Aldi so it's not really an option.

Why do you and your husband argue all the time? If the relationship is dead and unrecoverable, can you explore the feasibility of separating?

In the meantime...

How old are your children? Are they old enough for a serious round table discussion of how their squabbles are affecting everyone in the family - and brainstorm some possible solutions?

If you are the breadwinner and his cleaning is inadequate, just get a cleaner! Don't get embarrassed about the state of the house. Cleaners have seen it all.

Go to bed when the children go! Look after yourself and practise self-care. Invest some time in friends, hobbies, things that are meaningful to you.

Regarding your job, can you take steps to get on top of it? Courses, mentoring, reading, etc.

Sorry if this all sounds too simplistic. Just a few thoughts that occurred to me.

I don’t even know what to say but no wonder you just want to go to bed and sleep or crack open then wine. You’re far from alone in being in this position which I know doesn’t make it any easier at all, it’s so full on and you’re not getting any fun or respite at all, I honestly don’t have an answer… something’s got to give though, just try and make sure it’s not your health, you must be exhausted. I really, really feel for you. X

Sorry OP it sounds really hard. I agree with the previous posters - get a cleaner, online deliveries from Tesco and take the kids out for fun. Separate fun if possible then something together. DH sounds a dick so doing all these things will benefit you any he still gets to be a dick.

I have genuinely been on the brink of divorce with this Aldi versus Tesco delivery issue. I stood my ground over this one. Its shopping he doesn't get to choose.

get a divorce. You won't believe how great your life will be afterwards.

So let me get this straight. He doesn’t earn enough and isn’t interested in earning more, so you sacrificed a job you love to step up and make up for this shortcoming. You are still just getting by, and he still doesn’t want to progress his own career. In spite of all this he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and household. He also insists on being the decision maker and refuses to “allow” things that would make your lives easier, such as hiring a cleaner or getting groceries delivered. But he also wants you to bear the burden of his decisions and gets sulky if you leave him to be inconvenienced by the choices he’s made for you.

I’m not surprised that the relationship feels dead to you. I agree that you need to start taking charge and making decisions yourself. You also need to consider whether you think things can improve long term or if you would be happier and better off divorcing him. Frankly he sounds useless from what you’ve described and I suspect you’d be happier going it alone.

Is Aldi really that much cheaper than Tescos delivery? Has anyone quantified it? I've always assumed all the supermarkets are much the same. The delivery costs £4, I think, which isn't too bad.

Get the cleaner, find an Aldi that does click and collect. It cost about €5 euro

DH probably isn't as bad as I've made out. He does all the laundry and most of the cleaning. He's good with the DC most of the time.

It's more our relationship. We are just so irritable and snippy with each other all the time. And all the passion is gone.

I can't see us getting divorced. I genuinely have no idea how people manage on one income, we barely get by on 2.

I think your situation is more typical than people want to admit. Your situation is pretty similar to mine. Children and the attendant work and decisions put a massive strain on.

OP are you able to provide an update on your situation 6 months+ down the line? My marriage is in a very similar state and I don't know what to do. We would really struggle financially to separate too, I feel so stuck and unhappy

God I forgot I made this thread.

Sadly nothing has changed except we have taken out a loan so we can start making the changes we need to the house which is a massive weight off.

The DC are just as bad if not worse. We are on holiday at the moment and it has been a constant battle at times, although the last few days I have completely banned devices and they have actually been better.

I'm still really meh about DH. Last night he really pissed me off. And the co worker I mentioned in my first post has been on my mind a lot recently but that's a whole other thread.

Just coasting by I suppose.